When did you realise your extended family just weren't bothered

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

When I was younger I had a lovely childhood surrounded by aunties, cousins etc. Then when one of my parents passed away suddenly, the family meet ups went from every month, to few months, to years now. I just feel like noone is interested anymore, they all stay in their own nuclear families now and don't like mixing outside of that. One cousin even moved to my current city from our hometown for 4 years for work and made no effort to meet up. I suggested a few times to let me know when she was free, but it never amounted to anything.

I think the last straw was I saw aunt, uncle and cousins having a meet up on social media in my city... I've lived here for 8 years and they've never asked me meet up with me, see my house etc.

Just feels like as well as loosing a parent, I lost a lot of extended family too. Does anyone else feel the same? When did you recognise it?

DH and I realised the summer and Christmas before covid, that our families only ever get together when we organise, host and pay for it all.

We realised that no other bugger organises a bbq, a meal, or even invites anyone over for drinks and nibbles or even just a coffee. We were doing all the legwork. So we have stopped.

When my dad died I basically lost the whole of his side of the family. It's definitely a "thing" with my dad's lot - when your link to the family dies, then you pretty much do too in their eyes. Now I only see them at funerals, and only if they remember to tell us that the person has died. I have three cousins on that side, and I couldn't tell you where they lived or how many kids they have or what their kids are called.

Sorry about that @TooWicked. We had similar on the other side, a great aunt would always host an Xmas Eve party for extended family. Pay for all booze, food, do gift bags for adults and kids, must have easily spent £500-£1000 a time. CF relatives would come in, empty handed of course, drink the booze, the blokes would piss off to the pub for an hour or twmid party (ironically the same uncle who visited my city recently!) Then great aunt would be there tidying up while they rolled in half cut mid party. I was about 10 at the time and remember being at the cheeky fuckery. This happened several times and this aunt no longer hosts as she's "too busy". I don't bloody blame her.

Sorry @whatdidisayalan
Think it's the same with mine too, now the link has been lost and as an only child with no surviving grandparents on that side, they're not bothered

Does this include mil's?
Mil made effort when I met her a year into me and dp's relationship..
We had a dc and she ran for the hills!!
Strange woman!!
Me and dc have each other and dc. No other family as nc with our dps.

Very very early on for me - about age 14. Very few bothered with my mum, she did the running. Eventually she stopped and they just never reappeared. At that point I thought screw them and never tried to make contact myself. Saw them at the odd funeral.

Means my wedding was easy. I'm now in another country - invited my parents and siblings and old neighbour who was like an extra grandmother but nobody else

I discovered when my grandparents died (within a year of each other) that I wasn't considered close family. For the first grandparent I wasn't told and then I got an sms from a relative with the news. Then for the funeral I was supposed to be with a friend of my aunt - someone I'd never met - while my aunts and father were together. I was distraught at this death. I loved my grandparents so much.

For the second grandparent, I was told straight away. I had planned to visit this grandparent exactly a month later - all tickets and reservations made and paid for. Had been planned for a while. My aunt lived there so I asked if I should still come. She said yes, would be nice to see us etc. There's nobody and nothing else there for us to visit. Day before we come she messages to say she's going to the rugby in London and not sure she'll be free to see us when she's back. I had to v young kids. This aunt was someone very special to me and I had grown up believing I was to her.

In the end I had a cup of tea with her (and my other aunt who it turned out had come over from abroad too). It was heartbreaking. I still remember saying goodbye to them. It was like my entire childhood had been a lie. In the space of 8 months I lost my very dear grandparents and everybody else in my extended family who I loved. I realised that they were special to me (in part because they were my only extended family) but I was just one of many family members for them, and that it was due to my grandmother that I'd ever even seen them.

My father - their brother/son - had disappeared from my life when I was young, so the fact that they also couldn't care less about me was, and is, deeply painful. It would have been better to never have known them.

We finally got married this year, after having to cancel twice due to covid. Not a single one of my extended family sent so much as a card, a text or even a bloody FB 'like' to say congratulations.

Same. My mum died then my dad had a stroke. Despite being close to my mums family (dads from another country), and having
support after mums illness, everyone vanished once my dad was Ill. I’m close still with one aunt who lives the furthest away.
The ones who live closest and could have been a better support, we never hear from or return calls/messsges. When they do they promise visits and meet ups etc but they never happen. I’ve stopped chasing now. One
Cousin who I was close with but lives far away, stayed for a night a in a hotel 2 miles away from me while travelling but ‘forgot’ to mention it. They’d visited the month before and drove right past it so they couldn’t say they didn’t know or something. If I visited their city and stayed 2 miles from them but didn’t say, they would’ve been really upset. We were newish parents and it would’ve been nice for a brief visit or drink but they obviously weren’t as keen 😒 messages and texts go unanswered so I’ve stopped.

I realised in the last few weeks that my brother ( who is my only living family) really doesn't care about me the way I thought he did and dh and I do all the hosting etc and are asked for advice but never get asked anything about us or dd's.
One dd even had major surgery and they never even asked her how she was at our last time together- hosted by us obviously but we were told all about their kids and how amazing they are !
I'm remarkably at peace with this realisation bizarrely as I don't have to try anymore!
I feel light a weight I didn't know was there has been lifted.

Like not light 🤦🏽‍♀️

My in laws are like this. Used to all see each other and be super close, now we never see them bar one or two members and that's that.

My family we see a lot of though, but we've always been hugely close knit I'm sure it'll change when my grand parents pass away though.

I think it's a sign of the times - it's rare to see a large close knit family nowadays.

Honestly haven't seen some cousins and aunts and uncles since I was a very young child around 3 or 4. One on my dad's side didn't even come back home for her parents funerals!
The ones we were closer to (because my mum was close to one of her sisters) we saw each other quite a bit when we were younger but haven't seen any of them in a few years. There has been a child born that I've never met (she's 4) there's been a wedding that we weren't invited to (my mum was) don't think we are invited to the next wedding either, but then I didn't expect to stay close to my cousins when we got older. Or aunts and uncles really. One grandparents die and parents children are grown people go their separate ways. I have nothing in common with most of them accept blood, don't have any reason to spend time with them.
DPs family are quite close but there are bloody hundreds of them and they all live in basically the same town so it's hard for them to lose contact 🤣

If I didn't arrange everything with my brother I would never see him. Have never once been invited for a meal at his yet he turns up at Christmas and eats all my food and enjoys my hospitality. He's never hosted Christmas, never even had our Mum over for a meal. He is still the golden child though!

As soon as my nanna died on both sides family gatherings pretty much stopped.

My DH's auntie is the glue for his side of the family. His dad had lots of siblings but only stayed in contact with just this sister. She is 11 years older than his dad, so is like a grandma to DH. His cousins (auntie's children) were older so he grew up playing with the cousins children as they all lived close by during his childhood. But as everyone has grown up, people have moved away, some even to America.
It's great when the cousins and cousins children come to visit, even with their own children (so auntie's great grandchildren). We all meet up, have meals, go for drinks, some have stayed in our house before. Some we were really close to when we were younger so we went to visit them for weekends away and went to each other's weddings, they also bought us gifts when our DS was born.
But I know once DH's auntie passes away we won't see them anymore, as they have their own lives and nothing else to bring them back up here. DH loves his big extended family.

*a few months before meant to be

I’m actively trying to shake mine off. I have a huge extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins on my Mum’s side. My Mum moved to be closer to them in 2019 (had grown up with them about 45mns away so still very close) and since then she sees them all the time and has become obsessed with trying to get me to see them more as well. They’re all very family-oriented but I just don’t feel that way at all - I’m an only child and my Dad is dead so my only family in my eyes is my Mum and my DH and his immediate family. I just have no interest in my cousins/aunts and their families. They don’t feel the same unfortunately, so at least a couple of times a year I have to make an effort for the sake of my Mum.
When she dies I doubt I’ll ever see them again.

Me too OP. My mum cheated on my dad then dumped him, there was a lot of drama there & I’m pretty convinced we were no longer invited to family parties so they could all gossip about it without us there. Very hurtful.

We still have some extended family contact but it has dwindled. There were 5 siblings all married with children; many of those children are now grandparents. Now only 2 of the siblings are still living, aged in their late 80s and very impaired. To be fair, if you bring together everyone descended from the five siblings, it's dozens of people.

Neither of my parents are close to their parents or siblings so I always knew they weren't bothered.

There is a nuclear family culture in the UK. Even if you all get along, if it came to taking sides, people will side with their own children.

I have the same memories of lots of cousins and aunties growing up and then it sort of faded away a bit, people moved overseas and some of the major “links” either died or were the ones who moved away. I think often when it’s aunties and uncles, they’re obviously siblings - and they hang out when the kids are young, but there does usually have to be that “glue” person/household that brings everyone together. For our family, it was a particular aunt and Uncle, once they moved away the hang outs sort of just stopped, but then they recently moved back to our home town and I know that people see each other a bit more, but because it’s been so long, most of the various lines have siloed off and it’s just not the same.

I do wonder what will happen when that generation goes, as I have almost nothing in common with most of my cousins in the same generation, so I can’t really imagine any of us seeing each other without the aunties and uncles as a reason.

I guess you just start your own family and start again.

It is sad though, as the previous generation had so many more siblings. These days people have one or two kids, so there isn’t really the potential for a big cousin get together.

Its not even just extended family unless we go to see my parents (2hrs drive) we don't see them. They are both capable drivers and travel all over the world. Even worse are DH's parents who live in the same town as us, unless we go to see them we don't see them either. To be honest I'm last caring but when the kids were smaller it did used to upset me when I saw other people having lovely big family meet ups or the Grandparents helping with school pick up etc. We are on our own and I've come to terms with that.

Realised it ages ago when I decided to stop making an effort.
I instigated meet ups/travel to them etc and it was never reciprocated.
Then they moan on FB that nobody cares

They can swivel on it.

I’ve seen this kind of thing in my own family, but had a different perspective on it. I never saw it as being that extended family weren’t bothered about me, but more that they were really bothered about the key family member who was the focal point of the family. The one who did all the leg work for keeping in touch, hosting big gatherings, creating events to bring everyone together.

For my family this was my maternal grandmother, and she was a real role model for me. The one who brought everyone together and that people would go the extra mile for. She was a really special woman who impacted everyone she knew in a positive way. After she died, no one else in her generation nor my parents generation had the same charisma and emotional investment to fill that role. And I was too young.

But as I grew up and had a family (including extended step-families) of my own, I very much want to continue that tradition that I saw my grandmother establish, but for the next generation of my own family. I already see it happening that it is me and my husband (but mostly me!) that arranges all the get togethers and activities and meet ups, and I’m sure we are that focal point for our children and their children, and hope that will continue. However, I’m under no illusions that once I’m gone, everyone will probably continue on in their own individual lives. And that’s ok - as hopefully they will all have happy memories of past gatherings.