TW - mention of child abuse

[babadoll79]

I was pregnant between Aug 20 - May 21 and all I did during my pregnancy was read child abuse stories. It was as if this became an obsession in order for me to always try my best to be alert and keep my child safe as she grew up. I was reading a thread in active and realised this may be turning into an issue. I think it's natural to be protective of your child/children but in my case I can't stop thinking about what will happen if I leave my child with the wrong person and they abuse her. For example, I'll be sitting down and I'll randomly think 'what happens if I take her to nursery and someone's abusing her and I don't know it?' 'what am I going to do if she stays a family members house and they abuse her' and so on. It's like these thoughts are constantly popping into my head.

For a bit of background, I've never been abused but I've been in a situation I shouldn't have been in as a child with a trusted adult. My mum and some of her siblings were abused by her dad and it was drilled into me that I should never trust anyone and always be cautious of people. My mum always explained that if someone touched me inappropriately, I should tell her straight away and she'll always believe me.
I think having this mindset has affected me more than I've realised as since becoming pregnant it's all I could think about. That I'll never be able to trust anyone with my child because I'm not sure of their intentions and what they could eventually do to my daughter.

I'm now pregnant again and these thoughts are back and stronger than ever. It's as if no amount of child abuse stories is enough for me and I've realised it's as if I'm trying to scare myself. I never want to put my children in situations where I'm being oblivious/naive and this leads up to them being abused because of it. I'm not even sure why I'm posting but I wondered if anyone has any similar experiences/thoughs? I wondered if I have extreme anxiety and maybe this is something to get help over? I think I just wanted to write this down and voice how I'm feeling as I've never shared this with anyone other than DP. Thank you

Sorry I forgot to say this isn't an AIBU as such but I wondered if other parents ever had any similar thoughts/experiences?
I just hope I'm not alone in the constant worrying of something that's in my head

OP I think it may be best for you to speak to your GP/HV/midwife, you can't go on worrying yourself half to death like this. Some level of anxiety/worry is normal but I think this has gone to the extreme and it can't be good for you or your children.

Please talk to your GP as a matter of urgency. Antenatal anxiety and depression is surprisingly common. Ask your midwife to refer you to the perinatal mental health team for additional support.

I hope you get the help you need, this sounds so distressing.

You really need to get some help. You do have extreme anxiety about this which isn’t healthy.

Oh bless you OP. I had the same. It escalated as my son got older to worrying about wild things like school shootings or terror attacks in school...in our small UK village school Completely irrational and I wish I'd sought help sooner. I did eventually get really good support from the perinatal mental health team when I had DC3. It really helped to talk about it and they didn't think I was a loon.

As others have said, please ask for help with this as a matter of some urgency

Thank you for the comments so far, I'll definitely think about talking to my GP as clearly this isn't normal.

Thank you for that comment @SlashBeef
It's so scary how much you can worry about your child even if the worry seems somewhat irrational. I think that's what I'm scared about too! I don't want anyone thinking I'm crazy or someone overlooking the issue and thinking that I enjoy reading child abuse stories or something sinister like that. It's helpful to know someone has gone through something a bit similar

My mother was a victim of CSA. She drilled in to us constantly about safety and telling her if anything happened.

We stayed safe however once I gave birth I had a similar problem to you. I've never read up on stuff but the terror is immense. I even stopped visiting the local shop as he wouldn't stop giving her sweets and encouraging her to hug him. She's not even two yet!! I couldn't find a way to articulate my discomfort so I literally will not go in there dispite it being VERY close.

I thought of this earlier when I saw another thread about a woman uncomfortable with her neighbour. I am extreme, I would have stopped that person ever looking at my child again. I'm aware I am excessive but if it keeps my child safe then that's what needs to be done.

Only the victims (and potentially children of victims) realise how close danger of this sort lies everywhere. People who haven't experienced it just don't get it.

All the best op, hope you can get the support you need

@britneyisfree thank you for your comment.

I relate so much to your third and fourth paragraphs! Yes I read that same thread and this triggered child abuse thoughts to run through my mind! I am the same as you, there's no way that person will be able to look at my child. Sometimes I feel as if I'm waiting for someone to make one inappropriate comment or do anything untoward and I'll blow up. It's almost as if I'm waiting for it because I'm so convinced it'll definitely happen.

Exactly!! There's threats everywhere. Family members, friends, neighbours, people in position of power, the list really goes on. I also feel some people are so oblivious it's as if I'm the person who needs to get a grip and just trust everyone with my child!

As for the man in the local shop, seriously fuck that. I know people will think he's just being friendly but anything dodgy and I'm just not with it. Definitely agree that as long as your child is safe then that's what matters.

I definitely think our mindset is different to others when being a child of a victim of CSA. So sorry to hear this happened to your mum too X

@babadoll79 sorry I didn't see your reply!

I've never spoken to / met anyone in this position so it's honestly a relief to know I'm not alone and that this probably a completely natural reaction even if extreme.

Maybe one day there will be support groups or something, who knows.

All the best again