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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate life after cancer?

20 replies

nothappytobeheretoday · 15/12/2021 16:26

I know this is all self pity and I should be grateful to be alive.

I was diagnosed in my early thirties - just married, just starting to feel like I was getting somewhere career wise.

My husband is perfect and has stuck by me through everything.

My body is a joke to look at and I am a shell of who I once was. Feel exhausted everyday. Someone sneezes a county over and I get the flu.

Passed over for promotions at work so many times for people far less qualified. Left for something better but ended up temping. Couldn't keep up as kept getting ill.

Had a baby and probably shouldn't have. Can't afford to get him or my husband anything for Christmas. Live in a 1 bed and can't afford more. Can't get another job because LO keeps getting ill and then I'm ill for weeks. Don't know what we will do if we get a high heating bill. No real family help.

I just wish I'd never had cancer. I'm alive but no life. Anyone else experience the same?

OP posts:

MistySkiesAfterRain · 15/12/2021 16:33

Sorry you went through cancer.

There is a talk called After Treatment Finishes What Next by Dr P Harvey an expert in this field. Its online. I think it would resonate.
Do you apply for winter fuel allowance?

Tal45 · 15/12/2021 16:43

I'm so sorry that it has impacted your life so much. I think people often don't realise that although you might have survived cancer it can still affect you so much. A relative of mine had cancer and she now really struggles, very little energy, finds even going up the stairs very hard work. A one year old doesn't know about Christmas or presents so try not to stress about those things right now. What they need is love and being with you. It's so important though for you to look after yourself really well, not always easy with a baby, but sleeping well, eating well, and getting exercise are so important. I'm so sorry this is still affecting you so much.

Ponoka7 · 15/12/2021 16:43

Is it life after cancer, or life as a skint parent of a young child? I understand how having a low immune system impacts and that's what has changed your body, but there's a lot of things going on. How old is your child?

CourgetteSeason · 15/12/2021 16:47

Hey I've also been through cancer in my early 30s. A lot of what you've said resonates. Have you had any counselling? I was referred to a speacilist psychologist on the NHS and he has been a massive help. We've talked a lot about learning to live again after cancer and how you might have PTSD, how our view of the world changes etc. I'm also taking antidepressants and they're a big help. I've also read the talk another poster has mentioned and it was really helpful.

Please don't feel alone in how you feel and don't be afraid to reach out to your GP etc for help. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Frazzledmummy123 · 15/12/2021 16:47

I am so sorry you went through that and are feeling this way . Don't beat yourself up about feeling like this, of course you are happy you came through it, but you are allowed to feel down about the negative impact it has had on your life.

I don't know what to suggest, maybe a peer support group, talking with others who have been through the same might help? It might help to be around others who have been through the same so you don't feel so alone.

MaHBroon · 15/12/2021 17:07

Op, You may not believe it but by writing your post I suspect there’s many a mumsnetter saying - jeezo, that’s exactly how I’m feeling but I didn’t want to say in case Im told I’m a wimp/or that I’m ungrateful.

I was diagnosed with stage 1a ovarian cancer a year ago and like nearly almost everyone I come across I actually thought ‘ well I’ve (you’ve) dodged a bullet there/ at least it was caught early/ thank god I don’t need chemotherapy. But the truth is that I’m exhausted. I had a huge surgery that I got over very quickly even considering I’m in my 60’s but I’m blooming well exhausted because the whole sodding thing has aged me despite my best efforts to carry on as normal. My arthritis is worse, I get headaches and what seems like one cold/allergy after another and then there’s the 5 years worth of check ups that go hand in hand even with stage 1a. It’s bloody exhausting and for instance a day doing my volunteering yesterday meant I had a 2 hour nap this afternoon. And that’s what is like now despite me not wanting to ‘lie down’ to feeling so out of sorts.

And then there’s the fact that even amongst other cancer survivors there is a tendency for some who also have a diagnosis of ovarian cancer to resent someone who has ‘gotten away with stage 1a and not needed treatment’ to the extent that even here on the cancer board they will ignore you. Not that it bothers me as I can see what’s behind their reasoning - the only OC worth any mention or though is what they may have. The truth is however that I have a very rare OC and should it come back my treatment options are almost non existent to the extent that it’s almost as if I’d been diagnosed with a stage 4 terminal cancer to begin with.

I’m really sorry you’re still going through such difficult times and that life is so blooming hard right now. I can’t offer any practical help but thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post. ❤️

MaHBroon · 15/12/2021 17:10

Ps just to say that the first few replies above mine have been spot on and I hope you can take some heart from them.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 15/12/2021 17:33

I don't hate life after cancer but I'm not the same person I was.

The radiotherapy put me straight into menopause which has messed my sleep up. My bladder and bowels aren't what they were. Brachytherapy messed up my sex life a bit 🤦‍♀️

I do feel tired more than I used to.

I feel lucky to have been cured but it's taken something from me. Then I feel guilty as I have a friend who cannot be cured, and she would give anything to be cured however shit she felt after

FrankGrillosWrist · 15/12/2021 17:38

I got you OP, it’s not the cancer it’s the treatment that screws you up & the fear that it will come back. People think they you’re fine because it’s gone, they don’t hear your screams though. I was first diagnosed over a decade ago. Then I got a different cancer that I still have today, & probably always will have. I’m thinking that you’ve had cancer fairly recently. I’d try & get someone counselling, or join an online group like Macmillan or cancer research.

MaHBroon · 15/12/2021 17:43

Sorry, just to say I don’t hate life after cancer either. I’m just bloody exhausted.

I do see a psychiatrist who specializes in women’s after a diagnosis like cancer though and that helps.

ikeepseeingit · 15/12/2021 17:45

OP you’ve been through a traumatic event, and are still feeling effects today. Feel free to talk about it as much as you need to. You are young, and your colleagues likely don’t understand the impact it has had, young people generally don’t. Which makes it even harder for those that are sick. It’s no surprise that you would be bitter, angry or jealous that the people around you find it all so much easier and don’t even realise. I’m sorry you’re getting sick all the time. I’m sorry your life was turned upside down and you haven’t been given the opportunities you should have because of it 💕

pickingdaisies · 15/12/2021 18:20

@ikeepseeingit

I can't say it any better than this. But I want to add that how you are now is not how it has to stay. I felt tired and struggled with low immunity for years after treatment, but it did get better. The people who bounce back and run marathons are the ones who get in the media, but there are plenty of people who just take longer (sometimes a lot longer) so don't give up. I think you need to get support for the way you are feeling right now, don't suffer alone

ElJardinDeLosSuenos · 15/12/2021 18:40

Like others, it’s not that I hate life after cancer; it’s that through all the surgeries and chemotherapy, and the side effects such as sepsis, there was a fight in me to battle through it and get back to normal which kept me going. I finished my treatment and went back to work, really pushing myself because again, I was looking forward to feeling normal again. The truth is, my normal is not the same as it was; I’m exhausted, I catch every bug going and they knock me out completely, and everyone tells me how well I’m doing so I feel like I have to be doing well all the time. Mostly I am fine, I’m cured, I’m not unhappy, but I’m not the same person and it’s disorientating and a bit rubbish sometimes.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 15/12/2021 21:13

The idea that you should feel grateful and lucky to be alive is nonsense - you were really unlucky to get cancer. I am always astonished when people who've been through awful experiences that no one would have chosen say they are lucky: if you were bitten by a crocodile, you might say you were lucky to be alive but it was bloody unlucky to be bitten by a crocodile in the first place. It just seems daft and an unfair social pressure on people to feel 'lucky'. Why should you have to be so brave? It seems entirely reasonable to feel sorry for yourself for a bit. I'm sure that you will eventually bounce back and feel better but surely - surely - you are allowed to feel whatever you feel after all you have been through.

Original poster

nothappytobeheretoday · 16/12/2021 10:01

Thank you everyone for taking the time to write and your kind words.

I'm in my 40's now and my LO is turning three early next year. All but one of my friends disappeared when I had cancer. Now my only real friends I've made since cancer have moved far away. We still chat but it isn't the same.

I will look into everything suggested. I've been on NHS therapy waiting lists for months. I should probably go back on antidepressants.

I suppose I just feel powerless. Having grown up poor, I worked from the age of 14 which helped me feel like I could do something to change my life for the better. Now I just feel back at square one and like I made a mistake bringing a child into my mess.

Thank you for your understanding words - it helps to not feel so alone.

OP posts:

thereisonlyoneofme · 16/12/2021 10:06

Life after cancer is preferable to living with cancer. I would give anything to be free of it but never will be . Unfortunately sometimes the treatment is worse than the disease.

marganit · 16/12/2021 10:22

I am glad I read your message, to get my problems in perspective. People are under Covid, under cancer. I started Feng Shui my home, not figurines or statues, but reasonable stuff, and I started to feel some progress. Not everything is rosy, but I felt some changes for better. Feng shui is not The Answer, but maybe it can help you a bit.

ChangeChingyChange · 16/12/2021 10:36

So sad OP, it will get better particularly as your LO immune system improves and yours will too eventually.

Just a note to anyone reading - set up a critical illness policy for the largest amount you can afford when you (or your children) hit age 18. It's the cheapest time to buy based on age and could be life changing in the future especially as 1 in 2 of us now will get cancer. Sorry to hijack OP but I think it's important to highlight.

DontWantTheRivalry · 16/12/2021 10:53

My illness isn’t as serious as cancer, but I certainly empathise with the feeling of having no life. I know there are many, many people worse off than me so maybe it is self pity but sometimes I really hate my illness because it pretty much defines me. I am I constantly aware of the impact of my illness on many aspects of my life and I also know that my illness can reappear and screw my life up again at any point. I keep building myself back up but I know that things can come crashing back down around me at any point. I also always feel like I’m constantly going back to square one.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, it’s really shit and I get it

Lillyhatesjaz · 16/12/2021 11:42

I have been there too, there is a real feeling of deflation at the end of treatment a sort of is that it then, and it takes a long time to feel yourself again mentally or physically.
I am 5 years on now feeling better in my 50s than I did in my 40s which I basically spent on the sofa, what has helped for me has been
1.exercise ,I started with some sessions run by the hospital for cancer patients then later joined the council gym gentle things like tai chi and yoga were especially helpful.

I found doing anything creative really helpful mentally, I have knitted a lot of hats and made a lot of cake.
Also walking outside and really looking at the small details, like the shape of individual leaves and the flowers in people's gardens.

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