My friend's situation

[underthechristmastree]

My friend has been in an out of depression over the last several years. Never sought medical help and won't consider other channels of help like counselling, talking therapies or similar.
Lives at home with her elderly parents. She's mid forties. No children. No job or income. Doesn't claim benefits. Relies on parents for money, holidays, petrol for her car etc.
No inclination towards finding a job. Her parents are still both working well into their 70s, struggling to make ends meet whilst she's at home full time, doing basically nothing. Parents aren't in great health.
I love my friend but feel really frustrated for a few reasons: That she refuses to seek medical help for her mental health, refuses any possibly therapies, medication or similar.
Stays in her room smoking most of the time.
I visit a couple of times per week but find myself wanting to say in the kindest possible way, "get a grip of life" instead of running her poor parents ragged.
Friend always complains to me about having no now (doesn't ask me for any, nor do I give any).. but where I come from if you want money you either work for it or just accept that you're not gonna have it.
AIBU to be frustrated with my friend?

F

YANBU but it doesn't sound as though her parents are helping.

She's able to go on holiday, own a car, smoke, live in her home completely free of charge.

I get that they're probably very worried about her, but she'll never think about helping herself with all that on tap.

That's for your friend (and her parents) to figure out.

What does she intend to do when her parents become to old/unwell to work, and when they die?

That she refuses to seek medical help for her mental health, refuses any possibly therapies, medication or similar.

Do you realize that help/therapy for depression is almost non-existant in practice?

That's not true, there are many medications and types of therapy that significantly help with depression.

You don’t sound like any sort of friend tbh

A friend of my sisters is exactly the same... so much so that I'm wondering if you've just changed a few outing details...? Does she live on the south coast?

The lady I know of is late 30s/early 40s, graduated in the mid-00s with a really good degree in computing or something, worked for a year or 2, then... nothing.
Her life revolves around her childhood bedroom - which is unchanged from her teen years, and she spends all her days obsessing over her favourite pop group, and a kids tv show from the early 90s.

She's completely dependent on her parents for everything. They had her a bit later in life, so are in their late 70s now, and none of them drive. She used to go on long, complicated day trips with her mum, to explore old castles etc, but now her mum has said she's feeling too old for long, complicated days out on public transport (fair enough), and Friend won't go on her own it seems.

My sister and I are just waiting for the inevitable crash and burn. It's coming, which Friend understands, but the fear of watching it get closer and closer is seemingly crippling.

Honestly, OP, there's nothing you can do.

YABU

I agree with PP, you don’t sound like a friend.

Just be there for her.
Without judgement.
Sounds like she could really need it.

@OneRuleForThem

You don’t sound like any sort of friend tbh

Why?

It's quite possible to be frustrated with our friends and still be friends.

@BumCatSmile

That's not true, there are many medications and types of therapy that significantly help with depression.

I agree that there are medications that are readily available, and can really help, but it is definitely not easy or quick to access therapy on the NHS - I waited over a year for a place in group therapy, and I was lucky it was that quick. And that was years ago - it is much harder to get access to mental health care now. It is, and always has been the Cinderella service.

What do you get out of this “friendship”?

Has your friendship always had this dynamic or did something traumatic happen to your friend in the last few years.,

@BumCatSmile

That's not true, there are many medications and types of therapy that significantly help with depression.

Even suicidal people struggle to access it though.

Very very sad.
I don't have any advice. But it must be so upsetting for you to witness.
Her poor parents...

Such a sad way to live. Life has just passed her by. Her poor parents, working away while she does nothing to help herself. Anyone can go through depression and that fine, but burdening your 70 year old parents this way is just not ok.

Her poor parents, working away while she does nothing to help herself. Anyone can go through depression and that fine, but burdening your 70 year old parents this way is just not ok.

It's a big chance that her parents are the enablers.

Is she not even paying national insurance? That's going to really bite her on the bum later.