Going low contact

NameChangeCity123 · 2021-12-13T15:51:23+00:00

Can I please ask for some Tips on how to go low Contact discreetly? Need to get some distance from this person for my own sanity but can't go fully non contact and don't want it to be a big falling out, just a less intense relationship. Thanks

LittleOwl153 · 13/12/2021 18:14

Stop responding to message, only respond occasionally with a kind of grey rock response. Stretch out how often you see them...

GiveYourHeadAWobble · 13/12/2021 18:25

If they are really toxic then they will make a huge deal of it, try and create a lot of chaos, then do a smear campaign on you if you go LC with them anyway.

I speak from experience, unfortunately.

If you think there’s a risk of this then you might need to actually lie about why you can’t see them much. But again, it depends how toxic they are. If they’re not too bad then a gradual disappearing act might work.

Merryoldgoat · 13/12/2021 19:09

IME LC doesn’t really work. The toxic party just pushes for more and won’t accept the new relationship parameters.

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 13/12/2021 19:14

@GiveYourHeadAWobble

If they are really toxic then they will make a huge deal of it, try and create a lot of chaos, then do a smear campaign on you if you go LC with them anyway.

I speak from experience, unfortunately.

If you think there’s a risk of this then you might need to actually lie about why you can’t see them much. But again, it depends how toxic they are. If they’re not too bad then a gradual disappearing act might work.

I think this would def be the case so might have to stick with excuses for now. Would love to be in the 'no is a full sentence' brigade but it def wouldn't work here

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 13/12/2021 19:14

@LittleOwl153

Stop responding to message, only respond occasionally with a kind of grey rock response. Stretch out how often you see them...

Will continue to do this thanks

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 13/12/2021 19:15

@Merryoldgoat

IME LC doesn’t really work. The toxic party just pushes for more and won’t accept the new relationship parameters.

Oh dear

I really hope this won't be the case. I don't want a big dramatic falling out but can't continue with them being in my life so much either

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KatyRebecca84 · 13/12/2021 19:17

Have The same issue!

A couple of years ago we gradually drifted as I ignored texts and just distanced myself. We bumped into each other and I ended up saying sorry and we are friends again but it’s back to toxic constant moaning and negativity and I need to do it again… in a better way!! I am not here for someone to moan to 24/7!

pcofmushu · 13/12/2021 19:18

I attempted LC with a really toxic friend a few months ago, it only made them more pushy and full on etc so ended up having to go NC. I just stopped responding to their texts and calls. It was difficult in the beginning but in truth I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders now

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 13/12/2021 21:54

@pcofmushu

I attempted LC with a really toxic friend a few months ago, it only made them more pushy and full on etc so ended up having to go NC. I just stopped responding to their texts and calls. It was difficult in the beginning but in truth I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders now

Sorry you had such a crappy time, glad it worked out on the end. Think I might have to go nc too

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 13/12/2021 21:55

@KatyRebecca84

Have The same issue!

A couple of years ago we gradually drifted as I ignored texts and just distanced myself. We bumped into each other and I ended up saying sorry and we are friends again but it’s back to toxic constant moaning and negativity and I need to do it again… in a better way!! I am not here for someone to moan to 24/7!

This is part of the issue for me too. I find it so draining and it's always trivial stuff. I meet them feeling good and come away feeling depressed. I really feel time is precious and I don't want to spend it on people that make me feel worse for it anymore

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Pegasussnail · 13/12/2021 21:58

I had a 'friend' who spent more time criticising me than being a friend. I tried to gently pull back (she wasn't an awful person but was unhappy and bitter with her lot)

The more I pulled away the more needy she came. At one point she left letters through my door and parked outside my house. Then rang my parents twice to ask what was wrong with me. My mother thrives on drama and criticising me too. So I had to go no contact (had great support and advice on here)

Good luck op

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 13/12/2021 21:59

Surely Covid is your excuse here? Be less available as you feel safer at home...
If your phone gives 'status' switch that off and they can't check if you are online or not.
Start replying say just after dc are in bed....

UpintNorth · 13/12/2021 22:06

I’ve done this by stretching out responses, but not before trying to give the other party the opportunity to address their behaviour.

When my honest and straightforward requests for reasonable behaviour weren’t met, I went grey wall.

I get occasional twinges of regret but only over a relationship that doesn’t exist. It’s a relationship I wanted to improve but it has to be two sided.

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 14/12/2021 11:40

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Surely Covid is your excuse here? Be less available as you feel safer at home... If your phone gives 'status' switch that off and they can't check if you are online or not. Start replying say just after dc are in bed....

That's a very handy excuse..... thank you!

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 14/12/2021 11:41

@LittleOwl153

Stop responding to message, only respond occasionally with a kind of grey rock response. Stretch out how often you see them...

I've been getting shorter and more vague with replies and taking longer than normal to get back to them. Have turned off status notifications so they can't see when I'm on WhatsApp etc ridiculous you have to do these things eh?

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Walktwomoons · 14/12/2021 12:02

Something I am genuinely doing is trying to limit my phone time using the book 'break up with your phone', but it strikes me that this is a good reason not to be 'on demand' with your responses. You could send her a link to the book and tell her you're doing that as an excuse. Then whenever she complains you can act like you're really evangelical about limiting phone use! I

lockdownalli · 14/12/2021 12:16

When I tried to implement boundaries and be LC with my horribly toxic family member, they became so frustrated and angry that they went NC with me!!

Best day of my life!!

You may find that if they cannot get what they want from you (an ear to listen to their moaning/a target for their emotional abuse) you will cease to be of use to them and they will eventually fuck off...

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 16/12/2021 13:34

@lockdownalli

When I tried to implement boundaries and be LC with my horribly toxic family member, they became so frustrated and angry that they went NC with me!!

Best day of my life!!

You may find that if they cannot get what they want from you (an ear to listen to their moaning/a target for their emotional abuse) you will cease to be of use to them and they will eventually fuck off...

Here's hoping!! Glad it worked for you

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 16/12/2021 13:35

@Walktwomoons

Something I am genuinely doing is trying to limit my phone time using the book 'break up with your phone', but it strikes me that this is a good reason not to be 'on demand' with your responses. You could send her a link to the book and tell her you're doing that as an excuse. Then whenever she complains you can act like you're really evangelical about limiting phone use! I

Ooh you are a genius love this

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