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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to give him a shake?

3 replies

FlorAmarilla · 14/12/2021 13:44

I have been with DP for nearly 5 years now, we are both in our mid 20s. We get on great, and have always been in a very supportive relationship. When we first met, we were both very social with our own friend groups, fit/sporty, enjoyed foreign holidays and spontaneous trips.

A really toxic workplace lead to him taking some time off and being prescribed medication. During this period he also stopped all sport, and didn't see his friends much at all. His family and I did all we could to support during this time, which seemed to help. He found a new position which he is happy in, but with COVID starting shortly after, this meant his social life continued to suffer (as did everyone's really).

After things started to get a little bit more normal, I found I was also not having a great social life (friends in different cities now after uni etc). I used local meetup groups where I met a couple of great people, and joined a new hobby group which has been amazing socially.

I would love for him to go out and make some new friends, find a new hobby, or even just make some plans to travel as a couple etc. I've offered to help with this, or he could come along to my fitness hobby as they are a social bunch and have a good guys group. However he is too anxious to do any of this, so if we do things with friends, it is with mine and their partners. If he goes out, it's with me or his family. I just feel a bit drained - every time I go out I know he will be sat alone at home on the sofa/in bed. I don't resent him as such but I am starting to pity him almost, which removes a lot of the sexual attraction that was once there. He still feels the attraction to me but I'm really starting to lose it.

I suppose I am just looking for some advice, anyone who has been in the same situation? Would I be unreasonable to give some kind of ultimatum?

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/12/2021 13:50

He has depression. It’s an illness.

If you can’t deal with it then you need to leave him, but don’t stay and be resentful.

I’ve been where he is. It sucks. A pissed off partner would neither help or change things.

Don’t give him an ultimatum. Just leave. He might even be relieved.

Siameasy · 14/12/2021 13:51

Yanbu - if he’s like this now imagine if you had a child. Even non anxious men try the patience I couldn’t bear this. I agree that sexually it’s hugely off putting
He could try The Thrive Programme

FlorAmarilla · 14/12/2021 14:12

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon Thanks for your honest words. I am under no illusion how bad depression is, and am acutely aware that it's an illness.

Medication has helped him hugely, I check in regularly with how he is feeling mentally and he has mentioned how much better he feels now vs two years ago. The difference is obvious too, even from being too anxious to drive our own car to driving vans/trucks etc no problem daily. He also expresses how much he has enjoyed social events if I ask him to come. I think in a way he has become comfortable with his situation and and has no desire to change, hence why I considered some kind of ultimatum.

@Siameasy Thank you, I appreciate your comment. I will look into The Thrive Progamme!

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