Send a Christmas card or leave him alone?

[Duckgooseduck]

After some advice on a bit of a weird situation.

Years ago my DM met a man, we'll call him "Rodger". For context when they first met I was a young teenager living with DM, now they are both 65+ and I am late 20's.

DM and Rodger were never a romantic couple (as far as I'm aware) but he was a very dear friend and around a lot for years. Sadly last year DM had a massive stroke and lost all her speech amongst other things. please keep in mind DM can not speak or type before anyone asks why I'm so involved Rodger was a rock while she was in hospital, he helped me go to DM's house and adapt it to her new needs, he checked in with her work for me while I was too stressed to deal with it. Honestly he was a god send. After DM came out of hospital he visited and they remained close.

Eight months ago DM had a second stroke. I let Rodger know and again he was very worried and caring. And then Rodger just... disappeared. I sent him a message or two asking if he was okay and got no response. About 6 months ago I bumped into him in town, he was very apologetic for not getting in touch (I reassured him that was fine, we were worried about him) he said his adult daughter was having some troubles and he was very stressed. And now we've heard nothing since. We have messaged him asking how he and his daughter is and got no response, we have wished him happy birthday and again no response. He occasionally updates Facebook so we know he's... Well, alive.

DM misses him greatly, they were close for years. I am tempted to put a Christmas card through his door and let him know she still thinks of him. Do you think he has just grown apart from DM after her stroke and doesn't wish to be involved with her any more?

Yabu: He's moved on, leave the man alone.

Yanbu: It would be nice to let him know DM still thinks of him.

Send a card without any mention about your mum

If he wanted contact you would have heard from him. Leave him be.

Send a card but keep it simple...To Rodger, wishing you a merry Christmas..from duckgooseduck and mum.

Yes maybe he thinks you are lining him up to be a carer. Id go for option of sending him a card and no mention of yr mother.

Maybe he had a breakdown if he was stressed or he could have found it too much trying to cope with your mum's stroke as well as his daughter's problems, so decided to put his daughter first.

I don't thnk there's any harm sending a Christmas card but I wouldn't put your mum is missing him, I'd just say hope you're keeping well. Then if he wants to get in touch he will do.

If you send a card just keep it very simple. "Dear Rodger and family, Happy Christmas, love Duckgooseduck and mum".

I'd send a card, just a Happy Christmas to you and yours and all the best for 2022, thinking of you, op+ops DM.

Thank you for the responses. I just find it so sad that years of friendship is over just like that. DM misses him and he's a very lovely man.

It looks like the best thing to do is a simple merry Christmas from duckgooseduck and family, card.

i agree, just send a normal happy xmas card and say that you hope hes well x

I wonder with all your worries if you once thought Roger might be struggling or may have needed help. When he mentioned his daughter did you offer to help him in any way? Sometimes we can be so wrapped up in our own troubles that we can forget that other people may need help.

Yes we absolutely are worried he is struggling. Like I say, our messages were always along the lines of "Hope you are okay" "We're thinking of you and your daughter" not just bugging him with our problems. When I bumped into him in town I asked how I could help and he said he had family coming into town and didn't need anything.

I know it sounds a bit odd but this man was family in my eyes. He was the first person besides my partner and DM to hold my daughter when she was born. We didn't use him or badger him into helping, he was always there for us and us for him, then he disappeared.

Send the card, it won’t cause any harm whatsoever. I suspect it may all have got too much for him so he pulled away.

It does sound a bit like he is wanting to cut ties a little. I would just send a plain happy Christmas card this year. Does he ever reciprocate with the cards? If he doesn't this year I'd just leave it from then on

He is probably having big issues of his own, and may not want to worry you and your family. It could be any number of things, but just be there and send the card. The wording by Lockheart was just right.

Send a card and in the card let him know how much you care about him and miss him. Put you feelings in writing and including that under no circumstances you want to put pressure on him.

"He is just not that into you" (aka DM)

Take the hint

Sorry for dm
But this is just what it is
Onwards and upwards

Yes I think he has decided to step back, but at the same time there is nothing wrong with sending a card at Christmas.

I might he tempted to write and say if he ever needs anything, your door is open. He's supported you for a long time you would love to return the favour and put your mob number.

Send him a normal, happy Christmas card without any questions/ ‘heavy hearted’ messages of support etc.
Just something along the lines of
‘Merry Christmas to you and your family. Best wishes for the new year, would love to hear from you again!’

I would do a simple text along the lines ‘Merry Xmas to you and your family’.

It's been a difficult year for lots of people due to covid & all the restrictions. Some people have had to change their priorities, jobs, responsibilities etc

I would send a card with a generic Merry Christmas message from your family to his family