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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To pull my kid out of school due to bullying?

24 replies

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 17:05

Today my 11 year old came out of school hysterical - three boys in his class calling him gay, special needs, weirdo etc it goes on. This is a new school and head doesn’t seem to deal with bullying at all (affluent area top primary - doesn’t happen here etc) if I say he’s not coming back after Xmas until this is sorted once and for all - what would happen? Would LA get involved? I’ve had problems with one boy since he started there who was physically aggressive with him which I witnessed.

OP posts:
MaryHingey · 17/12/2021 17:12

To be heard you need to follow their bullying policy otherwise you will just keep getting referred back
Put everything in writing
Have you spoken to his F/C teacher?
I'm so sorry for your son, it's shit

MarieChristmas · 17/12/2021 17:15

Shout if you must. You are your child's advocate.
M'y DC was a similar age.
We tried to discuss politely. Then after two months we found suicide notes. I pulled DC out immediately and told the school they had let my DC down with their 'policies'. Thankfully I could offer an alternative solution because I teach in a private school and I don't know what I would have done otherwise.

meloonhead · 17/12/2021 17:17

Do what you have to, he's in year 6, right? Not long to go and if it saves him the anguish. He'll probably learn more at home with books and YouTube than there being bullied

Sorry you two have to experience this

NameChange8283 · 17/12/2021 17:20

Unless you can afford to pay for private tutors and sufficient, learning material, I'd advise you don't pull him out of school

His mental health matters but so does his education, which will lead to a good future

Wolfiefan · 17/12/2021 17:24

What is their bullying policy?
Document everything. Keep copies of all letters and emails.
Poor kid.

Headteacher415 · 17/12/2021 17:24

If this is a first instance, that's a huge over-reaction. There are bullies everywhere in life, and a good school will deal with it and prevent it happening again. A poor school will sweep it under the carpet, or deal with it clumsily which increases the chances of a recurrence. Report this to the school, find out what they are doing, ask for assurances it won't be repeated.

If this is regular/continues, then yes, you need to pull him out of school. No school/friendships are worth that.

Blackkitty · 17/12/2021 17:26

@Lennon80
Sounds bloody shit. As others have said, ask for their anti-bullying policy and hold them to it! Write everything down, keep a record, ect. This is my worst nightmare, my dc isn’t in school yet but it’s such a worry. @MarieChristmas That sounds awful, thank goodness you found them before it was too late. Does less bullying happen at private school and/or are they better at managing it? Hope you get a good result OP!

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 17:30

One of the boys we’ve had problems with before this - physically attacked him and consistent bullying I’ve been in about it but very weak response.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 17/12/2021 17:35

Email every single time so there's a paper trail. In fact I'd email today and list everything that's happened so far (do you have witnessed?) and say you want a meeting after Christmas to discuss how you go forward with this. Copy in the governors as well if you can.

There's no point keeping him home. You're just removing him from the problem which means they won't have anything to deal with.

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 17:36

Would it not be problematic to them if he was absent long term?

OP posts:
ShinyballsAndChocolateTinsel · 17/12/2021 17:42

Do you want it to be problematic?
Genuine question

JoyOrbison · 17/12/2021 17:50

It won't ve sufficient reason to keep him off school - it will be unauthorised and I can guarantee you school will make the absence the issue and deflecr from the bullying.

You need to pester, pester, pester school - everything by email first as written record, if no reply by next day chase by telephone.

The simple problem. Is schools, especially high schools, can't do anything. The kids know schools are powerless, often parents don't care or won't engage. If so, whatever schools do isxrendrretdcmeaningless.

Ideally if this is an established patten of bullying you might want to look at moving schools.

We were in a similar position and had to do thus, I will give dc credit, they wanted to move, went to a school where they knew no one, they stuck it out and getting settled there now.

I still have the pleasure of getti g updates from one of dc old school friends Re the buliy/s... Now moved on to dc friend. They are utter scum, they were breaking my gorgeous, upbeat, friendly dc and it was awful to watch.

Makingnumber2 · 17/12/2021 17:54

Be aware that if you refuse to send him in until matters are resolved the school is likely to mark absences as unauthorised and this puts you at risk of penalty fines etc depending on how low his attendance figure falls.
I hope the school will resolve it ASAP for your son’s sake. Can you request a class change? Request a safe space to be available to your son and a few chosen friends at break and lunchtimes? Request the playground is zoned so one zone is for your son and friends and other zone is for bully and pals? Request they are always sat at opposite sides of classroom and that they are never dismissed at same time? Request bully always stands at front of the queue to re enter classroom so your son can choose to be well away from him in lesson queue etc? There are deffo lots of thing so school can put in place to prevent incidences on top of sanctioning for what has happened, getting bully’s parents in for a meeting, getting bully to sign a behaviour contract agreeing he won’t use homophobic slurs etc.

BlusteryLake · 17/12/2021 17:57

Are these boys likely to go to the same secondary school as your DS? If so, pulling him from primary might only push the problem upstream. Better to make the school address it now.

Pesimistic · 17/12/2021 18:00

Keep everything in writing (email) and copy governors in, the school are more likely to act when governors are aware.

Thethuthinang · 17/12/2021 18:02

I would think that changing schools or homeschooling should be an option, but not the only option. Your son is old enough to have ideas and you should have several conversations with him in addition to meetings with the school. In my experience adults' efforts to stop bullying are usually slow and of limited effectiveness. The things that were most helpful to my son were martial arts training focussed on self defense, role playing difficult situations with his dad, and, in some contexts, making sure he has choices and remembered to exercise them (at the park, I told him to check in with himself occasionally and if he wasn't having a good time, that he could leave).

maddening · 17/12/2021 18:50

@ShinyballsAndChocolateTinsel

"Do you want it to be problematic?
Genuine question"

What do you mean by this question?

maddening · 17/12/2021 18:52

I did move son in year 5 due to exclusion bullying in v small school, it was v quick and son's choice.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 17/12/2021 18:55

Say you’ve taken your son out of school as you have concerns about his mental health and well being due to relentless bullying the school is failing to sort out. Also tell them that you will write to the Local Governing Body (school has to give you the address by law) if they still don’t resolve the issue. Kids today can be such horrible little people.

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 19:12

Thanks everyone lots of really helpful advice here!

OP posts:
MarieChristmas · 17/12/2021 20:49

[quote Blackkitty]@Lennon80
Sounds bloody shit. As others have said, ask for their anti-bullying policy and hold them to it! Write everything down, keep a record, ect. This is my worst nightmare, my dc isn’t in school yet but it’s such a worry. @MarieChristmas That sounds awful, thank goodness you found them before it was too late. Does less bullying happen at private school and/or are they better at managing it? Hope you get a good result OP![/quote]
Definitely not a 'private school is better than state school' thing but more that I am a teacher, know the kids in the school (which is a small school) and my colleagues and I have carefully monitored to make sure it doesn't continue. Which was infinitely better than the absolutely awful response from previous school and teachers.

BookFiend4Life · 17/12/2021 21:11

Do what you need to keep your son safe. I really applaud parents who take their kids seriously in this way and get them the help they need. Good job OP.

BetsyBigNose · 18/12/2021 07:57

We took our kind and sensitive 9 year old DD out of school following repeated instances of physical bullying by a group of boys in her class. I emailed the school with details following each and every incident and met with the Class Teacher 4 times and eventually with the Head, to try and get something done about the children involved.

The Class Teacher was next to hopeless, which I was stunned by, as she had been teaching the same age group at that school for the previous 25 years, so we fully expected a robust approach. Her "advice" was basically "Tell her to ignore them, walk away and tell a Teacher", which, of course, she had already been doing but was still coming home injured and tearful - the final straw was bruising all down her spine where they had beaten her across the back with bags containing their studded football boots. The Teacher refused to even call the boys' parents about the issue, saying "They just aren't engaged with school at all, their parents let them play Fortnite and 18 rated games, it's an issue with lots of children these days I'm afraid..."

We pinned our last hope on the Head, but she felt that she didn't want to 'encroach' on how the Class Teacher was failing to handling the situation.

So we took her out of school. I told them that as they could not keep her safe on school grounds, I would look for an alternative school for her. Happily, it was only a few days before Feb half term, so I did lots of phoning around and took DD to have a look at a couple of schools which had space for her and we chose one where they had a very clear Anti Bullying policy, and a calm, friendly environment. She was able to start there right after half term, so only missed 3 days of schooling. She joined them halfway through Yr 5 and finished Yr6 there happily, having made some lovely friends and never once coming home in tears or injured by another child. It seems such a simple thing to be grateful for, but how awful for our DC who have to go through these episodes of bullying, it's so damaging and scary.

In your shoes, I would continue to communicate the details of all the incidents to the school, ensuring you copy in the Class Teacher, Head and Safe Guarding Lead and ask them for reassurance that they can and will keep your child safe - and exactly how they plan to do this.

In the meantime, I would put out feelers to find out which other schools local to you have space for your DC, so that you have a back up plan if the current school continue to fail your child. You have to advocate for him.

I was bullied. Not as a child, but as a 38 year old woman, in my place of work. It was humiliating, depressing, infantilising and it destroyed my confidence in my work, which led to me making mistakes. The sense of dread I felt as I walked to the office was so bad, I often had to run straight to the bathroom to vomit. This all happened not terribly long after we had changed our DD's school due to her being bullied, but I found it nigh on impossible to admit to my DH that a similar thing was happening to me - I felt pathetic. I let them 'manage me out' without putting up a fight, and the sense of relief was enormous.

Whatever decision you make from here, please involve your DS with making it, help him to take back a little piece of that control the bullies have stolen from him. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas and I hope that bullies the world over get exactly the Christmas they deserve! Xmas Wink

JoyOrbison · 18/12/2021 08:56

Op, I moved my dc at start of high school due to bullying that carried over from. Primary, it was a big step but worth it. PM me if you need to ask anything.

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