For those of you that have had therapy

bestdhever · 13/12/2021 20:10

I wouldn't say it's abnormal to be honest. It's intense enough at times and you are encouraged to look at thinks differently from they way you have been. It's not a bad thing...I suspect she has never focused on herself before. Most people do it naturally throughout the teenage years and early twenties (maybe she didn't get that opportunity depending on her issues. It's ok to become self involved @Helptonight she obviously needs to work through a lot of stuff! I would suggest giving her the space and time to do that in your company, she will thank you for it eventually.

Original poster

Helptonight · 13/12/2021 20:18

It's obviously a great thing talking to someone, taking active steps with mental health etc...I am open to the fact that maybe I am a bit jealous of their ability to just get it all out there?

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bestdhever · 13/12/2021 20:44

@Helptonight if there is one thing I ha e learnt as an adult it is that we could ALL do with a course of therapy. It is such a great way to sift out our thoughts and issues (whatever they may be- and we all have them!!) and to do it in a safe, non judgemental space is worth every penny. Give it a try, you might surprise yourself

RaPumPumPumPum · 13/12/2021 20:52

This sounds very much like when my mum got therapy. She has MASSIVELY fucked up in her life, especially with her kids and her own parents, and isn’t tremendously good at taking responsibility for it. I’m talking ignoring abuse, screwing her parents over financially etc.

Turns out when she went to her therapist she told mum that she was the victim of everything, that she was too nice and selfless and had to stop letting people take advantage of her and everything was everybody else’s fault.

I don’t think she had a particularly incompetent therapist, I think she just told fairy stories to her and the therapist worked with what she had.

Original poster

Helptonight · 13/12/2021 21:02

@bestdhever you are right and like i said in regards to the trauma they seem to be coming on immensely but it's weirdly the mundane aspects of life that is winding me up. Everyone seems to be out to get them and even family stuff I would consider normal is being characterised as way over the top. Also the loss of empathy is really hard to hear

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Original poster

Helptonight · 13/12/2021 21:03

@RaPumPumPumPum this is what I am afraid of

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esloquehay · 13/12/2021 21:04

Group therapy made me LESS self-obsessed. Individual therapy taught me to love myself a little more, which helped me value others more and, thus, less solipsistic.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/12/2021 21:06

Give them some time. They are presumably processing trauma.

PermanentTemporary · 13/12/2021 21:06

I got some immense benefit from having therapy but there's no doubt that the therapist could only work with my side of the story. As a result there were a few odd moments.

There might be a rebalancing to come. It's immensely liberating the first time you understand that the way you've seen something all your life isn't necessarily the only way to see it.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 13/12/2021 21:14

It's pretty usual tbh. You're encouraged to look at yourself, really look. And sometimes it's true, people are walking all over you and using you and that realisation comes with a lot of anger.

Therapy takes a lot out of you. You don't have the emotional energy for other people and their shit. I think the name is compassion fatigue. You have to learn to put yourself first when you may have spent all your life being secondary to others. Being a people pleaser.

It's a necessary stage of healing, albeit a rather trying one for close friends and family.

girafferafferaffe · 13/12/2021 21:25

I am way less involved with myself after therapy. My issue was I was constantly in my own head telling myself how shit and stupid I was. It was excruciating to live like this. Now I am allowed to be outside of my head and not think about what people are thinking of me. I don't spend hours thinking about what things I did wrong, what's wrong with me, why everyone hates me.

MissMinutes24 · 13/12/2021 21:52

This happened to my friend. The therapist told her she was being mistreated/taken advantage of by her parents and sister (which was true) but my friend ended up applying this to everyone including her friends. Our friendship fizzled out a few years later.

I'm in therapy atm and my therapist is also helping me put up boundaries especially around my time. I don't think I'm talking about myself more to people (I hope not) but I am being more assertive about protecting my time and energy.

Hellocatshome · 13/12/2021 21:59

Yes I had an ex who saw a therapist for his anger issues, after therapy he was just as angry but apparently it was everybody else's fault and he was a victim

Original poster

Helptonight · 13/12/2021 22:08

Thank you all for the insight and perspectives, hugely helpful. I am venting as I don't want to project what I think on top of what the therapist is saying. She does sound good and came recommended so hopefully all just part of the processing

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Justsotirednow · 13/12/2021 22:22

OP, can you take an honest look at yourself and how have you treated him/her in past?

I mean, unless you are on a daily contact with them this really shoudn’t bother you as much as it cleary does, if you’ve treated them well.

You are oddly upset at the fact that they don’t want to be used anymore.
It’s clear that they feel they have been mistreated.
Shoudn’t you be happy for them?

Original poster

Helptonight · 13/12/2021 22:34

@Justsotirednow yes it is daily, we are incredibly close. I am the sounding board for each interaction this person has i.e. If someone has pissed them off it's me they vent to. It works both ways to be honest but seems so very much more since they have been seeing the therapist that almost every interaction they have with anyone they are v angry and convinced the person is 'taking the piss' or 'advantage' of them. I am genuinely concerned that they are now alienating themselves

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Original poster

Helptonight · 13/12/2021 22:35

@Justsotirednow yes it is daily, we are incredibly close. I am the sounding board for each interaction this person has i.e. If someone has pissed them off it's me they vent to. It works both ways to be honest but seems so very much more since they have been seeing the therapist that almost every interaction they have with anyone they are v angry and convinced the person is 'taking the piss' or 'advantage' of them. I am genuinely concerned that they are now alienating themselves

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phoebethegb · 13/12/2021 23:01

@Helptonight

Is it normal to become hyper focused on yourself? A relative of mine has been seeing a psychotherapist for a while and it's almost like they have become obsessed with themselves, their issues and how apparently everyone is taking advantage of them. Seem to have lost any empathy for anyone else and what they may be going through simultaneously. It is helping with past trauma but hoping this is only part of the process? Maybe I am not being very understanding? Just finding it hard not to say ffs its not all about you? It could be me

IME it's really common for people who been people-pleasers all their lives to seek therapy as the burden of this people pleasing finally wears them down.

Then the people around the people pleaser react with suspicion/aggression/shaming because they really dislike the fact that the people pleaser has stepped away from their expected role and is now able to take care of themselves and prioritise their own wellbeing instead of throwing themselves under the bus for others.

Why do you ask, OP?

Novasmummy · 13/12/2021 23:09

I think some people with personality disorders can use therapy in a way which does not help them, but instead use it as a way to support the idea that they are the centre of the universe and in the right, and that everyone else is the problem.

That said I also think some people who have been burdened by being caretakers all their lives can greatly benefit from taking care of their own inner selves and healing through therapy.

I really believe the right therapy (and right therapist) can be transformative for many people and is an absolutely vital part of mental health, addiction or trauma recovery for so many people. I think I owe my life to one of my therapists (not even being dramatic there!) so I am far from anti therapy.

But I have seen abusive individuals use it negatively against there victims and I do think for some people, like those with NPD, they end up with the perfect 'yes man' when sometimes what they really need is a reality check

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/12/2021 07:52

If they are processing trauma I’d expect there to be anger, which can be displaced as anger towards the world rather than directed towards the traumatic incident. In the same way anger is part of the grieving process in bereavement, it’s part of the process in dealing with trauma. It’s very hard for people around them but should pass in time as they deal with the emotional aspect of how the trauma impacted them.

It may be worth suggesting they take the interactions that are pissing them off to therapy too - the therapist will be able to help them find a more measured response and identify their reactions as being part of the therapy.

Or it may be that they are trying to correct the pendulum swing of not holding their own boundaries and have swung too far in the opposite direction, which should settle down as they get further through the process.

Original poster

Helptonight · 14/12/2021 09:08

@Jellycatspyjamas that sounds on the money. This person has always been glass half full, independent soul and the change has been really marked and upsetting. I agree they need time of course just wanted to find out others experiences so I can measure my responses and be as understanding as possible. Thank you for the insight

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Jellycatspyjamas · 14/12/2021 12:01

It’s very difficult to watch someone go through trauma therapy, their responses can be quite challenging because the therapy revisits the trauma so you see some of the emotions they didn’t process at the time. You sound like a lovely, supportive presence but it can take it’s toll on you too - lots of self care and if you’re finding they’re responses too extreme it’s ok to take time out. You don’t need to challenge or try to change their view (hard when you think they’re being unfair), they’ll get there under their own steam, but it’s ok to change the topic of conversation or point them back to their therapist to give you some headspace.

Biffatcrafts · 14/12/2021 12:17

I had therapy, and one of my big issues was I had always felt I had not been heard, or had my feelings acknowledged (all rooted in a very significant trauma). I always put myself last, and others first, but to such an extent that I was damaging myself. When I finally got to the stage in therapy that I could accept this was my own fault for not speaking up enough in the past I did, for a while at least, go completely the other way and I know I was very overbearing for a while and really strident about my own needs and voice almost to the complete exclusion of anyone else's problems or point of view. Eventually with the therapist's help, I found the right balance, but sometimes it takes time. I agree with a suggestion made by a PP, get your relative to talk over her responses and need to vent in such an emphatic manner with her therapist, so she can find her balance too. You sound like a really caring and supportive person OP, but remember you are allowed to take a step back if things get too much for you too. I am sure you can step forward again when the time is right for you. Good luck to you and your relative

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 14/12/2021 12:28

I think ultimately how we experience life is all about us. We're social animals and need to work and live collectively but the first step to being free and also taking responsibility and making a change in your life is understanding and owning how your experience of the world is all about you, through your senses and your ways of seeing the world, and from your experiences and upbringing.

Then paradoxically you understand that your opinion/perspective isn't the holy truth and also that you're in control of your life and how you respond to external stimuli. And how similar you are to people around you.

When I did therapy I went through phases of feeling distant and feeling hard done by by certain people. But they were just processing of things that I hadn't been able to process before. You come through the other side and you've dealt with all that. Does sound hard and some therapists aren't actually great. But I think this may just be something she needs to get out of her system. Give her time.

I guess also you may not know the full story about things and her relationships and experiences. Might be worth opening yourself up to the idea that some degree of what she feels may actually be correct, crazy as it sounds.

Maybe get therapy yourself! Best and most transformative thing I've ever done.