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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To come home early

21 replies

Rosebel · 12/12/2021 23:23

Probably more of a Christmas thread so sorry if this is the wrong place but wanted some quick honest answers.
Christmas day we're seeing my parents, staying 2 nights so will be coming home 27th in the evening. However I want to come home in the morning but no one else does.
27th is when the whole family come to my parents. It's lovely to see them all and be together but they all have good jobs and I don't. As a result I'm pretty much ignored during any work related conversations. No one ever asks me anything and if I give an opinion it's ignored. Even harder this year as I narrowly missed out on my dream job and its a professional role too.
Also my brothers friend sometimes comes over and he tried to rape me several years ago which was partly my fault but the sick fear of him still returns every year, even if he doesn't show up.
My children and husband like the big get together on the 27th though. It's DD2s favourite thing about Christmas. I know my parents will also be disappointed if we leave early.
I know I'm being selfish by wanting to leave early but what would you do.
YABU stay for the day
YANBU leave early.

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 13/12/2021 00:55

Errr, you put the attempted rape below being left out of the chat?? Tell your brother not to bring his scummy friend to sort the most important issue out. After that, I’d suck up a bit of chat about other people’s jobs if my family loved the event.

Bubblecap · 13/12/2021 02:39

Have you ever told anyone that this low life friend of your brothers attempted to rape you?

I can see why you don’t want to attend for that reason alone. The conversation thing is very secondary, plus can you not turn the discussion around to non work related subjects.

immersivereader · 13/12/2021 02:40

What?!?

Obviously leave early

steff13 · 13/12/2021 02:57

Does your brother know what his friend did? My brother would have killed that guy, he would not be inviting him around for Christmas.

I wouldn't leave early because of the work thing, but I would if your brother's friend was going to be there.

JabNotInArm · 13/12/2021 03:13

OP, YANBU - he tried to rape you. Leave early

Capricopia · 13/12/2021 04:02

It is not in any way your fault that your brother’s friend tried to rape you. Does your brother know about that? If so, he is unbelievably toxic for still seeing his friend.

YANBU at all - it’s absolutely fine for you to look after yourself, you don’t have to put yourself through the ordeal of potentially seeing someone who tried to rape you to make your family happy.

Thomasina79 · 13/12/2021 04:34

Definitely tell your brother about the attempted rape, that sounds horrendous, you poor thing.

As for being left out of conversations that would make me feel awful, it’s so rude. I think I would leave around midday, or late morning saying I wanted to get home before it gets dark.

Anycrispsleft · 13/12/2021 04:42

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers

I think people often do that - I know I do - you sort of tack on the really difficult stuff right at the end of a conversation and it sounds like an afterthought but it's not, it's just hard to talk about.

Monty27 · 13/12/2021 04:46

How was it any of your fault that your DBs friend tried to rape you?
You seem to be harbouring a lot of stuff OP.
It's everybody's Christmas sort out the negativity.
Come clean to dB for starters.

Original poster

Rosebel · 13/12/2021 06:42

No one knows what happened as my brother would go n/c with his friend of nearly 40 years and I'd feel awful for ruining their friendship.
It's an incredibly hard thing to say and it was several years ago so I should be over it. I think it's just triggering because it happened on Christmas eve. His friend always tries to be nice to me and I've been accused of causing an atmosphere because I just can't bring myself to be nice back.
I'm also constantly checking on my teenage girls as I always worry incase he hasn't changed.
If it wasn't for the kids enjoying the day so much I wouldn't even consider staying for the day. If my husband knew what had happened he'd support me in leaving early but no one knows and how can I say something with 2 weeks to go?

OP posts:

cookiemonster2468 · 13/12/2021 06:55

Have you spoken to anyone about what happened - I mean even a counsellor/ therapist if not your actual family?

It's absolutely OK to not be over it or to not be able to be nice to him after what happened. Don't beat yourself up about that.

You don't have to tell anyone what happened but you can make it perfectly clear that you do not like him and will not be around him. You really don't have to give a solid reason, just say you will be giving it a miss if he is invited. If he's not invited you will go.

It then throws the ball back into your family's court, if they think you are unreasonable then fine. You know that you aren't. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and assert your own needs.

cookiemonster2468 · 13/12/2021 06:56

Also have you at least told your husband what happened? I feel like you could share with him and hopefully he will take your side and back you up at least.

ChubbyMorticia · 13/12/2021 06:56

The ONLY person responsible for your attempted rape is the person who attempted to rape you.

Period.

Kbyodjs · 13/12/2021 07:02

I don’t want to tell you to do something you’re not comfortable with but I’d think about telling your husband about the friend, especially as you have teenage girls.
I think in terms of the way in which your family make you feel is very tricky; I would probably just put up with that part but no way being around that friend

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 13/12/2021 07:03

No one knows what happened as my brother would go n/c with his friend of nearly 40 years and I'd feel awful for ruining their friendship. why should you feel awful. It's the friend who has ruined the friendship. He might be mortified to realise he's been carrying on like normal with him

pilates · 13/12/2021 07:06

I think you need to tell your husband.

SpamIAm · 13/12/2021 07:16

Three key points:

Regardless of the circumstances, you bear no responsibility for him attempting to rape you. The only person responsible for his actions is him.
If your brother ended the friendship, that would not be your fault. It would be his friend's fault (also I can't see how this would be a bad thing, I'm sure your brother wouldn't feel like he was missing out no longer socialising with a man who tried to rape his sister).
You do not have to be over it, now or any time in the future.

You do not need to put yourself in a situation that you're (understandably) uncomfortable with. Of course you don't want to be around this awful man, and it must be even harder when the rest of your family are so friendly with him. You don't need to tell anyone what happened if you don't want to, but it's absolutely okay to do what's best for you OP, even if your family think you're being unreasonable because they don't know the reasons. As a PP said, you know you're not being unreasonable so hold on to that.

I would also say, though, that you don't need to carry this alone. I would really seriously consider telling your DH what happened so that he can support you.

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2021 07:21

Please tell everyone about your brother’s disgusting friend. It is not your fault he tried it! You need to protect your children by keeping him away from that disgusting man.

Piggy42 · 13/12/2021 07:25

I would tell your brother. It must be awful to have to see his friend. It’s his fault not yours.

Original poster

Rosebel · 13/12/2021 13:58

Thanks for the replies. I've kept it secret for so long now that I don't even know how to bring it up. It is like a knife in my heart when I see my family especially my children laughing with him but it's me who looks like the miserable cow.
I'm going to see if he's coming this year and make a decision based on that.

OP posts:

ChangeChingyChange · 13/12/2021 14:02

Omg OP why didn't you tell anyone? Why do you think it's partly your fault?!unless you jumped on his lap and started to put his penis inside you why would it be at all anything to do with your fault?! Start talking about it - firstly with your husband then your brother. All the other stuff is insignificant but this secret of yours needs to be aired out.

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