To think that you can stop sibling bullying/fighting?

[GiantWaterBottle]

I have sisters and brothers and we are all very close now as adults and I'd consider them some of my closest friends. We still argue but on the whole are very close.

However! We were awful to each other growing up! I don't know if it was a normal level or beyond that but I remember my one older brother being awful to me and in turn I was so horrible to my younger siblings like I vividly remember being so cruel (I'm very ashamed of this and didn't fully grasp what I was doing at the time) I think we all had negative long term effects on each other. In fact my dad once told me I was to blame for some of my sisters problems because of how I treated them when we were children (which again I am so ashamed of and upset by).

Anyway, long story short, I have two young kids, 4 and 2 and I notice they are starting to be mean to each other, well the elder one to the younger and I want to intervene and stop it always. My DH says you need to just let down of it go.

Can I make them be friends? Be kinder? Will they always sneakily be mean? I remember how cruel siblings can be when alone. Is it just all part and parcel of having a sibling?

I'd also love to hear others experiences of siblings and growing up. Relationships etc.

I have met a few sibling sets who claim they were always friends and never really fought..

I am very similar to you, my brother and I were awful to each other and I feel terrible about it now! As a result I am quite quick to intervene when my kids fight. They are 5 and 7, I imagine this will get harder!

My aunt with her two ended up letting them sort it out themselves as they were unbearable and they grew up very close and civilised human beings.

My two wind each other up non-stop, antagonising, teasing, hitting each other. But they are also fiercely protective of each other and fairly close, they just have personalities far too similar and irritate each other and then enjoy irritating each other. I'm like you and try and stop it, I have to remind myself that just because the one hit doesn't mean the other was the victim, 9 times out of 10 the receiver of the hit has been on the wind up.

I'm hoping they grow up civilised and neither do it with other kids which I find fairly reassuring

I think you can stop it. If I hear any sniping or meanness I pick up on it straight away. I don’t allow them to argue or be sly to each other. It’s hard work, but all three are very kind to each other now even though they have different personalities.

I think there will always be conflict and siblings will fight to establish the boundaries and play with power a bit.

A family that is emotionally literate will also teach kids how to understand and communicate feelings so the fighting doesn't tip into dysfunctionality.

Previous generations were not given to being open about feelings which is why things got fucked up but you're supposed to just not talk about it.

I don't think you can make your kids like each other or not fight but you can do a huge amount in setting an example for them in negotiating relationships, building self esteem so they don't attack a sibling, finding ways to manage their own difficult feelings etc.

I don't think your dad should have said that to you, he was passing the buck for something that happened on his watch.

Following with interest… my brother and I were pretty awful to each other growing up (we get on really well now) and looking back I always felt like my parents just let it go.

DH and I work really hard with our kids (3, 5 & 7) to talk through difficulties instead of using unkind words/aggression and it works reasonably often but it certainly doesn’t always.

That said both my brother and I, and now my kids, did and do love playing together so I feel like there was/is that foundation of friendship which is good.
I would highly recommend Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings and Siblings Without Rivalry which is where I get all my good sibling parenting tips from (obviously I don’t always have the patience to put them to use!)

I don't think you can make them be friends but you can teach them to manage conflict, manage their feelings of dislike, and not act out of malice.

I think in the past adults just didn’t “parent” as much. My mum and dad were oblivious to the sibling fights/spitefulness/ bullying. It affected our sibling relationships for years.

I’ve worked hard with my 3 boys to prevent any arguments turning really nasty.

Growing up, I argued with my brother, but I wouldn't say either of us were cruel. My kids are 2 and 5. Again they argue but they aren't often mean. I let them work out minor disagreements, but step in if they can't resolve it or start pushing etc.

I have a 20 month gap between mine. both boys. they are 8 and 6. they fight constantly like really hurt each other and wind each other up but at the same time they want to be together always. they both have a constant playmate on one another. when one of them isn't there the other is a little lost. They are currently giggling away in the bedroom having a sleepover together and I hope they stay close as they get older.
I have a sister 2.5 years older. We were never close growing up, she was mean to me, called me names and used to slap me. we didn't play together. we're closer now but just very different personalities.

My brother was utterly horrible to me when we were kids & still is. I always tried to intervene between my 2 dc as I know from experience how much it affects me to this day.

There’s a difference between sibling bickering and meanness. The former I often just leave them to sort it out because intervening often makes it worse. Meanness is not tolerated. Although, while the bicker fucking endlessly, they are rarely mean and never cruel. They’re 8 & 6.

My sister and I hated each other growing up. She 4.5yrs older than me and was quite mean to me at times, made fun of me and made it clear she didn’t really like me. It didn’t do much for my self-esteem. Miraculously we ended up incredibly close - not quite sure how. She was much nicer to me once she left home and we became progressively closer as adults.

My sister used to be very bossy, that turned to manipulation and coercion and then bullying in my 20s then came the verbal and finally the physical abuse. Parents did nothing, siblings ignored it too.

In between times she'd be charismatic and giving and I never knew where I stood and never fully addressed the issues as I had no boundaries (emotionally neglected childhood so I'd just take whatever was on offer.

My emotional well-being has suffered hugely and she had been such a negative influence in my life.

I've just gone no contact.

So as a parent myself I teach my children about sticking up for themselves, boundaries etc and knowing when they need to resolve the little squabbles. They know they can come to me and I always intervene if I feel things look like they might escalate.

You can definitely stop sibling bullying. Even if it comes down to never leave them alone together and strict consequences for violent behaviour. It’s not acceptable to me and I can’t believe how many parents think it’s just normal sibling behaviour to batter each other.

I don’t think you can stop all sibling arguing etc but teach good ways to sort it. I find some parents will say no sort it yourself/don’t keep coming and complaining etc but they don’t actually teach them to sort it themselves.