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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go?

18 replies

Baubletree · 12/12/2021 22:54

(Name changed)

Background- I suffer with social anxiety and have done my whole life. I have been on medication for anxiety and depression and whilst it helped with the depression, never made much difference on the social anxiety so I just live with it, yes it does impact my life. No one else knows, they really won't understand.

My aibu is, today I have been invited to my Db's 50th. A weekend away. This weekend so 5 days notice. 2 others from my family are going, then 5 others I barely know from his other family. I can't rationalise my feelings but I just can't go, it's the last minuteness of it, the people I bearly know, the few days between now and then will be constant worry, imagining conversations and different scenarios, it will be all consuming. It's mentally exhausting. Writing it down, I see how some will eye roll, a weekend away celebrating what's not to like, it's irrational I know. It doesn't help I'm also unprepared for Christmas so still have stuff to sort.

But it's his 50th. We are not close. He has been there for me at very tough times without question and supportive and has been my best friend, but then he has also been cruel, manipulative, and mean. An extreme love hate relationship always.

I said I don't think I can go and now Im being made to feel like I've ruined it as others won't want to go now. Have I? Being guilt tripped is making me want to go even less! Now I just feel depressed and as usual, I'm overthinking everything. I'll be seeing him at Christmas so that will also be tainted now, how will I deal with that? As usual I'll suck up the comments and not retaliate and just end up feeling bitter.

Yabu- you should go, it's a milestone birthday and he's your brother who has been there for you, one weekend won't be so bad

Yanbu- it's fine not to go, mental health is important too, and he often makes you feel bad.

I'd like to know if iabu before I next see him. I'm giving into the social anxiety but that's just who I am

OP posts:

Looubylou · 12/12/2021 23:16

Just explain your reasons. Don't be guilt tripped. I would suggest getting support for your anxiety though. You are missing out.

2021s · 12/12/2021 23:18

You are not obligated to spend time with toxic people just because they are family. Just say you can’t, no need to explain.

littlebilliie · 12/12/2021 23:20

I would go, 50 is a milestone and you will regret not going

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2021 23:20

If they really wanted you there they should have invited you more than five bloody days before the event. Your life doesn't revolve around their shit planning.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 12/12/2021 23:22

Can you just say in a few days, that you've had a positive LFT and will need to go for a PCR and wait for the results?

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 12/12/2021 23:23

I would be concerned about catching covid to be honest, going to an event with people you don't know.

HeddaGarbled · 12/12/2021 23:27

I think it would be fine not to go for a multiple of reasons e.g. short notice, lots to do before Christmas, rising COVID cases, without needing to try to explain your social anxiety or his history of unpleasant behaviour.

Once you’ve stated your reasons, don’t engage in further discussion: “I’m sorry but I can’t come; I’m sorry but I can’t do that; I’m sorry, that’s not possible; I’m sorry, that won’t work for me” etc, etc.

cherrypiepie · 12/12/2021 23:43

I do not have social anxiety but no way could I go for a weekend away with 5 days notice. I think it's quite Ill manners to expect people to be able to attend at short notice, let Solon if costa are incurred.

I don't even have any plans but no I would have a few prior engagements no one needs to know that busy mean xmas shopping/going to aldi and going a mountain of ironing.

I might if I was feeling agreeable go for an afternoon o evening if it was 'not too far'. Or I'd send a ballon or bottle of champagne if I was feeling spendy.

thatsallineed · 12/12/2021 23:51

now Im being made to feel like I've ruined it as others won't want to go now

Nice spot of blackmail there.

Who are these other people, and why won't they want to go if you're not going?

alienbaby · 12/12/2021 23:55

I actually do believe that sometimes in life it is worth putting yourself through some discomfort if it means doing right by someone.

It's his 50th, he has supported you in hard times, he wants you there. I'd go.

Whitefire · 13/12/2021 00:00

All your anxiety aside, I wouldn't go in the current climate. I have been very pragmatic about the whole covid thing but I wouldn't be going on whole weekends away in the current situation.

RandomMess · 13/12/2021 00:03

If you can get there and back easily under your own steam I would go but tell him you may have to leave early.

5foot5 · 13/12/2021 00:05

I do not have social anxiety but no way could I go for a weekend away with 5 days notice. I think it's quite Ill manners to expect people to be able to attend at short notice

This. Absolutely this. 5 days notice for a weekend event at this time of year? How very silly. You should have no qualms about telling them you simply can't make it.

Honestly if he really wanted to do a proper 50th a week before Christmas he should have organised it and issued invitations ages ago. He probably knows that really and is just lashing out because he knows he has screwed up

greenlynx · 13/12/2021 00:20

No way I would be able to do a weekend away at 5 day notice. Tbh I have no space for a dinner out next weekend and I don’t count myself as a very busy person.
Also I think it’s appropriate to say “no” to any parties/gatherings in the current situation because of Covid.
The problem is that you’ve said something already so any new info should take your previous answer into account. I suspect you can’t use positive test argument because he knows that you don’t want to come and won’t believe you.

Original poster

Baubletree · 13/12/2021 00:23

I really appreciate all your replies helping me think this through.

@thatsallineed dB has messaged my parents he's not sure about it now. I think it's because if I don't go my DC (the only children going) won't go, less people, dynamic changing maybe. Maybe he's having second thoughts but not my parents are questioning me.

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen everyone is vaccinated....apart from my dB!!! I won't use that as an excuse but I do not want him to get ill.

@alienbaby you are right. I know that. And if I went, I'm sure it would be fine. I cant get past my irrational anxiety. I think it's that last minute plans that have thrown me into a spiral. I feel so bad that I cannot do this one thing for him.

If I don't go I will feel bad. Absolutely. My DC misses out -they don't often to be fair, I push myself for them many times but suffering anxiety symptoms as a result. Sending a balloon/bottle is a nice idea, thank you, I obviously have gifts too I'm not completely snubbing him, just this social situation. And our love/hate relationship is not helping.

I have twice put myself out there to try and get help for anxiety but it didn't work. I can't again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Baubletree · 13/12/2021 00:29

@5foot5 that is absolutely it yes. And made me give an answer on the spot...otherwise I would have gone down the left/PCR suggestion by pp.

OP posts:

CorsicaDreaming · 13/12/2021 00:33

Nope I wouldn't go.

Utterly ridiculous to give such short notice at this time of year- and with all the latest Covid stuff, most people are postponing plans not just suddenly making them. Weird.

Can't help feeling he must know about your anxiety and so the impact it has for you...

Either he's done this as he (wrongly) thinks it's better for you and you're more likely to go if he doesn't give you too much time to worry about it in advance.

He's being an arse and knows it will really freak you out and he gets some perverse power play kick out of it.

Or maybe that view just says more about me and my deep cynicism?!

Original poster

Baubletree · 13/12/2021 01:14

You might be right. The way he asked, part of me was thinking he's not keen for me to go or knows I won't. And then a thought crossed my mind, it's late planning and by me not going throws a spanner in the works and it'll be my fault.

It's going to be a long week, would've been asleep ages ago if he hadn't called earlier

OP posts:

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