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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nursery anxiety

16 replies

rainbowtinsel · 16/12/2021 21:06

For a month or so now I've noticed a frostiness from the staff at DC's pre-school (they started in Sept) previously lots of nice chat, little updates about how well they were doing etc. this seems to have stopped, but I can clearly see has continued for others. We've also been sent some passive-aggressive group emails which were clearly aimed at us and when they do speak to a general frostiness/brusqueness.

I've also noticed on the pictures they send round DC is either not in them or if they are always on their own, tried not to think too much about it. But this past week we've been sent lots of videos of them doing some christmas performances each day (just little songs etc.).

On each one DC is in the same spot at the far end of the room sort of separated from everyone else looking like honestly they've been shoved in the naughty corner. You can see all the teachers are gathered at one end with the younger ones with all then the older ones in a tight knit group, you can see the teachers are smiling and making eye contact and encouraging and cuddling the younger ones but not once does anyone look at DC or give them any encouragement.

I know if he was a problem one they would have 100% said something, we only had a glowing little parents' evening thing around 6 weeks ago. And we always stay at the end of the day and go over to the little park with lots of the others so I can see him interacting and playing nicely, if anything it's a few of the older ones whose behavior is questionable.

It's niggled at me before but seeing these this week has really unsettled me, and I don't know I can sort of see they feel the same as in the videos they look really sad/deflated.

Don't really know what to do and if I'm being paranoid, I kind of think you should feel happiness and pride at seeing your toddler's little Christmas performance not be crying your eyes and feeling very sad for them.

OP posts:
smileanddance · 16/12/2021 21:16

What were the passive aggressive emails that you think were aimed at you about?

Kuachui · 16/12/2021 21:22

its hard to say to be honest as could be you over reacting or it could be them bullying/ neglecting your child.

i once worked in a nursery and there was 1 child who was viciously singled out by our manager all because she hated his mum for some reason. I did report it and anonymously reported to the mum that she should not let her son go to nursery until investigation ended as it was cruel (think declining him food, making him stand in corners all day or making kids laugh at him when he did something wrong) it still makes me cry now thinking about it.

personally i wouldnt be able to trust them and would trust my instinct and move my child.

rainbowtinsel · 16/12/2021 21:22

@smileanddance DC is potty training (they are helping) and it was about bringing spare clothes back which you'd been lent, we'd had afew bits about 10 days but only asI'd been laid low with an awful sickness bug and was behind on my washing, and then DC decided they wanted a play in the wendy house on the way out, we have seen other DC do this loads, I was rearranging mine and his bag, paintings etc. whilst they did this and they came flying of the little ledge and fell whilst my head was in the bag, the email was about not playing the equipment after the session and being vigilant afterward as children need more help as they're tired! We see people doing this every day and never once has it been mentioned and also come on it's clear I was trying to sort out all the gubbins for getting back to the car! Iwish they would just send me a perosnal note or a text!

OP posts:
Zarene · 16/12/2021 21:24

I sort of agree with both PPs.

If you're not certain, remove your child. They're too precious.

But if the PA emails aimed at you were 'please pay your bills on time' or 'try not to be late picking up', the staff might have a point.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 16/12/2021 21:25

@Kuachui

That is horrific/very upsetting. Wow

rainbowtinsel · 16/12/2021 21:32

@Kuachui oh my word that is horrific.

I just kept looking at the videos everyday and thinking oh they're on their own why are they on their own, obviously I know the littlies can sometimes just go off and do their own thing, but they're in the same far spot each time and you would think by the second or third time one the teachers would go over and encourage them or bring them into the fold a little. It just made me feel so sad watching.

OP posts:
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 16/12/2021 21:33

I think you need to trust your gut OP

Abracadabra12345 · 16/12/2021 21:44

@Kuachui

its hard to say to be honest as could be you over reacting or it could be them bullying/ neglecting your child.

i once worked in a nursery and there was 1 child who was viciously singled out by our manager all because she hated his mum for some reason. I did report it and anonymously reported to the mum that she should not let her son go to nursery until investigation ended as it was cruel (think declining him food, making him stand in corners all day or making kids laugh at him when he did something wrong) it still makes me cry now thinking about it.

personally i wouldnt be able to trust them and would trust my instinct and move my child.

After Star and Arthur, it’s horrible to read this
hownowpurplecow · 16/12/2021 21:51

I never felt comfortable with our sons first nursery, he was only there for three months but they always looked inconvenienced by him - he was only 10 months when he started and a lockdown baby so was always going to be clingy and, well, a baby. Whenever they brought him down to the door he’d clearly been crying and he always had a different “keyworker”. Anyway, we moved house and subsequently moved nursery and that’s when I realised I wasn’t just being a PFB mum and that nursery wasn’t right for him because the new place was so different and he really thrived, I knew they cared about him when the other nursery hadn’t. I would always trust my gut, and advise you to do the same. If you’re not comfortable, move him and find somewhere that’s right.

esloquehay · 16/12/2021 21:57

Absolutely trust your gut, OP.
I removed my daughters from a preschool earlier this year, as I had serious concerns about how my youngest daughter was being treated by her key-worker.
I pulled them out after a safeguarding incident and got it investigated (the key worker no longer works there, I am told).
The difference in my children since they started a new preschool in September is amazing.
Again...trust your gut.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 16/12/2021 22:00

@esloquehay

If you don’t mind saying, what was the safeguarding incident?

Kuachui · 16/12/2021 22:18

I agree its really upsetting and its horrible how we have no access to the knowledge of whether our children are actually safe in nursery or schools.

When my turned 2 he was supposed tp join our old local nursery, 2 weeks after putting in my application form it got closed because the 2 owners were pedophiles and had abused a few of the children... i was horrified, how am i supposed to trust someone after that?

esloquehay · 16/12/2021 22:35

@Justheretoaskaquestion91, what the incident was isn't pertinent and not something I want to share in this post.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 16/12/2021 22:39

@esloquehay

Ok - understand! Was just curious as my son has just started preschool and always good to know things to look out for!

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 16/12/2021 22:47

Trust your gut and move them now.

We moved our kid for lesser reasons. My gut was telling me they weren't doing enough with the kids and my child wasnt building bonds with them. We've started a new pre-school now which is MILES better.

Also - you are the customer. Ask why he's on his own "hi, I've noticed Jonny is on his own a lot in the videos, can you let me know why that is? Is he having problems making friends and if so, can we have a chat about how we could help that while he's at nursery?".

"Sorry about the incident the other day with the Wendy house. I was just getting their bags ready and given other kids play in it daily after session is over I didn't think it would be an issue".

YOU are the customer.

But I'd remove him.

rainbowtinsel · 17/12/2021 07:14

Thanks @WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain I texted the manager/owner after the wendy house incident but they never replied.

You are right I've been a bit too passive, and yes we are blinking customers. It's not living up to the hype of being this wonderful nurturing environment. A number of the parents are very intimidating also and sometimes it feels a little toxic from that respect and another parent has mentioned they think that spills over into the classroom. I've stopped doing as many pick ups/drop offs because of this and I realised I'd not responded to the last few rounds robin emails (due to being ill and so busy with work) and wondered whether the teachers thought I wasn't engaging enough, and that is making them subconsciously behave differently to DC - this is still obviously wrong though isn't it!

Just heartbreaking seeing others getting nice cuddles and encouragement whilst yours is on their own.

OP posts:
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