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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really lonely and have lost my confidence

24 replies

tedejoamadrid · 18/12/2021 23:41

Before I start I know this is a first world problem and I’m not even sure what my AIBU is

I have a DH and two kids. DH works out the house and kids at school.

I work from home and don’t speak to anyone all day and I’m so lonely. I’ve also lost all confidence in my ability to do my job. I’m crying writing this. It’s disappeared, completely evaporated. I used to be happy and confident in my younger years (I’m mid 30s) and really good at what I did. I don’t know where it’s gone. I doubt myself, I second guess everything and just generally feel like I’ve retreated into myself.

At night my DH will say “when are you going upstairs to watch TV?” So again I’m alone. I was speaking to him tonight about a few things and he just constantly cut me down and kind of made me feel like shit. I brought it up to him and he turned the TV on and said “I’m not listening” I said to him I was feeling very lonely and he just rolled his eyes at me and I left the room.

I do feel lonely. I don’t feel as if I do a thing for myself. My DH is good around the house and with the kids but I don’t feel like I have a social life like he does and I know that’s my fault. He certainly doesn’t stop me but I don’t know what on earth I could do. The lack of confidence pervades everything.

I’m just so sad and lonely and feel utterly useless. It’s been like a horrible rock sitting in my stomach for a long time and I’m just putting it on here 1) to try to put my feelings in order and 2) to see if anyone knows this feeling.

I know this isn’t AIBU. I don’t need anyone to tell me that. I just feel like shit.

OP posts:

MattHancocksSexTape · 18/12/2021 23:43

If you need someone to talk to, then there are always people on here.

What baby steps could you take to change this situation?

whattodo2019 · 18/12/2021 23:47

What hobbies do you or did you used to have?
Can you join a club? Walking, running, gym classes, yoga, painting, etc??

You need to start 2022 think g more about yourself. Put yourself FIRST for once. You will be shocked at how good this makes you feel and i turn you DH and children.

Give us some more insight into you and let's see if we can help you make a plan. xxxx

Cherryana · 18/12/2021 23:49

Yes I do. You are not alone.

I can also give you hope that you can come back from this.

Enough4me · 18/12/2021 23:52

Sounds like your DH is just your coparent & not your loving partner. I see friends, but a lot of my free time is spent happily with my partner & DCs. No wonder you feel lonely if you live with an adult who isn't really your partner and not even being your friend.

Why is he being so cold and distant towards you?

HelenC123 · 18/12/2021 23:59

I too went through this when my children were younger. How old are your children?
My dh didn’t understand which made me feel more alone, but he needs to try and be a little more understanding. Talk to friends, health visitor or doctor.
Try and have a little time each day to do something you enjoy. You are not on your own x

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/12/2021 00:01

Sorry you are feeling so blue OP - it’s a life stage and you can come back from it.

First off, go see your GP, who can assess the state you are in, it does sound like low mood. They can refer you for CBT, and may also suggest some things like green prescriptions or short term medication.

Secondly, make some practical plans - you need to start being out of the house around people. What’s non threatening to start with? - joining a gym, a yoga class, a book group, a pottery class? Sign up for a couple of things a week including something you can just go to regularly like a gym. You husband can be the one at home for a couple evenings a week - just tell him if you need specific nights. can you start the process of getting a job outside the home? It sounds like it really isn’t working for you.

Thirdly, think about small things you can do to feel better. Ranjan chatterjee’s 4 pillar plan is good for this.

Your marriage needs attention, but right now I’d just focus on building yourself up. Do start standing up for yourself with your husband though - when he says when are you going upstairs, just say - I’m not, you go upstairs if you want.

loveablequalities · 19/12/2021 00:03

Get some counselling. You can access loads of people online. You need a neutral person who will give you tools to sort out your emotions and help you work out where you are just now. It's worth the money and the time. It really, really is. YOU are worth it.

In the most gentle way possible, your husband sounds unpleasant. I don't think you need to put up with that.

Snow1n · 19/12/2021 00:03

I completely understand what youre going through,but I think your biggest problem is your dh. He doesnt sound even remotely interested in you at all. I would seriously think about the relationship - did you lose a lot of these things since the start of your relationship with him?

Emerald5hamrock · 19/12/2021 00:04

I'd change jobs, going out for work makes a big difference.
If that isn't possible start a hobby or volunteer if you've the time, your confidence will return.
This pandemic has knocked the stuffing out of me too, I've started an evening walk it helps me.
Think new year new you.

HollowTalk · 19/12/2021 00:07

Your husband sounds absolutely horrible. Ignoring you when you are telling him that you are lonely is really really cruel.

Emerald5hamrock · 19/12/2021 00:12

Hopefully the new you finds a new man too, when the chips are down you see whose standing up for you or stepping on you.

CityCommuter · 19/12/2021 00:12

@tedejoamadrid virtual ((hugs)) to you I understand that working from home can be isolating so it's not for everyone - I've considered it previously but I'm not sure if I have the right attitude for it... do you have work colleagues who you speak to on the phone or Zoom etc or could you arrange that type of thing to deal with work matters instead of emails? It might make you feel more in touch with the outside world or is there an option to work in an office setting maybe 2 days per week?

Also why does your DH want you to go upstairs to watch TV on your own? He sounds cold towards you and very detached... has he always been like that as you could do with some conversation and attention in the evenings...

minipie · 19/12/2021 00:15

I think your loss of confidence may have a lot to do with the way your DH treats you

Original poster

tedejoamadrid · 19/12/2021 00:22

Thanks to those who have replied.

I don’t tend to tell anyone my feelings at all, not even my husband but I do think this has become something that’s really getting me down.

My husband is a very practical man and talk of feelings and emotions isn’t something that he can do very well, if at all. I have wondered at times if there’s something amiss there.

The lack of confidence is the thing that really worries me. It’s taken over everything and I can feel it dragging me into some sort of abyss.

Almost every intention I have to do something is immediately countered with “you’ll be so bad at that and you’ll end up making an arse of it” from my internal monologue. I don’t understand it. It conditioned into me now and I don’t know how I allowed it or how to stop it.

It’s filtered into my feelings about my relationships with others. I frequently feel like I’m a shit person who people don’t like. Honestly as I write this I am aware it sounds like a pity party for one but I’m shocked at how much my personality has changed and how much of a shell I’ve become.

OP posts:

loveablequalities · 19/12/2021 00:27

Genuinely op, go and book a counsellor tomorrow.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?gclid=Cj0KCQiAqvaNBhDLARIsAH1Pq53y4WqcL9qj8GgG71Ql35ndpB0QBZZEsr5Xk2mgtlWbg3iKbEdTVhkaAjw1EALw_wc

You need some help and you deserve to feel better.

WinterSunglasses · 19/12/2021 00:42

Almost every intention I have to do something is immediately countered with “you’ll be so bad at that and you’ll end up making an arse of it” from my internal monologue

You need to replace that internal monologue. Louise Hay's books are good for this and look up her positive affirmations on YouTube and online. You'll feel silly to start but it's about creating a more positive outlook.

Can I ask, how much is the husband contributing to this outlook? He doesn't sound like he's nice to be around. Next time he asks when you're going upstairs, say 'I'm not, why don't you go if you want to be alone?' What friends do you or did you have locally?

SueGeneris · 19/12/2021 00:44

Do you have local friends?

I have wfh for a long time and don’t speak to anyone in my job. It is very lonely and I made a decision a while back that I would meet a friend for coffee once a week or fortnight to counteract that. I also joined a group for a hobby which helps.

I do believe that to know yourself (and have confidence in yourself) you need to spend social time with other people. Also for fun!

Advice above about joining activity groups is good if you don’t already have friends nearby.

Emerald5hamrock · 19/12/2021 00:45

He needs to drop the automatic negative response, talk to him about how he makes you feel.
His reaction to your loneliness was disgusting.

converseandjeans · 19/12/2021 00:52

Can you change jobs? Is there a local pub or cafe where you can work? Honestly wfh must be so isolating.

As others have suggested - try to get out every day for a walk, join a group of some sort, get involved in something local.

The pandemic has been hard in so many different ways.

Socksorter · 19/12/2021 01:09

Am sorry you feel like this, you have every right though, its sounds miserable!!

I am a home worker too and my husband works long hours, its very lonely
No relationship advice, but I hear you

Socksorter · 19/12/2021 01:15

Just to add, and this not be very practical!

I got a dog, it made me go out every day and i met people that i wouldnt have normally spoken to, made friends that had nothing to do with husband, kids or work, it helped a lot . I had more to talk about and it just generally gave me a lift. My husband unbelievably was jealous!! He soon got over it

WakeyWakey123 · 19/12/2021 01:24

Sorry you’re having such a rough time. I suspect what’s really going on here is that you are suffering from unresolved trauma from much earlier in your life - possibly from before you can remember, or maybe even in utero - and that is what is making all this so hard. Because no, it is not normal to be feeling this way. I would suggest you look for a therapist who specialises in inner child work. They will be able to help you heal and move on so that you are not affected in the present.

urbanbuddha · 19/12/2021 04:21

Your husband sounds absolutely horrible. Ignoring you when you are telling him that you are lonely is really really cruel.

I agree.

Try and get out of the house to some kind of activity once a week at least, and take an hour long walk in daylight each day - it'll combat depression. Think about volunteering

CurlyCavill1 · 19/12/2021 04:29

I had a similar conversation with my husband the other day. I said that doing his fair share of the parenting and/or housework is not the same as being a partner and a friend, and that I can only assume that he doesn’t care about me if he knows I’m struggling and doesn’t do anything to help me. (And by “help” I mean even the slightest show of affection, interest, intimacy, sympathy). What’s the point of having a partner/husband if he doesn’t even do that? If he can’t even give me the bare minimum of care and attention? That’s even worse than being alone. It took a while but I got him to understand eventually. I hope you can too.

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