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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

most might say this isnt a big deal but

26 replies

EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 00:02

There's this thing, with our guests. We are a long term couple, no kids, with some good friends, a small group, mostly his.

I am an introvert. I don't do groups much. At the same time, I am sociable and at ease. I have a dark and quick sense of humour, and can joke with anyone without offence.

So we have a few friends, and lately i have noticed something, or my intuition has, when they visit. They are good people and i care for them, they have done great things for me, and us, and i truly respect them.

But, they sometimes say things that confuse me. Observations of i am having a glass of whiskey (my DP having some too), like 'oh are you on the whiskey again?' (i dont drink much) or 'why do you do that, do you have issues with such and such?'
It is jovial but they never do it to DP. To him they are straight on the line and ordinary. No remarks about him or questions. Tonight for example we shared one glass of wine with a visitor we love, and in the middle of it all i mentioned a local area that had gone to shit, crime, etc. He respided by cutting me off saying 'oh so you mean they are all foreigners?'

WTF! I am the exact opposite of this and the guy has known me for 15 years! We don't even have a foreign population here ffs. It is like i am ribbed or picked up on for what i say or do so easily, and when i oppose it or ask why i am met with either laugher or what is up with you.

I insist these are good people, but my DP can ony partly see it. They are lovely to him and myself (seriously they have helped me and been good friends to me), but the social dialogue seems odd or off to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LetterBug · 18/12/2021 00:32

That would annoy me. I would be busy when they come, or tired with a headache

Phoenix76 · 18/12/2021 00:39

I don’t think they’re aiming it at you as such, more likely it’s a reflection on themselves. For example, the foreigners comment was a view of their own if that makes sense? Essentially, they’ve turned you into a mirror of their own opinions. I would just say something like “you’re hilarious” or with the drinking whiskey “something like that”, it takes their perceived power away and if you show you’re not fussed they get no “reward”.

Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 00:44

Thank you for replying.

I agree, about it saying more about them, but they really are decent people, I wonder why i have this effect, but then i am not so stupid as to accept it blindly either. It makes me take a look at myself, like you dom but wonder why they dont do it to DP.

OP posts:
SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 18/12/2021 00:46

Sounds like they're just winding you up a bit and don't know your DP as well so they don't do it to him?

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 18/12/2021 00:47

You know like how you might jibe at your sister a bit, but not your brother in law ( for the first few years anyway!)

Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 00:49

@SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree

Sounds like they're just winding you up a bit and don't know your DP as well so they don't do it to him?
good god they know him way more than they do me! Dp when asked thinks it might be because i am more articulate and verbal than him, but i still cant explain why so many odd and personal things come my way.

am tired of it to be honest, i am tempted to just happily say hi and 'oh ive got work to do' in future.

OP posts:
Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 00:49

These are all men, DP's friends, so not so much like i am a sister.

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 18/12/2021 00:54

I’m much less tolerating if this sort of behaviours now that I’m older. If your guests are not behaving with good grace, they need to be pulled up, but nicely. ‘You’re on the whiskey again’ = ‘yes, would you like one?’ “Are you saying it’s all because of the foreigners?” = “that’s a very provocative question, what do you mean?” Being an introvert may mean this is difficult, but a few stock phrases to push the comment back onto them may help to deflect (if they are persistently dickish, start to clear the table and say that it was a lovely evening but it’s time to wrap up). Don’t tolerate being picked on by poor guests.

KickAssAngel · 18/12/2021 01:05

I suspect they all have a fixed idea of what a woman is like, and if you step out of that role then they really notice it and comment. Eg, drinking whiskey, having politician opinions etc.

worriedatthemoment · 18/12/2021 01:40

Im not sure we can comment as not much given away or what or how you speak to them
Some on here will automatically assume its because your a women and they are men but it could be your personality is very different to your partners

Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 01:45

@worriedatthemoment

Im not sure we can comment as not much given away or what or how you speak to them Some on here will automatically assume its because your a women and they are men but it could be your personality is very different to your partners
Ive though about this, am not convinced it is because i am female - they're pretty decent guys. I am presuming it is a dynamic but can't bloody figure out why i attract it. I am open to looking at my own behaviour but still cant figure it out.

I am open, friendly, and am definitely up for a laugh, but the comments are not really funny, they are oddly personal and unpredictable. My confusion is why do this to me in front of DP? I guess you could argue they see me as a sister figure, and trust me enough to do it.

Equally at the same time, it does sometimes feel a bit much.

OP posts:
Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 01:47

Oh in answer to a question, i do not say personal things to them, in this manner, so am not encouraging it i return if that makes sense.

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Downunderduchess · 18/12/2021 03:11

It’s a form of gaslighting. I had to explain to a male friend of mine that if he asks me a question or my opinion on something then my response is how I feel about it. He was often saying have you finished your rant? It got tiresome.

He was initiating a conversation then trying to make me feel like I was OTT in my response.

Yesterday I actually yelled at him to stop talking over me when I hadn’t finished speaking. I told him it was fucking annoying.

He did stop. I have stopped ignoring bad behaviour from adults (depending on the circumstances). If you are being rude/baiting me I will let you know I’m aware of it.

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 03:31

Where there is a group of men and one woman there is usually sexism and misogyny, and this is the way it has come up in your group.

If you enjoy the evenings then give them sharp put downs every time they do it, if you don’t, leave them to it.

How often are they there, do they take up a lot of evenings?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2021 03:33

I wouldn't have time for this tedious bullshit. I would find something else to do rather than be ridiculed in my own home.

Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 03:48

I am more concerned that my DP isn't reacting to it. I think he is a glass half full person and does not wish to accept some stuff.

It certainly isn't abusive or gaslighting, but if i am honest it is tedious and i am not fucking interested. I am tired of seeking answers in myself and my own behaviour for other people's shit.

I am actually done with it at the moment, the weird comment about racism is the last straw. In future i plan to say hi, ask how things are and get on my my work in another room. People don't visit often, maybe one of them once per week.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
eveningbubble · 18/12/2021 04:05

They are not putting weight on anything you say and so use you as a reflection of what they really feel like saying themselves. The dynamic is that they are not that bothered about you, one way or the other, and so you are like a cue card. Not like a sister unfortunately OP. However if your partner holds you in high regard (as all partners should!) they wouldn't feel free to do this.

Unmerited · 18/12/2021 04:15

Is it because they think it ‘winds you up’ and somehow think that’s funny? I agree that it’s annoying and not funny, definitely not ‘clever funny’ anyway which is more my thing. I’d just over agree with them every time. ‘Oh yeah, you know me, I’m practically an alcoholic.’

Unmerited · 18/12/2021 04:18

Just saw your comment about racism, obviously you can’t agree on that one, to be honest you probably can’t win at all, it’s basically a bit thick when people do this so I agree that putting distance is better.

Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 05:23

@eveningbubble

They are not putting weight on anything you say and so use you as a reflection of what they really feel like saying themselves. The dynamic is that they are not that bothered about you, one way or the other, and so you are like a cue card. Not like a sister unfortunately OP. However if your partner holds you in high regard (as all partners should!) they wouldn't feel free to do this.
Interesting, I do think at least some of this is true. DP tends to sing my praises a lot, and considering this I even begin to wonder (as these friends are single men) if they are a bit envious and attempt to stick a spoke in the wheel. I want to add that i do not think being single is negative, far from it, but these particular guys are long term single and have troubled personal lives.

I've thought about how I behave and how this could affect the dynamic. DP is very respectful to me in company and these guys certainly voice how 'awesome' and 'intelligent' i am to him when i am not present. It seems a bit odd to me, more like they are gaslighting him more than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 05:25

Have just thought about it a bit more and can honestly say that our male friends who are in relationships do not do this to me.

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Marchingredsoldiers · 18/12/2021 05:49

Interesting that it's men doing this. I also find your response op a bit contradictory. You are obviously bothered by it and are minimising by insisting that these are nice people.

They can be generally good people who do good deeds for their friends and arseholes who get a kick from putting down women from time to time. Or they are maybe crap at flirting and/or attempted banter.

I can only sympathise. I have this trouble with my mum and fil. I think bridget Jones came up with the "jellyfish stings". You're having a pleasant conversation, then bam an odd put down - usually dressed up as a joke - comes out of nowhere. I am not witty and too scared/slow to tell them off. So they get away with it and I'm left pissed off. The moment has gone and impossible to address later. Dh on the other hand is quick and has no such "manners" to hold him back. Oddly they never say anything insulting to him..

But if I ever ger my act together, i plan on a "what the fuck - was that comment necessary?". When they reply with "it was a joke" (ie my fault for not a having a sense of hunour), "not funny".

Holly60 · 18/12/2021 06:54

@EleonorBronte

I am more concerned that my DP isn't reacting to it. I think he is a glass half full person and does not wish to accept some stuff.

It certainly isn't abusive or gaslighting, but if i am honest it is tedious and i am not fucking interested. I am tired of seeking answers in myself and my own behaviour for other people's shit.

I am actually done with it at the moment, the weird comment about racism is the last straw. In future i plan to say hi, ask how things are and get on my my work in another room. People don't visit often, maybe one of them once per week.

Thanks everyone.

One way to diffuse is to step into it, if you think that might work. So the comment about the whiskey say ‘bloody hell after the week I’ve had, just pass me the bottle’. And the comment about foreigners, laugh and say ‘you got me, all these bloody foreigners in this massively diverse area’ and then eye roll. If you think that will be lost on them, then to be honest they sound pretty joyless….
Egghead68 · 18/12/2021 07:01

I think don’t overthink it. If you don’t enjoy their company (I wouldn’t - they sound like dicks), just make your excuses. Otherwise just meet these sorts of comments with silence and a change of subject. Little point trying to analyse why they might have said what they said - you can never know.

Original poster
EleonorBronte · 18/12/2021 12:40

Thank you.

Had a chat with DP about it, and it seems talking about it has mad em think more clearly, i was previously pushing it under the table. DP agrees that he ought to have said something after the 'foreigners' comment, but like me he was paralysed with wft at the time. We are pretty conflict avoidant, socially, so sometimes you only grasp a stuff too late Blush

The things in common are long term singles, had unpleasant divorces or hurt from women. True that they are good people, but perhaps they feel uncomfortable with us, or want DP to self....
They possibly don't usually spend that much time with couple's, and DP and I are very comfortable with each other, and perhaps his respect towards me needles one or two old wounds in them.

One thing is certain, this last straw broke the camel's back, and in future if these particular two call (usually separately) I am going to ask how's things and then politely get on with something else.They only visit for an hour so no big deal.

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