We have one DS who’s two and I find it a struggle to keep on top of the housework, etc. I’ve also started to resent my partner. Our next door neighbours have two children (one’s a toddler) and their garden always looks immaculate. The husband sometimes works away but comes back at least once a week/fortnight. When he’s home, I see him cutting the grass, cleaning the windows, putting the bins out, etc. I cannot seem to get my partner to do those things! And when I want to catch up with those things over the weekend, he says we don’t spend enough time together and refers to it as “babysitting” as one of us needs to stay with DS. The back garden is full of crap. The patio needs weeding. The grass needs cutting. I missed the bins this morning (I know I should have put them out last night). I appreciate DH works but even when I worked, things weren’t different. I don’t really have anyone to take care of DS whilst I try to get on top of everything. I’m paid under £600 per month and pay all the bills minus the rent (which is £600). DH is on a salary but has debts he’s trying to pay off. At the same time, he doesn’t want me to pack him sandwiches for work and will buy food out - despite me doing the food shop and buying enough food for him to take to work.
I need new clothes and I’m overweight due to the antidepressants I’m taking. As I wean myself off them (very slowly, might I add) the resentment and dissatisfaction grows. I feel lonely as I don’t have friends with kids the same age as DS. I’ve always made friends easily but now I’m struggling to “click” with other mums as they already have their clique. I smoke a bit of weed occasionally (please don’t judge me) but it’s never in the house or around DS. It’s in the evening at a friend’s house once DS is in bed and DH is obviously home. He recently found out and he’s not happy! But it’s not like I’m spending money on it. I pay for things like toys, haircuts, clothes (to be fair, DH does buy clothes for him, too). Recently, I’ve found it hard to keep on top of the housework as I just can’t be arsed anymore. I don’t bother trying to save money anymore, I think to myself, “well he’s eating out, so will I”. I’m aware this might be a result of me coming off the medication, but at the same time the weight gain has really affect my self confidence.
I constantly go between feeling resentful, and feeling like a failure. I’ll think to myself, “she’s a single mum of two and she copes fine. Her house is lovely, etc.” then I feel lazy and hopeless. I want another child but I’m worried I won’t cope as I’m already struggling.
I need to make big changes but I don’t know where to start. Should I just suck it up and carry on taking meds (as they tend to make me feel a bit numb) or AIBU and too harsh on myself?