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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its only a name BUT would this piss you off??

54 replies

lucyellensmum · 19/12/2007 11:06

This morning i get five christmas cards through my door, all from ILs. First two were from aunts, addressed to MR and MRS his first and second name. So, what? Doesn't my name count or should i describe myself as Mrs DP first name and second name. No, thats not a typo its DP - we are NOT MARRIED and even then i don't qualify for my own name!! Oh yes, i worked bloody hard for that one, considering its DR!! They all know my marital status. ok so mildly miffed about this, more on the fact that society still thinks that women are defined by their husbands!

But what really pissed me off was this: My DD2 has MY name, we made that perfectly clear to ILs and i cannot believe they dont remember because they questioned me and made it clear they didnt approve. The main reason why i didnt give DD her fathers name is, firstly i find it plain weird that a child would have a name that is not its mothers. Also, i have another child who has my name, not DPs biological child but we have been together since she was 2 (15 years ago!), so i didnt want two children with two different names and more importantly, i didnt want DD1 to feel that because i gave DD2 DPs name that she was in any way different. So, AGAIN i get a card adressed to my DD with DPs sirname and another card to DD1 with my sirname or even surname! im having to type quick cos of angry toddler! Then to rub salt into the wound, on DD2 card, it is addressed "to our precious GC" and on DD1 card, to DD1 name.

Am i being petty to think this is shit? Also, should i say anything???

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 19/12/2007 11:08

Bin them all and pretend they got lost in the post.

I was in the same situation until I changed all our names to dp's surname but that was because i wanted to. We have recieved cards from my family this year to MR and MRs - but that doesnt bother me because I wish we were married we just cant afford it.

TenLordsaLapin · 19/12/2007 11:09

No, I think it's shit too. Are they old? or just making a point?

I wouldn't make too much of it, but make sure you misspell their names next time you send them a card!

MerryAnnSinglemas · 19/12/2007 11:09

um,I';ve lost track of the thread as there are so many abbreviations !! I just think it's plain bad manners to get people's names/titles wrong - if that's any consolation. People who've known my mum for years and years still spell her first name wrong and it's not a tricky one either - grr

captainmummy · 19/12/2007 11:10

It is only a name, but yes it is bldy annoying, but then the correct form of address is mrs Alan M (my personal peeve!My name is not Alan!) - as in letters from banks etc. From family I would expect mr & mrs m** or even our 2 first names. Older people I suppose prefer the correct form of address (like the postman cares!) but as for the Precious grandchild bit, well that is a bit sad. Shows where their affections lie, doesn't it?

allIWannaBeForChristmas · 19/12/2007 11:12

tbh I think people do these things without thinking about it.

and tbh I think the fact you are Dr is irelevant - I think that to put dr on a christmas card would be hugely pretentious actually, sorry.

ScottishMummy · 19/12/2007 11:12

ignore it-either they are trying to wind u up or they are just plain silly

SantasElasticKnickers · 19/12/2007 11:12

yes that is annoying, specially as it is more than one card you received!

AMerryScot · 19/12/2007 11:13

It's tradition.

TenLordsaLapin · 19/12/2007 11:13

It's not traditional for unmarried couples!

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 19/12/2007 11:15

Very off imo, bin them, it would make me very

edam · 19/12/2007 11:16

Very annoying esp. the Dr bit - that's something you've worked hard for. Almost as if they are taking you down a peg or two. Bet if it was their son who was a doctor they wouldn't forget.

And the different cards to the dds are downright nasty. Dd1 is old enough to notice the snub.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 19/12/2007 11:16

on reflection i suppose the aunts dont know my surname, but thats right, my name is not David. So that in itself wouldnt have prompted my thread, its the differentiation between my children that really upsets me, especailly as i have explain my reasons to them. They said, well DD1 knows that DP isnt her dad, they said this when i was pregnant - really tactful eh. Yes, she does know this, so actually that is even more reason for her to feel included in the family and have the same name as her sister. Besides, if it was that important to DP to pass on his name, then he would have married me! As it stands, hes not worried about the name, he knows he is DDs dad and loves both of our children - grrrr.

I really like my MIL but judging by the amount of time she spends slagging off her other DILs then i can just imagine what she says about me!! So that leads me to take it personally. This happened last year and even DP commented on what was in the card - i think its a bit off. Not only that, one card was a special granddaughter card, the other, a nice card, but non descript.

OP posts:
edam · 19/12/2007 11:17

My MIL sends post to Mr Dhfirstname Dhlastname even though she knows I kept my own name, btw. I let it go as she's not a bad old stick, really. But it is irritating.

mumzyof2 · 19/12/2007 11:19

BTW, im in the same position as you regarding dc surnames, a ds, not dp's biological son, with MY name, and a baby on the way, that will have my name, not dp's. He isnt too bothered about it, even though he has two other children with someone else that have his name, and they were never married. The thing with your dc's names would REALLY annoy me, and I think id say something, if not, make a point about it somehow ie, send them a card from your dc's with their surnames on in capital letters or something - childish, i know.
Regarding your name, it would annoy me that it was his name but referring to the both of you, i dont like that, its old fashioned, but still happens. However, I wouldnt get too worked up about that. IMO, yanbu at all, but id mention the children thing, especially as youve been together so long, you would think theyd see your dc1 as their gc anyway, without them having to make an unsubtle point about it! Rude.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 19/12/2007 11:19

Alliwantforxmas, i do actually agree with you re the doctor thing. But funnily enough, the ONLY time anything addressed to me has Dr on it is on xmas cards from my uni friends. Its a bit of a jokey thing, as i don't use the title at all on bank correspondence or anything. I would only ever use it on job applications. So yes, it is hugely pretentious, but whats a bit of pretence among friends

OP posts:
SantasElasticKnickers · 19/12/2007 11:21

as you feel strongly, tell her your surname, then she will at least KNow.
assumign she doesnt.
i used to use doctor but now m#put mr and mrs, on the other hand, you aren't....

perhaps she just didnt know what to put

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 19/12/2007 11:24

Santa - she actually got my name right on our card. I think she finds it quite a novelty to have a Dr in the family, it really is no big deal. In fact, perverse as i am, i think she is making a point of us not being married!! The aunts probably dont know my surname to be fair.

Its just the thing with the children, she put my surname on DD1 card etc etc.

I wont say anything, otherwise i will be the one being petty!

OP posts:
SelfishMrsClaus · 19/12/2007 11:29

I would be livid that they made a difference in the children's cards.

Last year my MIl had put

TO: XXXX

From: Nanna & Gramps on ds's card...

on dd's it was:

With Love to: XXXX

Love now & always from: Nanna & Gramps....

WTF...... I rolled them into a ball in temper & chucked them in the bin.. told her they never arrived!!!!!!!!!

SantasElasticKnickers · 19/12/2007 11:29

feel free tolet off steam here

choosyfloosy · 19/12/2007 11:29

i have to say i do find families with members with different names slightly stressful as i worry mistakes will be taken badly - and clearly i'm right to be worried!

i would say any one of these 'errors' could just be a mistake, but all of them together - YANBU. The trouble is, it is a totally different cultural mindset. If you are brought up to feel that it is a great day when you finally get called Mrs Mychoiceofbloke Chapname, as opposed to Miss Littlegirl Fathersname, you simply don't 'get' the whole keeping your name thing, and even regard it as an insult if people revert to the old name. And it must be said that in my view, in many cultures where children or daughters do keep the mother's name, there is often little visible sign of women being valued more as a result.

But that's a whole other thread [she says, hijacking]. These are your relatives and they should get it sorted. And YANBU at all about the different treatment of your children. I am in a family where copies of the family tree are produced and bandied around frequently. There's somebody missing on it - somebody who is a child of a woman who married into the family. He's never been added to the family tree! Do I have the courage to make a fuss about it? Not yet . Maybe this year I will.

choosyfloosy · 19/12/2007 11:32

sorry, not only a hijack but completely off topic as marriage isn't the issue [slaps self]

mustsleep · 19/12/2007 11:40

when i had ds me and dh were not married but didn;t want to have a diffrent name from ds cos' your right it's odd so we used dh's name and mine second (without a hythm (sp?))

when we got married when back to the register place and knocked my name off the end of ds's so now we all have the same name

what annoys me about my mil is that she always address the kids cards to name middlename iykwiy do we use a full name day to day ? no don;t understand why she does this

sorry went off a bit then yanbu why don;t you send one back and accidently get their names wrong

SelfishMrsClaus · 19/12/2007 11:43

mustsleep, a hyphen?

So she writes

To: John Smith

Love from granny

??? How odd.

mistletoepeaks · 19/12/2007 11:46

My Dh's cousin and his dp's kids both have his name so luckily I don't have an issue there. I am always so worried about offending that I always address the envelope to xxfirst namexx and xxfirst namexx. I'm hoping that this is the easiest and polite way round it? To just plainly not be bothered about causing offence would in itself offend me.
Just a personal point - I actually get excited by letters addressed to Mr & Mrs XXDH's nameXX but that's probably 'cus we've only been married 2 years!! I'm sure the novelty will wear off!!

thebecster · 19/12/2007 11:46

I wouldn't be upset about them getting name/titles wrong,I always struggle to remember everyone's situation when doing Xmas cards (big extended family with constantly changing romantic involvements and preferences, it's a minefield...) but differentiating between the kids is a whole different thing. YANBU, it's mean to create a difference like that.