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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apologize for the Sake of Holiday Peace?

16 replies

jayayzle · 17/12/2021 15:09

I was away for a short trip and gave mum's DP and friend permission and instructions to borrow a motor scooter for a holiday event. They did not follow any instructions and removed the vehicle prior to the event because it would be easier for them. A medical emergency came about, and the scooter ended up in (safe) storage. This issue is that the vehicle was not there for me when I got home, nor was it available to other people to use for follow up activities. (also given permission). I didn't know where it was, where the keys were, how to get into the storage unit when I found it, and if the battery was dead from being stored in the cold. I was pretty upset, but didn't address the issue until I returned home. I enlisted a friend to help retrieve the vehicle and began to inquire where it was. DP and friend had no idea it was a big deal, but i was pretty mad. I firmly told them the vehicle needed to be home. At this point, they got the hint and showed up at my house with the vehicle after I made a point to tell them to leave me alone. I got pretty hot when they showed up and let loose in a tirade. Now my mum insists that I apologize for the outburst. I don't feel an apology is warranted, as I was in my own home and asked to be left alone (because I was already mad). I am not allowed to go to their home for the holidays or to visit for other occasions, including family gatherings. She said I must be "disciplined" in defense of DP. I am over 50 years old, and I've had enough of my mom's repetitive crazy demands. I'm not even sure what to apologize for, and words like "discipline" continue to widen the existing gap between us.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 17/12/2021 15:11

No apology. Excellent excuse not to have to see those idiots over Christmas.

NorthSouthcatlady · 17/12/2021 15:12

Why would you apologise for their bad behaviour, ignorance and lack of respect? You are setting a precedent then. No way would l be apologising if l was in yours shoes. I would want an apology for myself

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/12/2021 15:15

Not totally clear, who had the medical emergency which entailed the scooter being in safe storage?

Georgeskitchen · 17/12/2021 15:17

I think you've answered your own question.....a big fat NO!!

Original poster
jayayzle · 17/12/2021 15:18

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Not totally clear, who had the medical emergency which entailed the scooter being in safe storage?
DP's friend had a medical emergency and didn't attend the event as he had planned. He was ok a few days later (before I came back home), but didn't get around to returning it. BTW, DP is licensed to drive it and did not have a medical issue. He could have returned it himself.
OP posts:
maddening · 17/12/2021 15:19

I am sorry that you put me in an upsetting position and that I expressed that frustration due to your mistreatment of my property.

Original poster
jayayzle · 17/12/2021 15:23

@maddening

I am sorry that you put me in an upsetting position and that I expressed that frustration due to your mistreatment of my property.
Excellent verbage! I've been trying to come up with something like this. When I get close, I get another message from her that sets me off. (This isn't the only incident.). I care more about the rest of my family, at this point, not so much about her, and definitely not about DP. But my toxic mother, as toxic as she is, is aging out. And I don't want to regret being mad and distant because I am right. But the s*storm that is my mother is difficult to handle. I am the only sibling who has to bear this.
OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/12/2021 15:29

I don’t think you were unreasonable to be cross - presumably you rely on this scooter, and their actions caused you extra hassle and stress. They took advantage of your kindness, and caused your other friend problems too.

I might have been tempted to suggest you apologise for the tone of your words, but not for the meaning - until I saw that your mum is ‘disciplining’ you - and now I am 100% on your side, and don’t think you should apologise at all!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/12/2021 15:48

In that case no I would not be apologising

1FootInTheRave · 17/12/2021 16:03

Like fuck I'd be apologising.

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2021 16:12

Your mother is toxic. You’re the only sibling she takes it out on.

Remind me again why you feel the need to keep going back for a whipping?

Just say - I was annoyed about the scooter, but I won’t apologise for that, Mum.

Then refuse to engage further.

NumberTheory · 17/12/2021 16:13

"I didn't know where it was, where the keys were, how to get into the storage unit when I found it, and if the battery was dead from being stored in the cold. I was pretty upset, but didn't address the issue until I returned home. I enlisted a friend to help retrieve the vehicle and began to inquire where it was. DP and friend had no idea it was a big deal, but i was pretty mad."

So you could have just told DP that the scooter needed returning, but you didn't, you waited until you got home, got worked up about it so he did know it was an issue but also demanded to be left alone (why?) and then had a fit at him for returning it because now, even though the scooter being back was super important you wanted to be left alone?

If this is what happened I think you acted like a toddler. DP was not as considerate as someone getting a favour should have been, but it seems he tried to be on the ball as soon as he realised it was a big deal to you. Letting loose a tirade at someone trying to put things right is pretty pathetic. He probably thought the rant about it not being returned overroad the desire to be left alone.

But I can also see that your mum's response is toxic so I would probably be more inclined not to apologise and let the relationship with her die off. It doesn't sound like it's much benefit.

5foot5 · 17/12/2021 16:19

But the s*storm that is my mother is difficult to handle. I am the only sibling who has to bear this.

Why do you have to bear it? Can't you just ignore the lot of them?

Skeumorph · 17/12/2021 16:19

Give it back both barrels.

'No, you haven't heard from me because I won't be apologising and certainly won't be coming to visit for any celebrations. It's time you were disciplined to realise that you do not get to treat other adults badly and then expect them to come running. Now learn your lesson or you are going to be a very lonely as well as a silly woman.'

I dare you! Do it :)

Theunamedcat · 17/12/2021 16:23

Is dp dear parent or partner?

Flowers500 · 17/12/2021 16:38

I feel like I must be misreading or getting confused…by my reading you let them borrow a scooter and they had a medical incident, you didn’t tell them you needed it ASAP and got really upset at them, so they went to return it and you verbally abused them. And your mum said you need to not abuse people.

In which case…yes don’t verbally abuse others? They were inconsiderate and owed you an apology but if someone verbally abused me that’s a straight away shutdown, nope, not dealing with you. I would univite.

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