To ask how I can lend money to a friend

[cadburyegg]

I have a close friend who was given notice to move out of her rented accommodation recently and the date is looming when she needs to leave. The reason she hasn't left yet is because she can't scrape money together for a deposit on the next place.

I really want to help her and lend her some money for a deposit so she can find somewhere else to live. She hasn't asked me for help but I know she is desperate. I can't offer her a place to stay because I live too far away.

I guess I'm looking for tips as to how I can do this and not regret it - I realise I might not see the money again. I don't want it to damage the friendship.

AIBU or am I being too nice.

If you can afford it, gift her the money. If you cannot afford it, do not.

If you don’t want to damage the friendship, don’t do it.

Never mix money and friendship.

Or you could offer to see if a potential new landlord would allow you to pay a deposit for her and ringfence it under your name. You could potentially lose some of it when she moves out depending on if she consistently pays rent and what state she leaves the property in, but if you trust her to be a good tenant and keep up with rent etc you wouldn't be lending her money and she wouldn't 'owe' you money in return. Do bear in mind you wouldn't see the money again for quite some time though.

You lend her what you can afford to lose and be prepared to write off, if you are not, don’t do it.

You could write up a basic agreement like “I Sally am loaning Catherine £600. It must be repaid in full within 12 months of this agreement. The repayment will be £50 per calendar month.” If you both sign and date it, ideally with a witness it will (I think from watching Judge Rinder) class as a legally enforceable document as it’s proof you intended to create legal relations and confirms the amounts involved. However, this only protects you financially, and if you had to enforce this through the courts I’m sure your relationship would never recover. Which is why I suggest that you lend, hoping to be repaid, but being ok if you aren’t.

The only way to do this is to make your 100% peace with never, ever seeing it again. In fact, just straightforwardly gifting it would be better all around, as the feeling of obligation and shame on your friend will do nothing for your friendship.

Give don’t lend. That’s the only way to ensure there’s never hard feelings. I’m sure she would be very grateful and you’ll of done something amazing

Another vote for gifting what you can afford to give.

And remember that you have no control over what she spends it on. If she chooses to blow the lot on the holiday of a lifetime, that's entirely her business.

Complicated, isn't it?

Give it if you can afford it...l don’t lend...your friendship will never be the same....regardless of whether she pays you back

Another vote here for gifting it. She may well then save up the money to return it to you but she may not.

If you can afford to lose it, give it, freely. Make it clear it's a one off Christmas gesture with no obligation and that you trust her to use the money for a rental deposit.

@Kitkat151

Give it if you can afford it...l don’t lend...your friendship will never be the same....regardless of whether she pays you back

Eh? I've borrowed money from friends, it didn't affect our friendship. Why would it if we pay each other back? I agree to only lend what you can afford to lose, but there's not need to gift it instead.

Btw OP, it's a great kindness of you to do this for your friend. She is lucky to have you. This is the sort of thing that can make or break a person, stand between them & homelessness.

I’d lend her money, but in my head, it’d be a gift. Then she may or may not pay it back, but it wouldn’t be an issue for me.
If I couldn’t afford to write it off, I wouldn’t do it.

@BurningTheClocks

I’d lend her money, but in my head, it’d be a gift. Then she may or may not pay it back, but it wouldn’t be an issue for me. If I couldn’t afford to write it off, I wouldn’t do it.

This is the only sensible thing.

Offer her the money “as a loan” but accept that you are really giving a gift.

If she pays you back when she’s on her feet, brilliant. If she can’t, you gave her a gift at a time in her life you felt she needed one.

You f she doesn’t pay you back I wouldn’t loan more.

You also need to be very clear with yourself that even if she appears to be making bad choices after you’ve lent her money, it’s not your business to police what she’s spending. If you think you’d struggle not to judge, don’t lend.

In this specific scenario it’s surely a very short term loan anyway, because she should have a rental deposit on her old place that will get returned to her once she’s moved out.

Your friend needs to contact her local authority to find out if they will help her with a rent deposit scheme,which will lend her the money. Some charities run these schemes too. A second option if for her to start saving with a credit union from whom she can get a loan. Local authorities can also make Discretionary Housing Payments to help with deposits. DWP can make budgeting loans if your friend is on benefits.

Ok if you can afford to give rather than loan you can do it as a "pay it forward" thing. I've done this in the past and it avoids an awkward dynamic.
Basically, "£xxx was given to me years ago when I was struggling, they told me to pay it forward when I could, so I'd like to give it to you now on the understanding that you'll pay it forward when you're able to"

Could you do that?
I suppose it only works if you can spare the money.

Thanks everyone. It was really helpful to read your posts and have a think about what to say before offering her the money. I have transferred the money after a chat with her today. She was initially resistant when I said it was a gift but I assured her that if she can afford to repay it one day then great but that I won't be asking for it back. I won't say how much I've sent her but she is very grateful.