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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner's gym suggestions...

28 replies

Mumstheword1990 · 18/12/2021 17:17

I started seeing DP in February. He's ex military and in good shape. He follows a weights routine 4 x per week but is otherwise fairly sedentary.

I'm 5'2, a size 8 and have always lead an active lifestyle. I don't drive and live out of town so walk and cycle everywhere (it's a 15 mile round cycle to and from the office for work). I also attend gym classes or do YouTube workouts from home when time allows or motivation strikes. (Usually at least twice a week but admittedly I've only done one this week!)

This morning I was snuggled up on the sofa in my pjs and DP asked if I was feeling like a run today. I said I didn't feel like one but would probably force myself into it anyway. He then asked if I would like to do weights, like him. I said I'd be interested in having a walk round the gym with a PT to feel more comfortable on the machines and he replied well there's no point unless your going to get into a routine of doing it 3x per week. He then proceeded to advise me to keep doing my gym classes at the start and at the end of the week if I wanted to look "nice and toned..."

None of this was prompted by me, it was quite out of the blue and I'm a bit upset to be honest. I'm fairly clued up on health and fitness and it's already very much integrated into my life?

I've been upset since and he doesn't understand why...AIBU? (Can anybody help me reasonably explain to him why I'm upset?!)

OP posts:
askingforafriend80 · 18/12/2021 17:26

Hmm to be honest he just sounds like a dick Confused

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 18/12/2021 17:34

Youre upset because he implied that youre not nice and toned. He implied that the way you look isnt good enough. Youre upset because he thinks he knows your body and your needs better than you do. Youre upset because he completely dismissed everything you already do. Youre upset because he thinks whats right for him is right for you. Youre upset because he brought all of this up like your body is his business.

Is that why youre upset?

Original poster
Mumstheword1990 · 18/12/2021 17:37

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Youre upset because he implied that youre not nice and toned. He implied that the way you look isnt good enough. Youre upset because he thinks he knows your body and your needs better than you do. Youre upset because he completely dismissed everything you already do. Youre upset because he thinks whats right for him is right for you. Youre upset because he brought all of this up like your body is his business.

Is that why youre upset?

This is helpful.

All of this I think, plus the fact that I am actually fairly happy with my body, and my fitness level!

I'm generally really happy to listen to other people's suggestions on what might improve my life, and there are many places that could use improvement! Being "more nice and toned" is not one of them! Especially when I'm enjoying a Saturday morning in my flipping PJs!

OP posts:
Dozer · 18/12/2021 17:38

The first bit of what he said was just him being boring/mansplaining - annoying.

Seems like the second was a criticism of your body, or perhaps a threat that you’d better stay slim/toned. Not nice.

oviraptor21 · 18/12/2021 17:41

Wrong time. Wrong place. Wrong person.

VitalsStable · 18/12/2021 17:47

Love those big muscle bound guys telling us how to get toned! I'd rather my heart and lungs be working properly than be walking around like I'm holding a roll of carpet under each arm!!

DSIL is like this, apparently she can bench press me, she'd have to catch me first 😂

Returnoftheowl · 18/12/2021 17:54

Unprompted body criticism is generally unwanted by everyone, no wonder you're upset. It's the implication that you're not "enough" as you are.
How would he feel if you told him out of the blue that he needed to tone up?

Original poster
Mumstheword1990 · 18/12/2021 17:55

@VitalsStable

Love those big muscle bound guys telling us how to get toned! I'd rather my heart and lungs be working properly than be walking around like I'm holding a roll of carpet under each arm!!

DSIL is like this, apparently she can bench press me, she'd have to catch me first 😂

I an also confirm I have, and do, run rings around him! Not that I would ever suggest he ought to get himself on a treadmill while he was chilling out in front of the telly at the weekend!!

It's absolutely the feeling of my body not being good enough and now he's said it he can't take it back! He has apologised and seems a bit bemused about why I'm still upset.

OP posts:
Veeveeoxox · 18/12/2021 18:08

My OH used to do the same thing he used to weight train, he would compare me to fitness models on Instagram who have probably had a bit of help from the surgeons knife as well. Anything I did wasn't good enough I actually separated from him for 6 months because of it. You need to tell him no and you will leave him if he keeps critiquing your body.

2TurtleDovesInARow · 18/12/2021 18:25

I remember dating a guy in my early 20s and being naked in bed with him. I was about a size 6 at the time and he complimented me on my thigh strength (I did a lot of spinning at the time) then suggested I might want to work on my arse next. He never saw it again.

Think he sounds like a knob OP. I'm so impressed with your 30 mile commute!

Chely · 18/12/2021 18:31

He's just being a bit matter of fact and probably didn't mean to offend you. Tell him he's a dumbass and move on.

My husband says dumb shit as he doesn't see things how I do, he can be commenting in a general sense and (depending on my mood) I can take offence or not. We both powerlift, I do not take his advise on how to do it as I usually get injured if I do 🤣.

rainyskylight · 18/12/2021 19:15

I would find this hard to get over. You’re still in the really lovely beginning part of the relationship, he should adore every inch of you.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2021 19:18

Why are you dating such a meathead? Next!

forrestgreen · 18/12/2021 19:50

I'd explain to him how he should improve his fitness and glutes. See if he's offended

chantico · 18/12/2021 20:03

You're upset because you don't like how he's talking to you, and you can't quite square that with your opinion of him from other stuff.

You need to sort this out - not in an 'explain it away' sort of sense, but in a 'working out why this matters' sense and then deciding if it's annoying but OK or if it's more concerning.

If he's a bit Army Barmy and therefore needs to 'own' physical fitness, but is fundamentally harmless (just bangs on annoyingly about a hobbyhorse topic) then that might be OK.

But if you think he's making you insecure about your body, then mag to grid' get rid

Lampzade · 18/12/2021 20:09

New relationship. Suggesting that you keep up with your exercise when you are already slim and fit. Red flag to me

rwalker · 18/12/2021 20:09

He's right unless you get a program and do it 3 times a week your wasting your time that isn't a personal dig it's the basics of working out.
Milling around and doing the odd random eights or machine wastes of time.

For max benefit plan your workouts and rest days . You already workout out so it wasn't as though he was telling you to get your fat arse in the gym . I would of thought it's just a general conversation about your workout routine .

Returnoftheowl · 18/12/2021 20:36

@rwalker

He's right unless you get a program and do it 3 times a week your wasting your time that isn't a personal dig it's the basics of working out. Milling around and doing the odd random eights or machine wastes of time.

For max benefit plan your workouts and rest days . You already workout out so it wasn't as though he was telling you to get your fat arse in the gym . I would of thought it's just a general conversation about your workout routine .

But it was a conversation that he raised and then picked out what he believes to be flaws with OP. It wasn't a general two way conversation about both their fitness routines. She didn't ask his opinion, he waded in unasked.
Original poster
Mumstheword1990 · 18/12/2021 20:37

@rwalker

He's right unless you get a program and do it 3 times a week your wasting your time that isn't a personal dig it's the basics of working out. Milling around and doing the odd random eights or machine wastes of time.

For max benefit plan your workouts and rest days . You already workout out so it wasn't as though he was telling you to get your fat arse in the gym . I would of thought it's just a general conversation about your workout routine .

But I didn't bring it up or ask for a programme?

I'm well aware of that and if I wanted to be doing it, I would be!

OP posts:
mpsw · 18/12/2021 20:40

Which bit of the military was he in?

If he was a PTI he probably can't help it.

Original poster
Mumstheword1990 · 18/12/2021 20:43

I'm not sure if it makes any difference @Returnoftheowl but my mum was a fitness instructor and pt for years. None of that is new information.

He brought the whole convo up. I've recently swapped gyms and I've not got to grips with the layout since joining, which is why when he asked whether I'd like to do what he's doing I suggested a walk round.

My exercise fits really well for me as a key component of my life (I literally walk run or cycle from a to b, an then top up with extra bits where I fancy. )

His opinion was unsolicited, and made me feel like he wished I looked more ' nice and toned', when actually I'm happy enough with my body.

OP posts:
Wagamamasforlunch · 18/12/2021 20:50

Mansplaining unsolicited advice and putting you down about your body are pretty upsetting things to say.

Can anybody help me reasonably explain to him why I'm upset?!

You shouldn't need to explain it to him.

He sounds like a knob. Does he have many good qualities? 9 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things I'd potentially be rethinking things.

CheddarGorgeous · 18/12/2021 20:54

He's right unless you get a program and do it 3 times a week your wasting your time that isn't a personal dig it's the basics of working out.

Nonsense. You get positive health and fitness benefits from even 15 minutes a week of exercise. Unless you want to get really ripped or really strong.

You are active and a healthy weight. You don't have to work out to look like a photoshopped Instagram influencer.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 18/12/2021 20:55

Tell him you have heard of some penile exercises to improve his dick...

belle40 · 18/12/2021 20:57

My exH was military. This sounds horribly familiar, for me it was the relentless, 'need to run faster', 'be more efficient' comments that became relentless and started to kill my respect for him. If you want to know how much an adult should be exercising see the most recent guidelines from the Chief Medical Officer. Tbh, military men are a bit divorced from usual life and constantly try and improve others. It is v irritating.