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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive ex

15 replies

Cloakedmerry · 12/12/2021 00:30

Don’t want to be outed so have changed some details and not going to be very specific, I had a very abusive relationship when I was younger and my now partner knows about the abuse. Never told him his name or anything just that he was awful and left some emotional issues that have lasted my life ever since. Skip to now (been with my dp 15 years) and he has started seeing a professional who turns out to be my abusivr ex. He even had the cheek to ask if he knew me ( don’t know how he knows what my partner looks like as never seen him since) so odviously he had looked on my sm. my sm is private btw so he must have done some serious snooping. This has freaked me out and I lied to my partner saying I didn’t know him. I don’t know what to do. I’m embarised I even had anything to do with him and now my partner is going to have regular contact with him ( again can’t say why as too outing) I don’t know what my partner would do if I told him, if he would hit him ( he did some awful things to me that my partner knows about and he would always say he felt like killing him for hurting me) or be disappointed I lied to him. He could change the professional and not see my ex which I think he would do but I don’t know how to start the conversation with him. It’s brough back a lot of anxiety and trauma my partner even mentioning his name to me asking if I knew him 😢. Advice please

OP posts:
HeyDugeesCakeBadge · 12/12/2021 01:10

OP I know this this will be hard but you must tell your DP, you must. Write him a letter, do it by text whatever you need to do. Your abusive ex will use this as a manipulation method and you cannot allow it to happen. Does anyone else know? can you confide in them and they talk to your partner if you are struggling? I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Merryoldgoat · 12/12/2021 01:13

You need to just tell him.

Blackisblackisblack · 12/12/2021 01:15

Hi, op.

I think you need to tell your partner. Otherwise, this ex will still have some holding power over you.

I've been there. It isn't easy, is it? But if your partner knows, he can change the professional, rather than your ex asking probing questions about you...and knowing it will probably get back to you.

You have a better chance of healing without your ex having anything to do with you or the people you associate with. Which, I think was a deliberate move, on your exes part.

Original poster
Cloakedmerry · 12/12/2021 01:23

I don’t know where to start now I’ve lied to him and said I didn’t know him. I don’t know how he’d react, I know he wouldn’t go mad he’s not like that he’s a loving kind man and has helped me heal over the years, i feel so bad I’ve lied about it but im just ashamed even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Im also worried it will cause something like my partner going to his session and hitting him. My partners a softy but he knows what he did to me and I really think he’d hit him just for having the nerve to ask about me too. I don’t want any stress but I know I’ll stress every time he sees him, I was just going to wait it out till next week and see if my partner tells him I didn’t now who he was and see what his reply was and if he didn’t say I was his ex that would be it and my partner wouldn’t know but I think it’s wrong of me to lie.

OP posts:
MoanyMo · 12/12/2021 01:58

I would tell him. If your waiting until your dp goes to his appointment - the response to your dp saying you don't know him - the ex may tell your dp - that will be so much worse.

You have been with this man for years, of course he will want to hurt him for what he has done to you. Tell him it'll only make things worse for you if he reacts violently.

DPotter · 12/12/2021 02:45

You really need to tell your DP.

Open the conversation by saying something like

"Look, when you asked if I knew your therapist, I panicked. I said I didn't know him, but I do, it's the man I told you about. I'm sorry I've misled you, but I was completely thrown by the name and that you were seeing him."

Your DP knows your history; he'll understand that you were put on the spot and acted in a defensive way. Certainly tell him before the next appointment so that he then doesn't feel embarrassed by saying you don't know the therapist, when you do.

I have to say that any therapist questioning a patient on whether their partner is known to them is odd - unless to say If your DP is so and so, I'm sorry I will need to refer you to a colleague as it would be inappropriate for me to provide therapy given our previous relationship.

tell your DP sooner rather than later

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 12/12/2021 02:53

If this man is a mental health therapist then he is being highly unethical & should be reported too.

Laserbird16 · 12/12/2021 03:12

Tell your DP. It will come out eventually and your ex may be getting some sordid thrill about working with your DP.

I think your panic and wish that you didn't know your ex is very understandable.

caketiger · 12/12/2021 03:23

Most caring professionals have ethics they have to stick to, so if this person was your partners doctor / counsellor / social worker it would be ethically inappropriate for them to carry on working with your partner.

Tell you partner op. They will understand

Lasair · 12/12/2021 07:00

You’re partner won’t care you lied to him! Just tell him you’ll feel 100 times better once you do.

Gtfcovid · 12/12/2021 07:19

Agree with Traceybeaker above. If this man is any kind of health professional, he should never have asked if your dp knows you. I would also wonder if your partner’s social media is as private as yours, in which case this man could have been snooping in his client’s social media and found pictures of you. That’s highly unprofessional.
You have done nothing wrong. You panicked when you heard the name and your flight response took over. That’s perfectly normal and your dp should understand. Please tell him and ask him to change to a different professional.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 12/12/2021 07:38

OP, tell your DP. The situation is going to get intolerable very very quickly if you don’t.
PPs why are you speculating that the ex is a therapist ? He could be, but he could also be a personal trainer or a dietitian, or a lawyer, or a web developer, or a physiotherapist, or an accountant, or loads of other possibilities. There are lots of jobs where a professional works one on one with a client and has access to sensitive personal or business information. Don’t try to make OP confirm which profession her ex practices. She’s already made it clear that’s information she’s not wanting to disclose here.

Jux · 12/12/2021 19:45

"DP, there's a thing bothering me badly and I really need to tell you. You know I said I didn't know X? Well, he's actually that ex I told you abbout, yes, that one........."

If you really don't know how to start, that seems as good a way as any.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2021 19:51

You need to tell him ASAP.

Georgeskitchen · 12/12/2021 19:51

Surely this is against professional standards? This bloke needs reporting to his regulatory body!!

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