To consider private secondary schools - would you?

[AutumnLeaves22]

My 2 DC's are currently in local state primary. Very happy, thriving and the school is great (outstanding ofsted).

The only secondary school we are in catchment for is huge (240 year intake), rated 'good' by Ofsted for the past 20 years or so. I worry they will just become part of this massive school and not an individual child. There are no alternative state secondaries within our catchment area. All the kids go to this one school. It's fine and if they went there it wouldn't be the end of the world.

But....

We could afford private secondary, of which there are plenty to choose from near us (Home Counties) all with good transport links to our home. Single sex or Co-Ed, selective hot houses and non selective options are all available to us, so in a few years we could go for whatever suits the kids.

The problem I have, I just can't reconcile this in my own mind. I was state educated, as were the vast majority of my friends. Many of us have done really well in our careers and now have decent salaries, stable careers, nice homes, frequent holidays, hobbies etc. so I know state education can be very successful! I grew up quite poor, single parent family and very few luxuries.

But I can't help thinking that if we can afford private education and all the additional opportunities they will have from being in the (very privileged) system, then should we go for that?

I am currently ferrying them both around after school to various clubs, 4 days out of 5 and at weekends. Because they want to, not because I force them. But we still haven't got time to fit everything in, I.e. music and language lessons (that they are asking for, again not me pushing!). Private schools have all this included in their offering so would make life easier.

I have to admit the smaller class sizes are appealing as I think my 2 would both come on leaps and bounds if they had more individual attention and were stretched more academically.

If I send them to private school will they become entitled little so and so's?

Also, whilst we are financially comfortable we are not rolling in it. Live in a normal road in our little town, semi detached house, 2 working parents. Not a mansion on a private estate.... of which there are plenty near us! Would my kids get picked on for being too 'normal'?

I want them to stay normal... is that possible when surrounded by wealth and privilege?

AIBU to consider private school in my circumstances.?

Do you send your kids to private school, even if it doesn't sit well with you morally? (Sorry if I've not worded that correctly but hopefully you know what I mean).

I would, if I could afford it.

The local secondaries here are all those foul Michaela style schools. And hot houses.

DD1 is doing really well there but is constantly baffled by the endless stream of ever changing rules that are beyond fucking petty.

DD2 is due to start next September, has ADHD and ASD and I can’t see her thriving there. At all.

There’s a lovely private school that’s very nurturing just up the road however they don’t offer much in the way of funding, and the other private school is a hot house, but does offer a lot of funding.

Well mine attended pretty much every kind of school possible, state, private, home Ed for a bit, even boarding and if there had been a good state secondary in our area I absolutely wouldn't have gone private. Save the money instead and put it toward deposits or uni or something fun.
In my experience neither 'got lost' in the larger settings as there's always a tutor group which becomes like an internal sub-group. And in a larger school the wider choice of friends would have been great for both.

Obviously nice problem to have, but I think there's a valid argument if you are doing tonnes of extra curricular stuff and it's the woman that's working part time, scheduling it all and earning less to accommodate this then both working full time and sending them to a school that does all the activities could be easier all round.

As for morals, I think it's naive to think that kids in state schools with plenty of cash and extra activities are on a level playing field with kids living in poverty in tower blocks. Private schools will make marginal difference to your kids so don't stress about morals.

DS is at a private secondary. The thing about small year groups is you aren’t really getting an accurate reflection of things. For example he’s top of the tree at maths there - but I know he wouldn’t be in it was a 240 intake rather than an 80 one. So whilst it gives him great confidence I do worry he’ll never feel the need to push himself like he would do if there was more competition.

Why don't you just go and look at all the schools that are close enough for you to consider OP and see how you feel once you've done that? IMO, the most important thing is to choose the RIGHT school for your DC, whether that school is state or private. You get a feel for a school when you go and look around, see the facilities, imagine your DC there and think about how the facilities and opportunities match up with your own DC's interests and current extracurricular clubs. No two private schools are the same, in the same way that no two state schools are the same. Just be open-minded and go and visit.

And no, going to a private school won't turn your DC into entitled little so-and-so's unless that is how they are being raised at home.

I think it’s down to whether your children will do well in a big school or not. Some kids thrive in a bigger environment and some don’t. We have 2 at private secondaries (both small) and it’s done wonders for their confidence- they are also prone to coasting and it’s much harder to coast in a smaller school than a big one. Ultimately your decision. For what it’s worth we are in a semi detached house in a nice area and have an 8 year old battered up car. It’s never been and issue and there are plenty with more or less money than us . Some schools can be snobby but you’ll work them out fairly quick i when you look round
We were both state educated but it’s honestly a non issue for us. It’s what is best for the children.

We are in a similar situation. No experience of private. Ended up at good unis between us (I was first to uni in extended family) but were the ones confused when other kids expected us to be impressed with their school that we had never heard of…

We’re planning private secondary. I do have concerns over snobbery and a mindset that more money / bigger house / better holiday = better person.

Yet I’m concerned about the challenge state secondaries find to fund things. I have close friends in the sector and I know they are doing their best but often pushing uphill.

Also what I want is confidence. Perhaps it comes from parents, and so they will have it anyway - yet I want the school to work to expand them beyond the curriculum and the variety of clubs and societies.

240 intake isn't huge, it's an 8 form intake.
An 8 form intake means the school is big enough to support a wide range of options at GCSE, have a variety of extra curricular clubs, competitive sports teams etc.

Add up how much you would spend on private. is it really worth it to you? Is the 'added value' compared with your state option sufficient?

What else could you do with the money? Tutoring if needed? Supporting through university? Deposits on first houses?

@Huy456

Obviously nice problem to have, but I think there's a valid argument if you are doing tonnes of extra curricular stuff and it's the woman that's working part time, scheduling it all and earning less to accommodate this then both working full time and sending them to a school that does all the activities could be easier all round.

As for morals, I think it's naive to think that kids in state schools with plenty of cash and extra activities are on a level playing field with kids living in poverty in tower blocks. Private schools will make marginal difference to your kids so don't stress about morals.

We both work full time. We both happen to have those MN mythical jobs where we both have supportive employers where to a certain extent it doesn’t matter ‘when’ you complete the work, as long as it gets done. I am a senior director so I like to think I lead from the front and encourage this culture… hopefully employees feel empowered to do the same. We value individuals and their input more than sticking to rigid hours…. And I make the most of this flexibility! But I do end up working late evenings from home, especially since COVID WFH kicked in.

@zafferana

Why don't you just go and look at all the schools that are close enough for you to consider OP and see how you feel once you've done that? IMO, the most important thing is to choose the RIGHT school for your DC, whether that school is state or private. You get a feel for a school when you go and look around, see the facilities, imagine your DC there and think about how the facilities and opportunities match up with your own DC's interests and current extracurricular clubs. No two private schools are the same, in the same way that no two state schools are the same. Just be open-minded and go and visit.

And no, going to a private school won't turn your DC into entitled little so-and-so's unless that is how they are being raised at home.

We haven't been able to visit this year due to COVID, hopefully we'll get a chance next year. But you're right, I think it's very much a feeling about how the schools will work for our kids. We are honestly spoilt for choice and I think that's part of my dilemma. I'm sure they'll be fine anywhere... I know it's a very privileged position to be in.

Personally no, but that's because I'm opposed to private education in general

@Scaffoldhell

I think it’s down to whether your children will do well in a big school or not. Some kids thrive in a bigger environment and some don’t. We have 2 at private secondaries (both small) and it’s done wonders for their confidence- they are also prone to coasting and it’s much harder to coast in a smaller school than a big one. Ultimately your decision. For what it’s worth we are in a semi detached house in a nice area and have an 8 year old battered up car. It’s never been and issue and there are plenty with more or less money than us . Some schools can be snobby but you’ll work them out fairly quick i when you look round We were both state educated but it’s honestly a non issue for us. It’s what is best for the children.

Thanks for your insights. I think they would thrive in both large and small cohorts, however you make a good point about coasting…. My DS is definitely a coaster, because he can. He’s like a sponge and doesn’t have to try hard at anything but is still top in his subjects. So a bit of stretching might be good for him, or it might ruin his natural rhythm and be a disaster! I don’t think he’d thrive under constant academic pressure, but he is definitely capable of learning at a fast pace, albeit under his own steam.

I know I’m overthinking this.

I think you need to love the school and then you’ll have the answer. If you look at the privates and don’t love them then they aren’t the answer as you say there is nothing wrong with the state. For me a private school would have to provide something a state didn’t. For us that amounted to smaller classes, daily sport and a feeling of warmth that I didn’t get from other schools.

Ended up at good unis between us (I was first to uni in extended family) but were the ones confused when other kids expected us to be impressed with their school that we had never heard of… *
*
Same here! I had no idea that where you went to school was a thing until I went to uni (1st generation here too). I had never heard of these schools but they were being name dropped all over the place. Looking back it was toxic and I was very naive as to how friendship groups were formed in Freshers week purely on which school you had been to.

I could have written your post a couple of years ago. (My eldest is now in Year 7.) Both Dh and I are Comprehensive then Oxbridge so struggle with the “point” of private schools. On the other hand - both kids are incredibly mathematical and their primary school was wonderful but struggling to deal with them for maths.

We had spreadsheets weighing up the options.

In the end (ironically!) it was the extra curricular stuff that put us off our first choice of private school. The school is very very sporty. And Dd is very very sporty. Sounds perfect - right? But the school has particular sports that they focus on and they are not the ones that Dd is into. And the school day (and Saturday school!) would clash with dd’s training for the sport she loved.

So we went with the comprehensive. She is one term in now. I think it was the right decision although I have occasional wobbles. The private school has a big entry point at 13 so we could change our minds then.

In an ideal world we shouldn’t need private schools and before having kids, I’d always have said I would send my own kids to state school.
Then I had kids, the eldest of who is autistic (and also academically quite strong) and when we started looking at our local state secondaries I realised she’d struggle so much and get ‘lost’ as she is so quiet. (I am also autistic and still bearing the scars from years of unchecked bullying in a large comprehensive). So we’re going private - a very small, nurturing, SEN-friendly school where I really hope she’ll fit in and be happy.
I think you have to do what’s right for your own child. We’ve had friends act ‘off’ with us about it and say ‘you’re so lucky to be able to afford to do that’ - but they live in houses that are worth more than twice what ours is, drive expensive cars, go on foreign holidays every year when we just go camping etc etc.