Might remember a thread I posted about x mas plans and cancelling x mas, basically DF passed away this summer, dm is a narc and emotionally abusive, db is frankly nuts. This is the first c mas without DF, it will be v sad. Db refuses to spend xmas with dm said she’s my ‘f’ing problem’. I’ve got a 2 year old and a 2 week old so hosting x mas isn’t top priority this yr.
Working on going limiting contact and maybe going NC with DM and DB without guilt with the help of counselling (currently massively in the fog). Advice was if DM wants to be part of your life, she fits in to your life and takes you as you are as she should feel privileged to do so. This made me feel quite empowered. We’re Muslim so won’t celebrate x mas by ourselves. Dm isn’t. So we said to dm you can come up but you have to find your own way here (she wanted us to drive ans collect her before, 6 hr round trip), we won’t have decor and this is what we’re eating (I’m not roasting a Turkey for 3 people and one toddler who will just eat the trimmings lol). Just let us know when you’re coming.
So this is the aibu part… would it make you feel unwelcome to be asked when you are planning on coming to someone’s house for x mas? It’s now the week before x mas and she still won’t say and apparently being asked is making her feel v unwelcome and is bullying? That’s bonkers right?
I’d see nothing wrong with saying yes I’ll be up 23rd and drive home on 27th for instance. We want to know as we might get a crown of Turkey or a big chicken but time is running out. She also won’t say what gifts she wants. (She’s like a child with gifts, i got a tirade once at 21 because she didn’t have enough in her stocking, she was well into her 60s at this point too).
We’ve asked her very nicely, asking what her plans
Are so we can get food in… that’s not rude right? I feel like she’s being difficult for the sake of it, she’s pissed I’ve taken some power back and is now acting out. I think she wants me to say no you can’t come anymore so she can act the victim and guilt me even more.
(If she doesn’t come we’d most likely have a brisket slow cooked because it’s easier for us so we wouldn’t be roasting a Turkey/ chicken or anything too laborious if she doesn’t come).
Yabu- asking someone if they are coming and when would make them feel uncomfortable
Yanbu- it’s basic manners to let someone know if you’re visiting them and when