How do you do it all

blinkingheckthisishard · 2021-12-13T22:58:47+00:00

I'm a mum of two young children. I work full time as a nurse in a demanding job. I'm doing my MSc and am in the final year which is so full on. I cook. I clean. I wash. I iron. I do ALL of the life admin! My kids are clean, well fed and loved which I know is the most important thing. But I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I get up at 6am. Rarely get home from work before 10.30pm three nights a week. On the days I work I miss being able to pick my kids up from school and put them to bed. I'm forever feeling guilty - about not being there for my children every evening. For not being able to give 100% at work. For doing this bloody course that I wish I had never started but have invested so much time and energy into and I am so close to finishing I can't give up now. How do people manage? I can't afford a cleaner. Most of my disposable income goes on childcare. I know this is a bit of a rant (which has been quite therapeutic if I'm honest!) but it's not a pity party - what I want to know is how do other people manage these situations? Any tips would be gratefully received.

violetsbabybluedragon · 13/12/2021 23:00

I don't if I'm honest. You are doing amazing you should be incredibly proud

PoinsettaPrincess · 13/12/2021 23:00

Do you have a partner? If not kudos to you managing everything alone.

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 23:04

I don't do it all!

My house is just about liveable in terms of tidyness/cleanliness. I manage my job by having stayed at the same role for a decade and resisted the temptation to go for a promotion - my experience means I can do the job relatively easily.

I have a DH who is pitching in with the kids (although I do more than he does, especially with regard to mental load).

I don't know how on earth you fit in studying as well!

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 23:05

Oh and ditch the ironing, for sure. I never do that.

givethatbabyaname · 13/12/2021 23:06

Listen to yourself. You’re proving to yourself that you can’t do it all. Nobody can. Do you really think anyone can do EVERYTHING?

Something has to give. You have to choose the least important thing to you and give that up.

moogfromthego · 13/12/2021 23:09

Definitely stop ironing!

Original poster

blinkingheckthisishard · 13/12/2021 23:11

@PoinsettaPrincess

Do you have a partner? If not kudos to you managing everything alone.

I have a husband who does a bit. If you ask him he'll say he does his fair share but in reality he does about 20% of the childcare and a bit of cooking. But he never thinks about the day to day running of our lives.

We argue about it and he will do a bit more for a while and then relapses into his laziness. Or tell me I'm a control freak so there's no point in him doing it as he will do it all wrong (which to some extent is true).

OP posts:

Original poster

blinkingheckthisishard · 13/12/2021 23:13

@DeepaBeesKit

Oh and ditch the ironing, for sure. I never do that.

I may have exaggerated a bit on the ironing front! I only do my work uniforms and the school uniforms so that only takes about 30mins on a Sunday. Although the next set of school jumpers I buy will definitely be non-iron!

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pinkflowersintherain · 13/12/2021 23:16

Your problem is your partner. Why are you letting him get away with this?

It would still be hard even if he did his fair share but 20% is taking the piss if you work full time.

Original poster

blinkingheckthisishard · 13/12/2021 23:17

@givethatbabyaname

Listen to yourself. You’re proving to yourself that you can’t do it all. Nobody can. Do you really think anyone can do EVERYTHING?

Something has to give. You have to choose the least important thing to you and give that up.

I know your right. But what do I give up? I really shouldn't have started my MSc but I managed to a fully funded place plus study leave from work so I didn't think I could miss the opportunity. Although I was very naive about how much work was involved.

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Original poster

blinkingheckthisishard · 13/12/2021 23:17

@givethatbabyaname

Listen to yourself. You’re proving to yourself that you can’t do it all. Nobody can. Do you really think anyone can do EVERYTHING?

Something has to give. You have to choose the least important thing to you and give that up.

I know your right. But what do I give up? I really shouldn't have started my MSc but I managed to a fully funded place plus study leave from work so I didn't think I could miss the opportunity. Although I was very naive about how much work was involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

blinkingheckthisishard · 13/12/2021 23:20

@pinkflowersintherain

Your problem is your partner. Why are you letting him get away with this?

It would still be hard even if he did his fair share but 20% is taking the piss if you work full time.

I know your right. But sometimes it's easier just to do it myself than to have another argument about the same thing which is exhausting.

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StoneofDestiny · 13/12/2021 23:22

OP - I could have written that post several years ago. I remember working all hours - (not in your job though) - just to see it go on childcare costs. (No family nearby to help).
When your children go to school you will turn a corner financially and no doubt you will have a salary increase too. The biggest thing is having no time to look after yourself. Be careful - -

I have no tips I tried and tested - but if I was in a position to change things I'd have let the house go a bit to pot - the need to be tidy came from me, nobody else. I couldn't/can't stand mess.
When I was in a position to afford it I'd have had a cleaner - I'm in that position now, but still don't have one!
I'd make sure my social calendar was full - it is now, but it wasn't years ago - work commitments always came first and were exhausting, so social engagements were irregular
I'd finish your studies or you might regret it - but don't fill the time you gain by anything other than 'me and family time'. You don't get that time back.

Not sure that's useful or not - as I never followed my own advice 😂, but I can see I should have.

Cocomarine · 13/12/2021 23:27

I’m sorry this may sound trite - but it may not be about giving up anything, but mindset.
Yes, it’s exhausting right now - but you’ve nearly finished your Masters. I mean - bloody hell! Go you 👏🏻 That’s fabulous! That’s worth pushing through being so tired, as long as you’re not properly on the verge of collapse of course.
You have a very bright light at the end of the tunnel!
How long do you have to go?
Reminding yourself that this is temporary will help.

Letting go of the guilt about bedtimes is a mindset thing too, not about giving anything up. It’s less than half the week.

Maybe there are practical things you can reduce… but the most important would be getting your lazy arse husband to pull his weight! You won’t fix that overnight, so choose some jobs that are very black and white (e.g. he needs to do all cooking on xyz days) rather than vague “housework” and dig in hard, every time if he shirks them.

Do you meal plan? If so, be very repetitive. A 7 day plan same every week is great for removing thought!

Thisladyisforturning · 13/12/2021 23:32

I often feel this way too. Sometimes I get angry at the idea that we can 'have it all' as it feels like double standards with society judging women so differently to men in terms of the expectations of what this actually means. We're still expected to do the life admin and the majority of child/house care in addition to the career but it's the guilt that's a killer - not spending enough time with the kids, the house not being tidy enough, forgetting to have the items to take to school/birthday presents etc. It's even worse if we dare to have a hobby or attempt a social life. It will get easier as your children get older and you complete your studies and then you'll be proud of yourself for what you've achieved so don't give up! I do wonder sometimes whether I'll regret the path I've chosen but this is what has put a roof over our heads so not as though there was a huge choice. I don't have any tips except to admit some days are about surviving and prioritising resting over making sure I've achieved something or cleared the dishes before bed or stopped the kids watching too much tv. It makes for a grim morning but avoids the feeling of being a martyr when I'm tired. I have a partner who does a fair bit and I have had to accept this won't be the way I want things done but I literally can't do it all to the standard I want to be able to without burning myself out. And no, I don't iron! Take care op.

Thisladyisforturning · 13/12/2021 23:32

I often feel this way too. Sometimes I get angry at the idea that we can 'have it all' as it feels like double standards with society judging women so differently to men in terms of the expectations of what this actually means. We're still expected to do the life admin and the majority of child/house care in addition to the career but it's the guilt that's a killer - not spending enough time with the kids, the house not being tidy enough, forgetting to have the items to take to school/birthday presents etc. It's even worse if we dare to have a hobby or attempt a social life. It will get easier as your children get older and you complete your studies and then you'll be proud of yourself for what you've achieved so don't give up! I do wonder sometimes whether I'll regret the path I've chosen but this is what has put a roof over our heads so not as though there was a huge choice. I don't have any tips except to admit some days are about surviving and prioritising resting over making sure I've achieved something or cleared the dishes before bed or stopped the kids watching too much tv. It makes for a grim morning but avoids the feeling of being a martyr when I'm tired. I have a partner who does a fair bit and I have had to accept this won't be the way I want things done but I literally can't do it all to the standard I want to be able to without burning myself out. And no, I don't iron! Take care op.

Siameasy · 13/12/2021 23:34

I work shifts - I take it their dad is there when you’re not? They are safe, fed, watered and loved and they will be fine. They won’t remember or know. My mum was a midwife and worked all sorts of hours I can’t even remember who did my bedtime.
I do the bare minimum at home although I’m v lucky to do 30hr pw it is midnight finishes so quite tiring. DD loves a fried egg sandwich or an omelette. I’m not so sure if she loves the same batch cooked meal three days on the trot but that’s what she gets

Helpstopthepain · 13/12/2021 23:39

You are amazing! I struggle without the msc!
Give yourself some credit, this isn’t forever.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/12/2021 23:40

Lower your expectations.

Don’t aim for perfection, aim for clean fed and bed.

You can’t do it all, it’s not actually possible and I would give yourself a day off in the week. Sleep, read, watch crap and recharge, and don’t feel guilty about saying no to others.

Animood · 13/12/2021 23:42

When does your MSc end OP?

If it's this June DONT give up. You're nearly there! Don't lose out on a valuable qualification because your partner is a lazy arse.

What would I do in your shoes? Honestly I'd consider separation.

If you do that you would have every other weekend off plus at least one day in the week. With that day you could work on your qualification, catch up with yourself, sleep and get ahead. Sounds like more help than you're getting now.

Either that or stay with a sexist prick who thinks he is a hero for cooking some food and doesn't support you with your career or parenting.

Tulips21 · 13/12/2021 23:45

I have been where you are!
I worked full time, was doing my degree, a placement , 2 kids and most of the mental load/life admin at home and for good measure I decided to do the London marathon - charity place , min raise was 3k🤦‍♀️.
That 2yrs was a blur. I can't remember it. I hated my degree by the end and cursed myself for doing it- but was so close to finish, I couldnt give up.
I also had a lazy Dp...! So I made lists for him to do- mostly housework. This helped a tiny bit but childcare and life admin was still on me.
My only advice would be make a house cleaning list- childcare list ect, give it fully to Dp.
Well done on the MSc, nearly there and soon it will be much easier.x

Sodullincomparison · 13/12/2021 23:47

Masters suck the life out of you towards the end but you will get there.

I gave up on the guilt, the ironing and the mental load a long time ago. Life still manages to happen and we all look clean and smart most of the time.

Autumnscene · 13/12/2021 23:57

i know someone who could give you tips. She works from 5am to 7pm every week day. Evenings are spent food shopping, bathing, putting washing on, dealing with household admin. weekends are spent cooking a mince sauce which is used for lasagne, bolognaise and chilli con carne for weekday meals. And also any extra ad hoc chores. hope this helps !