Well .. this year many of my family travelling to stay with my widowed mother …she’s probably on the spectrum - quite self absorbed .. with favorites and we don’t have a great relationship… things are civil and I do my duty and help her out .. my 2 brothers are travelling from overseas with their families .. one sister doesn t speak to her .. the other lives 2 hours away and tends to be inflexible … I get on with my younger brother . I live 1.5 hours away from my mum
Traditionally - I am the helper / rescuer … but not well treated or included in the fun stuff .. I’m the eldest girl …. Since my dad died - and since covid I’ve become boundaried and while helpful I am actively stepping away from being the fixer/ rescuer and … prioritise myself - this hasn’t gone down well …
My mother is well off and over time has given my brother 1 about 300k .. ( don’t really care about that if that’s what that she wants and is still financially secure after )
There is an expectation that my mother and sister will spend every second x Mas with me ..
I would prefer the family take turns for x Mas and new year and that my sister also sort a nice x Mas for my mother and herself on occasion rather than piggy back on … as she makes no effort to catch up at other times …. I do a fabulous traditional x Mas at huge effort and expense and work full time … last x Mas due to covid restrictions and me working - my family stayed in our pod - I’m a front line worker - - my mother and sister were unable to enjoy being together…
( context….. first year I got married my mother told me I wasn’t to come home for x Mas because brother 1 was - and it wouldn’t work 🥲)
I never went home again for x Mas dinner Until I was summonsed a few years ago after my father died “ to come tidy the house a week before x Mas , then help with cooking and stay 2 nights….
I went up on the day- brought food etc - and in reality was rent a crowd for their x Mas requirements … I felt used - but made it work for them and kids … vowed I would never do it again .. they posted all the photos on Facebook of the lovely x Mas - we had nearly 2 hour trip home to cold house … ( my mothers place messy dirty - I couldn’t bear to stay there and was no way I could fit in cleaning it )
Back to now … I’m glad they are together, I’m glad I am not there for a few days …
However my mother is keeping me out of loop . One brother sent me his travel details and my sil and I connected last week to arrange to meet .only then did I know my brother and sister going too .. my sister has me blocked because I set boundaries and could not take part in a 2 hour call she rescheduled at last minute with family abut a health crisis she had ..few months ago
My mother also lurches from crisis to crisis- was sick 2 weeks ago and said she had no food - so I had to arrange a delivery ..
I talk to my mother a few times a week - visit at least monthly and take her out … she never mentioned about brother 1 coming and when I asked about the dates he’s here for - she said she couldn’t remember … this is what she does when she doesn’t want to commit to something…
I give my sil the option to come visit me with the gang - or that I will travel home …then I find out there is a busy itinerary that precludes them traveling to visit me … booked events etc …
I don’t want to be at the mercy of bad vibes at home - and I haven’t exactly been invited either or kept up to speed with any activities- … one traveling sibling ( brother 1 )is not vaccinated either .. so I booked space for coffee in a local hotel .. on the one day that suits me and sil - at a time between their activities with the intention that all are welcome and no pressure on my mother as host ….and no pressure on anyone who doesn’t want to come .
Well … !! my sil gets nervous and asks me to make sure my mother knows … my mother was very vague and said it probably wouldn’t work - no point in planning - vaguely alluded to an excursion that day - of brother 2 … which doesn’t appear to be true … however she was pleasant… I told her I’d already been in touch with brother 2 - they were keen to meet and it was better to plan and book somewhere .. or nothing would happen … all relaxed in conversation ….
My sil asked me to set up family what’s app to communicate this .. I did it against my instinct - coz got vibes my mother didn’t want this to happen - and just had a bad feeling … however i like my sil and have no issue with the suggestion …
WELL - brother 1 said it didn’t work and that was that .. advised me to take a day off work or get my husband to drive up with kids a different day … mother stayed silent … sil said it would be nice to see everyone .. brother 2 said a long message about liking to see all at same time … no one should feel excluded …( no one stating the obvious that I am excluded … if I’d known all the dates early I could have planned differently but am a front line worker and can’t rearrange time off at short notice -
Also Brother 1 and sister have made no attempt to connect and are happy with their plans and clearly did not consider facilitating a broader family catch up … it makes no sense for me to change dates and arrangements for when brother 2 and sil not there … there is also a history of family members not turning up or no one at home in part when visits are arranged …
I would like to tell my brother 2 and sil that they don’t need permission to meet me and we should go ahead … brother 1 says it’s out of question ( apparently his daughter flies back home … and had covid stuff to do ?)
It’s been suggested I change my plans to go up following day - really early - but it’s my sons birthday and invites / plans already in place …
I’m hopping mad / really hurt / I’ve very nicely pointed out I never intended to exclude anyone but only knew some of plans / travel times / But whoever was free - it would still be nice to meet … brother 1 left what’s app group … sister said it was a lot of nonsense and she wasn’t meeting … I just left group in the end
Brother 1 daughter now on to mine to arrange a meet up … (( mine all under 18 and no one driving - so they can’t really meet without me )
AITA - for not cancelling birthday plans to meet …
Brother 2 hasn’t said he won’t meet - but they will have to tolerate a lot of bs perhaps- all living in house for a few days if we do meet so I can see why they wouldn’t rock boat - …. I don’t want to meet others now - it would be so fake and possibly unpleasant . Although I could be persuaded to do the right thing for nieces / nephews…
I don’t think I want to invite my mother / sister for x Mas ever again either tbh abs certainly not to stay for a few days ..AiTA there too ?
We have an extended family what’s app with cousins - I can see all the posts from my brother 1 and mother - now making arrangements to meet … and everyone welcoming him home … I have a suspicion my mother has allowed a view to develop that I don’t help her when I should … I should say we had an immediate family what’s app … my sister used to set it up and leave it regularly.. I went along with it … eventually had to leave it when I called people out - because there was a suggestion I wasn’t doing enough to help her .. .. when I put boundaries in place finally ( there seemed to be an expectation by some that I would travel 5 at drop of hat to deal with crisis in the middle of covid restrictions/ while working full time / with kids …
Frankly I’m ready to go no contact with some members …