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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend didn't get me a birthday gift ....

46 replies

loullou · 18/12/2021 09:37

It was my friends birthday in November.
She sent me a pic of a tee shirt she liked and I got her this and took her out for a meal.
It's my Birthday on Christmas Eve.

For Christmas we both decided just to get each other pjs ,a bath bomb and chocolates.
We met up yesterday and exchanged gifts but she didn't get me anything for my birthday (not even a card )
She mentioned my Birthday and asked what OH was getting me.
On my way to meet her she asked me to grab her some orajel (£5) said no worries,but she didn't pay for that.
My birthday "meal" turned out to be a costa toastie ...she paid ,but really I paid as I never got the £5 back for the orajel.

I know you don't give to receive but she went out of her way to show me what she wanted for her birthday ...yet I get zilch for mine.

Aibu to think it's a bit cheeky?

OP posts:

woodlandarchitect · 18/12/2021 10:40

stop buying gifts and buy yourself gifts instead

Sometimes gift giving makes no sense!

trappedsincesundaymorn · 18/12/2021 10:40

@AmIAGrinchx

Maybe she's skint so close to Christmas?

She presumably knows when OP's birthday is, so could buy a gift in September, October , or even November. Being "skint so close to Christmas" is such a lame excuse.

VickyEadieofThigh · 18/12/2021 10:43

@witsendeverytime

Just stop exchanging gifts! Next time round if she sends you a pic of something or whatever, just say you have to budget better this year so you're skipping it, or even better (if you are brave enough) say as she didn't get anything for you last year thought she had decided to stop! That would put it back in her.

I'd be doing the 'I understood, when you didn't get me a birthday gift last year, that you wanted to stop exchanging gifts. Which is fine by me' line.

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 10:46

This actually sounds like an assertiveness issue. The friend knows the Op won't challenge her about unpaid favours or missing presents so does what's best for her.

A firm 'no, not until you pay me back for the last thing I asked you to buy you' would sort out a lot of it. Also, no more presents as you missed my last birthday or use the excuse I suggested before.

Biscuitsneeded · 18/12/2021 10:57

Well it isn't Christmas Eve yet! She might be planning to surprise you. This all sounds a bit materialistic and overly scrutinised to be honest. It sounds exhausting and rather joyless.

UnsuitableHat · 18/12/2021 11:00

How about suggesting that you only do presents EITHER for birthday or Xmas?

Halloweencat · 18/12/2021 11:04

Just because your birthday is close to Xmas doesn't mean it should be overlooked. If you can afford birthdays at other times if the year then it's best to think ahead & put the money aside earlier in the year ready for the Xmas birthday. Xmas should be no excuse. She sounds like one cheeky cow tbh. If you don't want to have confrontation about your birthday this year I would most definitely send her your bank details & ask for the money back for the item you picked up for her. Then when she links you to what she wants for her birthday next year just ignore it. She may well go funny about it but if she does then she's no friend. During the rest of the year I would pull her up again if she starts taking advantage of you financially.
If you have to "pay" for her friendship then she's no friend. Unless she contributes to the friendship in other valuable ways, like childcare, being very helpful/a rock to you in times of need?

furbabymama87 · 18/12/2021 11:12

I stopped buying for friends when I had kids, it just got too much buying for friends too. Maybe she doesn't want to exchange gifts anymore. It was wrong for her to get you to buy her a present if she's not got you one but at least from now on you don't have to buy her anything.

kavalkada · 18/12/2021 11:21

I'm really sorry, OP. I know it hurts.
I'm not born in december or january, but I'm one of those invisible people who don't get happy birthday wishes and presents.
It took me a while to make my peace with that.

I used to buy my brother birthday present every year, and it took me years to realize (yes, I'm that dumb) that I never got anything from him. So one year I have decided not to buy anything, and when he asked what I got him I just said "the same thing you got me last year". To his credit, he just shut up and never said a word.

I also had a friend who never paid anything when we were out. It also took me a lot of time to realize that. When it got to my brain, I started having small bills and coins everytime I went out with her. The look on her face the first time I left on the table the exact amount I spent was priceless.

You can't change those kind of people. But you can change the way you react to them.

Wish you all the best and I wish you a happy birthday. A real friend doesn't forget and you seem lovely. Do not loose your sleep over her. I'm sure there are people who appreciate you and want you to feel happy and cherished.

Nsky · 18/12/2021 11:21

Tell her, I would

WinterOfOurDiscoTent · 18/12/2021 11:29

One of my best friends ignored my birthday and DS's this year, mine was a big one too, not even a cheap card. I shouldn't care but it does hurt.
Hope you have a lovely birthday with nicer friends OP.

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 12:11

This is an interesting subject because I have often pondered the difference between givers and takers.

My theory is that givers naturally want to give presents and treats because they derive pleasure from the recipients reaction. It's not totally altruistic but is a demonstration of love and respect towards the other person.

Givers aren't always comfortable receiving gifts so don't necessarily advertise their birthdays which can lead to them relying on their friends remembering the date. Hoping that you are in this person's thoughts when you really aren't. Some friends may be organised/thoughtful enough to do this, some people are hopeless unless prodded.

Takers on the other hand like to be the centre of attention, therefore don't have any shyness about pointing out their upcoming birthday and what they'd like as gifts and what they'd like to do. They expect to be noticed/treated.

Some takers, because they are so self focused, won't take note of others birthdays unless they are notified. Perhaps they see it as the givers problem in not advertising it the way they do. Hence they can easily see the cards in your house but don't have the scruples to acknowledge they've missed your birthday.

In my particular case said friend would book herself in with me for her birthday treats but would forget mine a month later, always very apologetic when she realised but situation never improved.

Where the problem exists is an unequal friendship and the hurt it causes the forgotten person. You can only affect your own behaviour, ie advertise your birthday to the takers, see what happens, or withdraw from gift giving and not give them the opportunity to rattle your cage for whatever the reason is. It is very powerful to take control of the situation and let go of hoping they will 'step up'.

Returnoftheowl · 18/12/2021 12:29

Take this as a sign she doesn't want to do birthday gift exchanges anymore and doubt buy her anything next year. If she asks them point out that she didn't bother getting you anything for your so you assumed she didn't want to exchange gifts anymore.

maddening · 18/12/2021 12:34

Next bday when she says what she want for her bday say " i thought that we were no longer doing bday presents after last year, what time shall we meet at Costa for your bday treat?"

DrManhattan · 18/12/2021 13:00

You need to say something or she will think this is acceptable.

Mary46 · 18/12/2021 13:26

Know what you mean. We a few us in group. Big fuss of december mum. Im January. Its a bit hurtful. I didnt get her anything this time.

billy1966 · 18/12/2021 13:28

@RubyKitty

Just message her and say here are my bank details for the £5 you owe me and here is a link for what I want for my birthday.

This.

Muthalucka · 18/12/2021 13:43

Did you ask her what she wanted for her bday? Why would a grown woman send a picture to her friend of a T-shirt for her bday! It’s so embarrassing. If you asked she’s probs a CF who’s thinking well she asked and she offered to take me Out…(not that I think that’s the right way to think) and you’re probably busy trying to do something nice for a friend. Save your treats for family and people who don’t treat friendship as a one way street.

Scandisaurus · 18/12/2021 13:51

So op, what have you decided to do?

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 18/12/2021 14:48

@AmIAGrinchx she's not. She's just a CF!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/12/2021 15:16

This has happened to me. It’s hurtful and shit - stupidly made the same friend my child’s godmother snd she couldn’t give any less of a shit it’s very upsetting. Like not even a birthday card for him. She’s getting married soon and I want to be happy for her but it’s hard because I’m a bit like “I celebrate all your stuff with pleasure yet you don’t give a crap about mine/my child’s stuff”.

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