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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how important looks are

23 replies

StartingAgain33 · 16/12/2021 17:23

I'm seeing a guy who is in some ways not good looking and i'm worried that in time this will bother me more and more. I was wondering if anyone had experience of dating someone who was not conventionally attractive who grew on them?

I know this probably sounds really superficial but I have to ask as I don't want to mess him around and ignore something which I could have known from the beginning.

I have a history of going for guys I find very good looking (hard not to when you meet them via dating apps as there is very little else to go on!) but then overlooking important qualities because I'm so physically smitten (I have a high sex drive and somtimes get overly focused on the physical aspect in the first few months - this then fades).

I also have a history of being very, very kind and generous to people I meet and not getting the same back. For example, I had a period of looking after an ex who had cancer, and then when I needed a similar level of support he just didnt have it in him to give it.

So this time I thought I would prioritise kindness, and swipe right on people I may not have before. I've met a guy who has a very similar history to me (is also very caring and looked after someone with cancer) and seems like a very good person in general. Far less awkward than the emotionally avoidant men I've dated over the past five years, has loads of friends, a great job etc. And most importantly, he makes me feel relaxed and comfortable in a way I don't often feel with someone. I feel i can trust him, and like something very lovely is building. On our first date, my first thought was 'no', but then as the date wore on I could see he was a lovely person and felt attracted to him. We also had a really nice first kiss, and our chemistry is good.

We have good sex and I definitely feel attracted to him in those moments, but sometimes I find myself comparing his looks a bit and wondering if I should hold out for something better and then feeling awful about it.

I am hoping these thoughts will ease off as time goes by, because it becomes more about who the person is - can anyone offer me reassurance on this? I really don't want to go far down the line and hurt his feelings so am becoming anxious that I have these thoughts. I guess this is normal at the beginning when I don't know him that well? We've been seeing eachother for a couple of months and things feel like they're deepening into a nice, close relationship so I'm hoping these thoughts will disappear.

OP posts:

nosyupnorth · 16/12/2021 17:29

The thing is, if you hold out for somebody better looking, will you be getting somebody better overall? As you've already discovered, looks aren't everything.

Most people aren't dating the best looking person around, if you're attracted to him and there is chemisty I think you need to think really hard about why you'd want to hold out for the chance of somebody better looking and why that matters to you so much - is it a status symbol thing, do you put high value on looks or do you want somebody good looking because it proves you have the ability to catch somebody like that? And then you need to decide if you want to keep entertaining such opinions. These thoughts won't just disappear on their own, you need to get to the root of them and decide if you want to act on them or start actively rejecting them.

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 16/12/2021 17:39

Thank you, that's really insightful. I do think it's partly status driven - thinking about what people will think etc, or that people will compare him to my ex who was very good looking and think I settled (when actually I didn't, he's likely much better than my ex in some important ways).

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/12/2021 17:46

I think it comes down to whether you are attracted to him or not. He might be a lovely guy, but if he doesn't give you a buzz then it doesn't sound like that will work for you.

However, if he does, and the worrying about his looks is more to do with you worrying about what people will think of you for dating an average looking bloke, then you could choose to address why that bothers you, either by doing some reading and thinking or by seeing a therapist. It might be worth addressing this whether you think he's a keeper or not, as it might limit your options in future. You don't need to feel bad about it, lots of people feel like this.

ginnig · 16/12/2021 17:48

- thinking about what people will think etc

ignore other people, there are far too many different opinions on what's attractive, just look at some of the MNs threads.

furbabymama87 · 16/12/2021 17:49

Personality is more important. But for me I have to fancy them. Whether I think they're good looking or not to other people I don't care, but I have to feel that attraction.

BridStar · 16/12/2021 17:51

If you really liked him, he'd be attractive to you. You would just love his face, regardless of how magazine worthy it was.

It sounds more like sparks aren't flying, not really.

HeartGoesLast · 16/12/2021 17:51

I think a you should dump him; he deserves better.

UsernameInTheTown · 16/12/2021 17:52

Intelligence, capability and most importantly fuckability do it for me.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/12/2021 17:53

I thought the thread was going to be about looks in general and generally speaking they are very important in most areas of life to get by.

But on what you've said, if you feel you're settling then you'll resent yourself / him sooner or later. It's of course good to have self-reflection and introspection of your past and the healthy and not so healthy choices you've made. But chemistry is something that is either there or isn't regardless of what someone looks like.

Just10moreminutesplease · 16/12/2021 17:54

It doesn’t matter if someone is conventionally good looking. It matters whether you feel attracted to him. And you say that you do.

Do you see a good looking partner as a status symbol? Or is it more that you might fancy someone else more?

I think if you have chemistry, find him attractive, and think he is a good guy it’s worth seeing where it goes.

EllieSattler · 16/12/2021 17:55

He's kind, good company, a good kisser and the sex is enjoyable. He's a catch. Looks fade. Either (sorry this sounds harsh) have a word with yourself about your shallowness, or let him go find a nicer girlfriend who appreciates him.

ElevenOG · 16/12/2021 17:55

DP is short and bald, on paper that doesn't sound great to a lot of women and when I describe him I'm aware that people will have an opinion on that. But it's entirely personal preference and what one person finds attractive another will find a turnoff. I adore my DP, his smile completely overrides the fact that I'll never run my hands through his hair and we'll both spend our lives asking people to reach things on high shelves at the supermarket, but all the important things are there. I completely understand your thoughts on this and I think many people feel the same. Only you know what's right for you but personally I think you should give him a chance.

garden4569 · 16/12/2021 18:01

Youre worrying far too much about what other people think. People focus on you, a lot less than you think they do in my opinion x

hugr · 16/12/2021 18:03

So this time I thought I would prioritise kindness, and swipe right on people I may not have before.

Lol! It's not charity!

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 16/12/2021 18:38

@hugr I mean prioritise their kindness, not mine!! I just mean I was trying to be a little less looks driven and swiping right on people that I found slightly less attractive (but not unattractive!) because it would widen the pool, and also I made a decision to focus more on who they were and not get bowled over by looks.

OP posts:

x2boys · 16/12/2021 18:45

In the long term looks are less important ,but I guess when you first meet someone looks and personality are the only thing you can go ,if you are worrying what other people will think of him ,it sounds like that you are just not that into him .

arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2021 18:55

I think it would be awesome to fall in love with a person who isn't good looking. Looks become irrelevant once you're in love.
Anecdotally, all the women I know who are still in happy marriages (not many in my late forties tbh!), have husbands who aren't good looking.

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 16/12/2021 19:01

That's fascinating @arethereanyleftatall - I wonder if that's a coincidence or whether there's something in it. Maybe they chose their husbands for good reasons like their personality and nice qualities and weren't smitten by the wrong qualities? I have definitely let relationships go on for way longer than I should have before because of physical attraction.

OP posts:

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 16/12/2021 19:06

I was wondering if anyone had experience of dating someone who was not conventionally attractive who grew on them?

Grow on you? He's not fungus.

He might be thinking the same about you. Why don't you tell him and see if he still wants to date you.

scottishnames · 16/12/2021 19:08

Is he secure - happy, confident, relaxed, modest, even - in himself? Does he make you feel the same? Is he - above absolutely everything else - is he kind? Is he thoughtful? Is he considerate? Can you imagine him comforting you in labour, or rushing to pick up and soothe your toddler who has fallen over? And clear up the mess when your child has been ill?
Yes, he might have views/interests/hobbies etc that mean nothing to you. But can you live with them? Can you tolerate them? Can he live with/tolerate yours? Does he respect your career and/or your studies? And your values? Your dreams and ambitions? Will he support you - and you him - to further your mutual careers?

Of course, if you don't fancy him at all, that is important. But the sheer lovability of someone is so much more than their superficial appearance

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 16/12/2021 19:12

@scottishnames I would say from what I know, that yes, he is all of those things, and would do all of those things. I feel like he's the most normal (in the best way), kind, secure and together person I've met in a long time. Maybe over a decade or so. I generally feel he is a catch. He is also more emotionally open than other men I've dated, which is something I know I really need as I am quite scarred and wary from all of the knocks I've had and I know I have a lot to give to the right person, but I don't want to give it unless I can trust them with it.

OP posts:

scottishnames · 16/12/2021 19:27

starting again I',m very sorry to hear that you've had such a bad time. I'm no expert - have you had proper help? - but all I would suggest is baby steps. No rush. Tell him that you LIKE him - so much more important than 'love', and see what happens. Share mutual interests/activites. (Music? Film? Theatre? etc) Go gently. If he likes you in a sincere way, he'll be prepared to wait for a while.

He might just possibly be able to help you with your past, but that's so much NOT a new partner's duty. You need experts for that.

He sounds nice, however. (Can you talk to any expert - counsellor etc - to discuss your feelings with them?) Very, very best of luck.

iknowitisfun · 17/12/2021 15:30

Are you a supermodel op? Are you gorgeous? Do men practically drool all over you?

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