Mum being so unreasonable since dad passed earlier this year

[Snowie77]

Hello,

This is the first time I have posted really need some advice please?

My dad passed away in February very traumatic and upsetting and not coping too well. During this time and well before my mum had become very resentful of the life she had and blamed my dad for a lot of things in her lifetime.
When my dad was in hospital my mum only went to see him once. What was so heartbreaking was our dad kept asking for my mum then didn’t mention her and said she doesn’t want me home does she? My mum also said that she didn’t want to care for him when he come home, we had to stay each night with my mum as doesn’t like to be on her own in which she doesn’t sleep as well as taking turns with our dad as so poorly and I have a family and work full time also which destroyed me.
My mums health has declined in which she is smoking excessively which is really not helping.
I have two sisters in which one is very un kind and and creates problems she is very like our mum both very two faced and always running us down.
I am lost without my dad but my mum is so nasty and bullying making me feel as though I should give up my life and family to go and live with her (her exact words) just wondering if anyone has any advice? Also my mum doesn’t seem to grieve or even mention our dad in fact she said I bet you all won’t be as upset when I go 🥺
Many thanks

Oh OP I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your dad and that your mum's attitude has exacerbated your grief. That must be so painful.

Please stop going to stay with your mum. It's so bad for you.

Given your mother's and your sister's attitudes and behaviour, you would be wise to minimise contact.

Being your mother does not make it OK for her to continually torture you like this.

But you are vulnerable both because of the way you have been raised and also because you are dealing with grief.

Can you access any grief counselling? Do you have a supportive partner or good friends?

Your mum doesn't have to share your grief but she should definitely respect it. It is horribly unkind of her to be so insensitive, cruel actually.

I am so sorry that you lost your dad. My advice would be to prioritize your and your family's health and happiness over your mothers. Of course you cant go and live with her.

You've got a few things going on. The shock of your dad dying, your Mum's dissociating and getting resentful and now her expectations.
You've got To be honest that you can't do what she expects, decide what you can do and stand firm.
How old is she?

No contact.

Now.

Start helping yourself with the sadness and loss you've suffered.
Leave the situation with your DM she is not your responsibility she has to deal with her own grief.

Just minimise contact starting now

Become more unavailable, focus on yourself and your family

Your mum sounds like she’s very depressed and would probably benefit from talking to her doctor, and maybe having some counselling.

We have no idea what her marriage was like before her husband died, it’s not fair to judge her harshly when she’s clearly not coping. You need to look after yourself first though, and of course, you shouldn’t give up your life to go and live with her.

Op really sorry to hear that. We went through similar. She became very demanding we all had young families. I took a step back. Everyone is grieving not just them.

Sounds like you need a break from your mum just to relax. I’m sorry about your dad.

I’m so sorry you lost your dad.
Your mum’s behaviour could be a lot of things: it masks the grief she really feels but is too scared to confront. Or their marriage wasn’t great so she is not struck down emotionally by the loss of her husband. Or she is the type of person who makes everything about her ( my mother had a First in this)
You’re not a psychologist and I think you’ve done everything you can. With your own family, a job and grieving for your dad you cannot really take on her problems.
Perhaps set up a schedule of visiting once a week/fortnight/month, choose depending on time you have available, distance involved etc…

I'm sorry for your loss and the stress of his illness.
You don't deserve to be abused by anyone, even your mother. Her misery doesn't entitle her to take over your life.

We lost my Dad last year. He’d been I’ll for a few years and mum had become his full time carer until he went into a nursing home a few months before he died. Once he was in the home she kind of dissociated from the situation and towards the very end which was during lockdown and with covid running like wildfire round his home, she sort of stopped even trying to call or find out what was happening. I had to do it all.

She didn’t really grieve openly at all and now doesn’t talk about him very much. It’s very painful for me but I think she lost him very slowly over a long time and then just lost her ability to have emotional responses to it all.

Your situation sounds worse but I do empathise and very much agree you should distance yourself from all this unpleasantness and remember your relationship with your dad. That’s what is important now.

So sorry OP but your mother sounds like a nasty piece of work (mine is too)

I would drastically limit contact with her. This isn't a dress rehearsal, and it seems like your kindness is wasted on her.

I'm really sorry your DF died OP.

I think you need to step back from your DM. She sounds demanding and unpleasant, and unless these are new traits, she doesn't deserve the care you are giving.

Check in on her regularly, but as soon as she starts being obnoxious or saying you won't grieve for her just say it's time for you to be going and you will see her next week.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I'm really sorry your DF died OP.

I think you need to step back from your DM. She sounds demanding and unpleasant, and unless these are new traits, she doesn't deserve the care you are giving.

Check in on her regularly, but as soon as she starts being obnoxious or saying you won't grieve for her just say it's time for you to be going and you will see her next week.

This is very good advice.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Grief affects people differently and some people find bereavement counseling helps. Your mother's bereavement response will as others said be affected by the nature of the relationship before your father died and her own underlying personality and I wouldn't rush to judgement on that.

However her expectations of you and how much you can support her both now and in the future will need to be managed. If she seriously expects you to give up your family life to live with her, unless that's what you actually want to do, that is ridiculous. If she needs more help at home to manage on her own then private cleaners, housekeepers, meals on wheels etc are available, or social services if she needs a care package. Maybe the house is too much for her and she needs to downsize or move to sheltered accomodation. There are lots of options that don't involve you moving in with her and you may need to be quite frank about that. You might need to be less immediately available when she calls and respond in your own time and pull back a little, depending on how frequent contact is. If she has unaddressed health problems or may be depressed or starting to develop dementia then the GP would be the starting point for getting some help around those issues.

Wow, she sounds horrible. I would be going very low contact with her tbh.

Your mum is likely grieving, in her own way. But that doesn't give her (or your sister) any right to ride roughshod over you.

You need to take a step back. A big step back.
Can you get yourself some counselling?

What is the plan for Christmas? Given you have a family who haven't seen much if you recently with all this merry dance at your mother's, perhaps you can say you will not be visiting at all between the 23rd and the 27th and having a family Christmas. (your sister/other family will have to sort her out - but it is not your responsibility to organise - just rule yourself out) And the switch off your phones and ignore. I think a break like that will give you the space to see where you are at and where you want to go.

@LethargicActress

Your mum sounds like she’s very depressed and would probably benefit from talking to her doctor, and maybe having some counselling.

We have no idea what her marriage was like before her husband died, it’s not fair to judge her harshly when she’s clearly not coping. You need to look after yourself first though, and of course, you shouldn’t give up your life to go and live with her.

This. Unless you know what exactly went on in their marriage please try not to judge her harshly. I hope you find the answers you need but please look after your own well-being first and foremost

You need to withdraw from your mum. I can’t believe she didn’t visit your dad in hospital. We all have our ways of coping, but that’s awful. Do not give up your life/freedom for her.

My DSD was similar when my mum died. I think it really does not occur that you are also grieving. Do not live with her and take a break from looking after her. She may benefit from counselling if she would - that has been a lifesaver for my DSD. Whatever the reason, you do not have to put up with bad behaviour and you have every right to take a step back when she is being nasty. Take care of yourself and do look after yourself please!

When my grandfather died - which would have been in the mid 60s - my grandmother asked exactly the same of my 3 uncles still living at home...and they did.

My grandmother died in 1996, and the last of the 3 uncles died in 2018. None of them ever left home, married or had children of their own.

My grandmother was a very selfish woman and a emotional terrorist. My 3 uncles never had independent lives of their own, they were all in the mid to late 50s when my grandmother died. They were all so dysfunctional that when 2 of them had a minor argument in 1984, they stopped talking to each other....and never spoke to each other again.

Don't sacrifice your life for anyone.

Don't feel any guilt for not visiting, don't feel any obligation to look after her. Inform her you will be visiting twice a month(or whatever frequency fits you) and that's it. If she starts (and she will!) telling you about your obligation tell her you see the situation differently won't be doing anything else. It is also OK to tell her you need some space to grieve for your father

Just stop - put yourself your own family first.
She’s bullying you and you let her - she really does not control you so stop acting like she does.
This situation has gone on long enough - it works well for her. I wish you well as you develop a tougher skin.