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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I'm being used

12 replies

PurpleSky300 · 14/12/2021 19:16

I've had a terrible day and I can't shake this feeling that so many people in my life just 'use' me and disappear.

  1. My mother, who I'm close to, is stuck in a miserable relationship where she is (mostly) financially dependent on him. She is expected to buy groceries, petrol, pet food etc from her part-time salary and never has enough, so I make up the shortfall. In the past year, I've also paid for her car repairs (£300), glasses (£200), holiday clothes, Christmas money for other relatives and basically anything "unexpected" because she refuses to ask him for help. When I challenge her on it, she says he pays enough already and that's that - so I'm stuck.
  1. I feel like a "last resort" for at least two of my friends. The amount of times they cancel plans at the last minute, don't message back and just put zero effort in - it's so demoralizing and makes me feel crap. I have tried to talk to them about it and just get the usual rubbish like, "Oh, I'm just a bit crap with messages" or "I've been busy" etc etc.

I feel like I'm seen as someone who will just 'accept' anything and everything and has no boundaries. It's frustrating and lonely.

OP posts:
Bargoed · 14/12/2021 19:29

1.Get a back bone and say no to your mother
2.Find friends who don't treat you like this. Once is bad, twice is a pattern, 3 times for me would end a friendship or at least reduce it to an aquatanceship

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 19:45

Maybe your refusal to sub your dm will be an incentive to sort her life out.

Chloemol · 14/12/2021 20:09
  1. Tell your mother you can no longer afford to subsidise her she will have to speak to her partner
  2. Drop the friends, don’t make contact just wait for them to contact you, if they do
ChangeChingyChange · 14/12/2021 20:55

@Chloemol

1. Tell your mother you can no longer afford to subsidise her she will have to speak to her partner
  1. Drop the friends, don’t make contact just wait for them to contact you, if they do
100%
Offmyfence · 14/12/2021 20:59

@Chloemol

1. Tell your mother you can no longer afford to subsidise her she will have to speak to her partner
  1. Drop the friends, don’t make contact just wait for them to contact you, if they do
100%
honeybeetheoneandonly · 14/12/2021 21:04

Your mum's not going to change and neither will your friends. Either accept that's what it's like or ensure it changes. Ball's in your court.

gamerchick · 14/12/2021 21:08

You aren't stuck. You're allowing people to walk all over you. Tell mother you're not subbing her anymore and not to ask

Once you've done that, you'll find it easier to ditch the shit mates.

It's time to toughen up OP and realise your worth.

RoastedParnsip · 14/12/2021 21:10

Is your mum being abused by her partner?
Your friends aren't that into in or really do have a lot on their plates right now either way Get yourself some new ones.

2bazookas · 14/12/2021 21:30

You are ENABLING your mother's partner to make her unhappy and not pull his weight financially.

You are ENABLING your mother to stay with a man who treats her badly. It's not support, it's damaging her.

For the sake of your mother and yourself, tell her that from January 1 there will be no more money. Then stick to it.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 15/12/2021 18:14

@2bazookas

You are ENABLING your mother's partner to make her unhappy and not pull his weight financially.

You are ENABLING your mother to stay with a man who treats her badly. It's not support, it's damaging her.

For the sake of your mother and yourself, tell her that from January 1 there will be no more money. Then stick to it.

I can understand why you say this, but it's not so easy to solve. Their relationship has gone on for 20 years. She used to have access to his card for groceries until he decided she overspent last Christmas and confiscated it. Sometimes I feel like I have to help her to protect her from hardships.
OP posts:
Dontbeme · 15/12/2021 18:20

Sometimes I feel like I have to help her to protect her from hardships

You are protecting her from the consequences of her own choices. Twenty years she has chosen to live like this, do her a favour and the next time she asks for money give her the contact details for women's aid for advice on financial abuse. Anything else is just papering over abuse. If he was beating her would you help her leave or send her a plaster for her wounds?

ThackeryBinks · 15/12/2021 18:26

Hi OP this sounds really awful. Your Mum is an adult and as such needs to stand on her own two feet. Otherwise she is never going to make the choices she needs to be able to make. It may be that her relationship is financially abusive. That's her journey and she need does to find out for herself. If you are put a sticking plaster on you are delaying the inevitable. It may well be a case of better sooner rather than later. Explain that you love her but you just can't keep supporting her financially indefinitely. Give her a timescale. Maybe see if there is a women's aid course you could get her on? It might help her. Good luck OP! Daffodil

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