Our dog died on Monday and it was awful. She was an old dog (large breed and 10 yo) but had no ongoing health issues and was otherwise fine, so it was a shock for us.
DH didn't come to bed Monday night and I cried myself to sleep alone and since Tuesday morning he's spent all day in bed watching movies and hasn't gotten up to at least shower or dress. I've tried to be supportive as I understand he's grieving, and have been cooking him meals, making him sandwiches, basically room service, nipping to the shops, looking after all the other animals, doing all the chores, whilst still doing my full time job (I WFH), and trying to prepare the house for Christmas next week. DH has barely said a word to me or even acknowledged me and I feel like he's forgetting that I'm finding this really hard too. I've tried to be there and asking if he's okay, if there's anything I can do, I'm here if he wants to talk, and not once has he asked me how I'm doing. FYI, I'm not doing good. I burst in to tears during a meeting yesterday and have had more support from my boss than my own husband.
I guess she was technically DH's dog, he is the alpha in their eyes (we had 2, now 1 :( ) DH paid for her (I pay for the cats, rabbits and chickens). But I walked her as DH could never be bothered, always an excuse, I was the one always washing her bed and laundrying her towels, cleaning her sleeping area, I took her to training classes and dog agility and I taught her all her tricks and I was always saying we should take her with us anywhere we were going that was dog friendly, DH would always say no. I WFH so always home with her. I was the one who picked her out at the dog shelter when DH insisted we had to have a dog because he'd always wanted a dog. I was constantly telling DH to walk her or to give her a bath, reminding him to book her in for a groom, vaccines, and to be honest he was pretty rubbish and it always fell to me and I really felt like he had lost interest in her in the last couple of years and it bothered me a lot and I vocalized this to DH on several occasions. She didn't deteriorate much physically, just found climbing and jumping harder, she could still run 10k with me right up until the end and still played fetch like a puppy so it's not like she got boring or much more hard work than she already was.
I don't want to diminish his grief as they had a special bond but she was special to me too and losing her has been devastating. I don't think he should get a monopoly on grieving just because he paid for her insurance and food. I've been taking myself out to the garage or to another room to cry because crying in his earshot makes me feel so much worse because he just doesn't care that I'm also upset. Last night I slept in the spare room because I just couldn't deal with another night of him acting like this hasn't affected me too and me pretending I'm okay with it. Shouldn't the support go in both directions and we get through this together? We all deal with grief in our own way but surely this is not fair?
I don't really know what to do, or what to say to him but I am burnt out emotionally and my energy has just collapsed. I can't maintain this functionality on my own. What can I do? AIBU to feel this way? I just want someone to give me a big hug and tell me it's okay and we did everything we could and that she was lovely and had a lovely life with us that these things happen and for someone else to hold it together while I fall apart for a bit. :(