To ask about flying monkey?

[malificent7]

So i got a message from step sister saying that her mum ( my step mum) thinks ive pushed her away. I have for my own readons ( really miss my real late mum and find step mum hard work.)
But why can my step mum not ask me directly? Id have lots more respect for her if she didnt use flying monkeys and is one reason why i keep her at arms length.

How can she ask you directly if you deliberately keep her at arms length?

Sounds fairly appropriate to ask a family member to mediate tbh.

But you admit you’re keeping her at arms length - so she’s right.

And she’s discussing it with her daughter. Which she also is absolutely entitled to do.

Some people are really nervous about confrontation. Perhaps she feels awkward? Perhaps she feels asking you directly would be in some way upsetting for you seeing as you've already said you have your own reasons for pushing her away. Referring to your step sister as a "flying monkey" shows you're probably not that receptive to reconciliation and perhaps this is the vibe you give off.

Life is short and very tough at the moment. Perhaps give the woman in break. You don't have to be best friends, but maybe don't give her a hard time for not knowing how to approach this situation.

I don't line flying monkeys either. My mother used to do that.

You owe her nothing, tell anyone who 'tries to mediate' that you would prefer they don't try to talk to you about stuff that doesn't concern them.

Just be honest and say that yes you have distanced yourself, you don’t feel the need for a relationship, and mothering not compounds it. Does she need/want something from you?

The thing is...i dont want to get too close for my own reasons...mostly because i have issues with my dad. I just miss my Real mum and its not her fault. But she does love it when im going through a hard time and always compares me to her dd. Not sure how to mention this directly without a blow up. I did cut her loads of slack...she looks delighted when i'm stressed and when i lost my job she couldnt stop smiling. Im v sanguine but it hurts.

Mothering not was supposed to be mithering just

I do have a relationship with her...its civil but not too close. Which is best for me.

@malificent7

The thing is...i dont want to get too close for my own reasons...mostly because i have issues with my dad. I just miss my Real mum and its not her fault. But she does love it when im going through a hard time and always compares me to her dd. Not sure how to mention this directly without a blow up. I did cut her loads of slack...she looks delighted when i'm stressed and when i lost my job she couldnt stop smiling. Im v sanguine but it hurts.

In that case just tell the daughter the SM is not needed/wanted and stop trying to contact you. Don’t get into her being a nasty cow, it will turn into a drawn out waste of your energy.

Just reply back with a vague “thank you for thinking of me” and then ignore her.

It's between your SM and you so I would try and avoid furthering the conversation with your SS. She's only a flying monkey if you feel you SM has sent her to tell you this rather than her just telling you of her own accord through concern. Either way just a courteous reply is fine. You don't need to explain your boundaries to anyone. If your SM asks you directly you don't have to be rude obviously. It sounds like you've given it all plenty of thought so just go with your instincts x

Assuming you don’t want a closer relationship and would prefer to keep a fragile peace then feign ignorance and change the subject.

“Lovely to hear from you s/a. It’s been a funny couple of years for everyone, hasn’t it? Hope you have a lovely Christmas and we must must meet up in the New Year”.*

• or other positive but non-commmiting statement.

Basically be a politician. Ignore the actual question and answer on the topic you want.

Or just ignore the message. You don’t have to answer and silence is golden.

We are seeing them at Christmas so I don't really know what she means. She is not my real mum but I am polite and courteous. She can be lovely but equally she can be very hard work.

Do what Maskingforit said. Don't get drawn into explaining yourself.

I think she did send my step sister . Its just one of those things where there will be no fall out ....its just circumstances.

You can either reply as @MaskingForIt suggests

Or you can reply "I had my own mother thanks"

The second would probably cause you more flak than you would want to handle. So I would go with @MaskingForIt and just don't get drawn in or feel like you need to explain anything.

I already replied back " nothing personal...just miss my mum a week ago." Step sis gets it.

That seems like a reasonable exchange. Hopefully she won't let herself get recruited again.

I’d literally never heard of flying monkeys meaning this before! Obviously I get it now I’ve read your post but didn’t realise it meant “middle person/ messenger”