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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship with sibling with ASD

16 replies

Rubycake · 11/12/2021 23:06

Just wondered if anyone was in a similar situation or if iabu to feel down about this.

DS14 has high functioning autism. He has always been pretty attached to my husband and I. However, he does not seem to really engage much with his sister (DD11).

It breaks my heart. DD11 adores him, is hypersensitive to his moods, and often gets upset herself when he is angry/agitated. She often wants to spend time with him but he prefers to go on his computer or read a book. He likes spending time with his friends, but doesn't seem that bothered about DD. She sometimes goes into his room and just quietly watches him playing his computer game as a way of connecting with him. She has admitted in the past that she feels quite rejected as he often seems to ignore her - when I mention it to him he does apologise, but it's like she's not even on his radar.

I get that he's now a teenager and so it's probably normal to some extent, but tbh he's always been like this and I was wondering if it is also due to the fact that he's on the autistic spectrum. I feel I have been trying for years to get him to engage more with DD as I guess I had the dream of them being close, but I just feel it's not the reality.

Can anyone else relate? I guess I just want to help DD somehow as being ignored by your sibling must be so hard, but I have tried everything and I just don't think the situation is ever going to change.

OP posts:

Hullabaloo9 · 11/12/2021 23:34

I have a 17 Yr old son with asd and a 5 Yr old son who adores his big brother. Younger son works so hard to win his brothers approval, even made him a card on fathers day. Older son doesn't even see his brother as a person I'm sure. Doesn't really listen when he talks, just makes enough response to not be entirely ignoring him, always in a flat, uninterested way.

I don't know what the answer is but I do think it's the asd. It's heartbreaking sometimes.

Thegreencup · 11/12/2021 23:38

Turn the focus to your daughter. Encourage her to build relationships outside of the family unit. Show her that she is enough as she is without her brother's approval. Teach her to be her own person.

Some siblings are close. Some are not. You can't force it if it's not there. I was always closer to my sisters than my brother and thats still the case now.

Just10moreminutesplease · 11/12/2021 23:42

At 14 my sister wasn’t really on my radar much. It was all about my friends.

Now we are adults she is my best friend in the world.

We are both what you would probably call high functioning autistic, but I think this is common amongst nt siblings too.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 12/12/2021 00:44

My DD was 20 before she admitted she even liked any of her brothers, let alone loves tgem.
None of my DC have each other's phone numbers.
They don't hate each other, and would help each other out in need, but they aren't friends as such - they're very different people and have their own friends and lives.
Just because people are related doesn't make some kind of miraculous strong bond between them. If they are friends it's a bonus, not a given

itwasntaparty · 12/12/2021 00:58

Sound a completely normal tbh, I wouldn't focus on the ASD as the cause

user1478172746 · 12/12/2021 05:24

Sounds like your daughter might be AS as well. At 11 she is concentrating on her brother not on building relationships with friends. Nothing bad about that, just possibility.

Caramellatteplease · 12/12/2021 05:26

Do you get out the house as a family much'? Themepark visits and outdoor stuff?

Walkingbkwrm · 12/12/2021 11:54

He might be a bit old for this but is there a regular thing they could do together, a chore maybe even? If they spend time together regularly then your DD might feel better about your DS not wanting to the rest of the time (which is fairly normal for 14 tbf). Bit like one on one parent time only for siblings.

CorrBlimeyGG · 12/12/2021 11:59

That sounds like a normal sibling relationship. Given the way you describe your daughter, it might be worth thinking about whether she is on the spectrum as well. Also look up masking in girls.

(We don't have nearly enough information to know if she might be or not, but it's worth considering.)

zingally · 12/12/2021 12:05

My older sister (by 3 years) is high functioning ASD. I can't say we were close as kids, but did grow closer as older teenagers when we had interests in the same pop groups etc.

As adults, we are close BECAUSE we are sisters, if that makes sense. I don't think we'd be friends if not for the family bond. We've also both (I think) made more of an effort to keep in touch with each other regularly as we've gotten older - exchanging texts 3 or 4 times a week.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/12/2021 12:23

Have you tried telling DS very directly that his sister wants to do something together with him. That she comes into watch him play because she loves her big brother. That he is part of a family and should be trying to have a relationship with everyone in it. Can they play a computer game together? Mine play roblox quite happily.

Changethename1234 · 12/12/2021 12:24

I didn't want to read and not reply. Have name changed though. My brother and I are adults. I am pretty sure he has high functioning ASD but was never diagnosed (mother very opposed to doctors/any kind of state intervention).

However my experience has always been as you describe. Now we are adults I can see he does care about me in his own way but I get very little from the relationship.

As children we were never close. When he was about 19 and I 14 things improved a bit, into our twenties perhaps a bit more...

But basically not the sibling relationship I would have chosen, or see others have.

You daughter might benefit from some professional help to understand her brother's condition a bit more, and what it means for their relationship. As an adult I've been in counselling (for other matters) and it's been helpful in understanding my relationship with him too.

MintJulia · 12/12/2021 14:59

At 14 I wasn't keen on my little sister. She wanted to hang around with us, and I wanted to look cool and grownup with my mates. Equally, my older brother wouldn't have wanted to spend time with me.

I think it's probably fairly normal.

We all get on fine now.

MargaretThursday · 12/12/2021 15:30

I don't think many 14yo boys are too focused on their 11yo sisters.

Just let her find her own friends and they'll probably be far closer for you not trying to push him to spend time with her when he doesn't want to.

If he allows her to She sometimes goes into his room and just quietly watches him playing his computer game as a way of connecting with him that's actually quite thoughtful of him if he lets her. I think most 14yos would not find that anything but irritating from a younger sibling, especially if he's doing it with his friends.

TowandaForever · 12/12/2021 16:00

Mine are 21 asd and 16 probably asd. Quite different. Didn't used to get on at all but in the last year have got better.

So op things may change.

Original poster

Rubycake · 12/12/2021 22:15

Thank you all for your responses.

That's been really interesting to hear some of your experiences with siblings with ASD, either personal experiences or your own children - I'm sorry it has been hard for others too. But maybe as PPs have said, the love/care is shown in a different way. I do think DS loves DD, it's just not shown in the conventional way. In fact often when I tell him I love him, his reply is "ok" - not really the usual response!

Yes we do do things as a family, days out etc. DS does interact with DD on days out, but somehow the conversation is always on his terms. I just don't think he knows how else to be. I have said directly to him sometimes that it would be kind to interact more with his sister and he does try, but it seems very formulaic eg telling her a joke or playing a quick game then walking off as he has "done his bit".

It's also interesting to hear of sibling relationships that have changed over the years, I know from my own experience of siblings that sometimes you are closer and other times less so.

Some PPs have mentioned the possibility of DD also having ASD - that's actually really interesting as we are looking into having her assessed for ASD/ADHD. Maybe it's not particularly usual at her age to be so attached to DS and want his approval, and could be an ASD trait.

We did an activity today that she really enjoyed and she seemed a lot happier. I think that is the way forward. I already do take her to lots of activities/hobbies that she enjoys, and I hope over time her self esteem and confidence will increase and she won't be so reliant on her brother.

Thank you all again for your replies and sharing your experiences, it has really helped reading them all.

OP posts:

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