I feel so detached from other people my age, would a boyfriend help?

[User47679983]

What do normal 26 year olds act like?
I just turned 26 this year and I have no idea what I’m meant to be doing right now at this age. I look at what other people my age from school are doing right now. Other people are working, settling into careers, having boyfriends, getting engaged, getting married etc. I’m nowhere near that as I’m not currently working in my dream career, just something to pay the bills right now. I’m happy in it but it’s pretty low paid and overall in life apart from career, I feel very aimless.

I don’t know where I should be and what I should be up to at this time. I feel like getting a boyfriend - I want one - but I don’t know if this would this make me feel better? I have a crush on someone but I don’t think he’s interested. Last time I tried to ask out somebody, I was rejected and felt really embarrassed so I’m reluctant to try again. I just feel like having a boyfriend would make me feel more stable and like I have a life to look after. Not just work then home all the time. I’m bored and feel uninterested in life without a boyfriend because I have no problems to focus on but my own, no life to deal with but mine, no other thoughts in my house but mine, just me, myself and my job all the time. Work friends aren’t even my real friends as they don’t ask me to go out with them.

You sound like you’re really struggling. I’m a few years younger than you and been with my partner since I was 19 and I just want to say that having a boyfriend won’t fix all your feelings.

I’m a few years younger than you, but all my friends or relatives who are around that age, each one is at a different stage in life. Some are still studying, others working, some have bought a house and are thinking about weddings and babies, whilst others are still in a house share or living as lodgers.

I personally don’t think a boyfriend would ‘solve’ the problem.

If this is not the job or career you’d like, what steps are you taking to change this? Can you retrain or do some postgraduate course in your field of interest?

Do you keep in touch with any old friends from school or university, or are you all far from each other now? Can you ask some of your colleagues if they’d like to go grab some food or watch a movie one evening after work? They haven’t asked you but maybe you should ask them first and break the ice.

I’m also ‘alone’ and in a foreign country to top it all off, but I keep in touch with old friends, chat with my sister regularly. I go out for lunch or a coffee or to visit the Christmas markets or watch a show with ‘friends’ from work. I go to church each week and volunteer with a local choir and we take it in turns to have each other over for dinner. I organise trips back home so I can see my friends regularly. And I keep busy with my job which I absolutely love and currently trying to progress to the next level.

Are there any local activities you could get involved with, where you might meet people with some common interests?

It’s hard being alone but you don’t have to constantly be bored or sad. I go through patches of not having much to do, but for me the secret is to keep busy as much as I can, and take the initiative myself to be busy in the first place.

I don’t know where I should be and what I should be up to at this time.

I also wanted to say, there is no perfect timeline of how and when you should do things. So don’t be too hard on yourself about doing things at the ‘right’ time, each person’s life develops at a different pace and the big milestones come at a different time.

Hugs and lots of strength to you

Getting a boyfriend is not the answer! He might distract you and take up a lot of time and energy that at 26 you should be spending to get yourself where you want to be in life. What are your interests? Your ideal career? Do you need to do any more studying/training? Develop your own interests both inside and outside of work. If a boyfriend comes along that could be nice but he shouldn't be the focus of your life.

I had a oh and two kids by the time I was 26. Didn't go to uni till I was 28. Got married at 29. Didn't have a career until 35. We all do things at different paces.

I don't think rushing out and finding a boyfriend will help you feel like where you should be, as no one knows where that is.

I agree there is no "should".
I have dc and dn your age and younger and just a bit older and they aren't all in the same place at all.
I don't think "getting a boyfriend" will solve your feeling of aimlessness.

What do you do other than going to work and going home ?

What would you like to do ?

Is there something proactive you could be doing to move to a more fulfilling job ?

Where do you mix with other people ? Hobbies ? Sport ? Volunteering ? All of which can also give some fulfilment in your life

I am a million years older than you are and here's what I think:

You are in a GREAT position.
No kids, no boyfriend to tie you down, hopefully no debt.

If you feel aimless, maybe you need to experience more things!

Volunteer abroad for a year. Really.

While you're waiting for that to come through, pick a new thing every week and try it. Lots of great suggestions above. More:
Parkrun, WI, learn an instrument, learn a martial art, learn a language, learn to cook a few things really well, go to museums, go to not-blockbuster films, etc, etc, etc.

It can be scary feeling aimless, but try reframing it as "free"!

Try not to compare yourself to others! There’s no set timeline!

People can feel a bit lost or aimless at any stage in life. I think at your age you should focus on getting yourself set up how you’d like to be and if a boyfriend happens to come along too then great, but don’t let that be your main concern atm.

Make a plan of how to get into your dream job and take actions towards it every week, join a hobby group and make more friends, think of any other goals you might have, like travel or volunteering or sports challenges etc and go for them now before you’re tied down!

My last serious relationship ended getting on for 30 years ago. Yes, there are times when I would like a boyfriend/man in my life (whatever you call it at pushing 60!). My career
has not exactly been high-flying - mostly sales support/direct marketing. I am also now on regular medical treatment taking 6 or 7 hours 3 times a week BUT what keeps me going is some good friends who I see COVID permitting or phone regularly and most of all my passion for and regular participation in music. I’m sure you could find some sort of interest group which would lead to all sorts of activities and friendships and, who knows, eventually a boyfriend. They say nothing attracts like a busy sign! You must have some sort of interest - maybe something you used to do; sport? drama? politics? environment? books? Or volunteer for a charity of some sort; Many are crying out for people. Whatever else, pairing off when you are at a low ebb is very likely to land you in a relationship which is just one more problem and still nothing to fall back on.

If you meet someone you like and that progresses into a relationship, that's great - if you want to pursue that by dating more, also great.

But as a previously-aimless 26 year old (and I'm not that much older now tbh), having a boyfriend won't fix feeling like you're not sure what you're doing. In fact, it's not healthy to go into a relationship thinking it will - that way you end up basing your entire happiness and sense of purpose on someone else.

Find what gives you motivation or purpose or drive, and you find interesting. Sign up for an online course or join a group for something you find interesting or start doing a qualification to change your job in your spare time or volunteer or... loads of stuff.

Climbing? Walking? Knitting? Painting? Cat sanctuary volunteer? Local political group? Feminist group? Stand up comedy? Online gaming community? Dungeons & Dragons? Bodybuilding? Online writing club? Photography course? Management course to help look for a new job? Martial art? Coding course? Local history club? Fashion blog? Chess club? Local church volunteering? Zumba?

Any take your fancy?

Do things for yourself that give your life meaning and colour - that way not only are you self-sufficiently happy, but you have something to bring to a relationship. I mean this gently, but you can't go into a relationship and be like, okay, you and your life are now meant to keep me entertained - it'd be suffocating and not good for healthy boundaries.

At 25-26 I was the same. I started about 50 new hobbies/courses etc trying to decide what I wanted to do with myself. I still do 2 of them and have met people through them who are my friends, stuff that fills my time and I'm interested in. That way I'm not looking to my now-DH (who I met at 25, who was kind of what sparked me to find things I care about - he had so many hobbies and interests, and I felt boring and like I had nothing I really cared about by comparison!) to fill my evenings, or bring interest to my day. He adds it, but he isn't the sole source of it.

Life isn't a performance - you need to get out and live it to know what you really want to do. You'll have to do things, not read tips on a website.

There's no such thing as 'normal', though I'd argue you sound quite depressed.

After work and at weekends, go out. Go to events, go to clubs and classes and things, be amongst people and meet them and chat. When I was a SAHM with little babies at home I'd spend the weekends at lectures and conferences at museums and universities - they're free or low cost - and attending sports, music and tech events. I learned new skills that led to me retraining in a new job, and made new friends along the way.

Can't sit indoors looking out of the window and wondering when life begins - it's out there, but you have to go out to it.

Fire up Eventbrite and see what's on near you, and start living :)

I'm in my 40s. I'd say about 90% of my friends who 'had it all together' and were in relationships in their mid 20s have now separated and are in much different places than they imagined they would be. So there is no such thing as what you 'should' be doing.

You don't sound very happy with work. What could you do to change that situation? How about hobbies and interests? What would you like to do outside of work? Why do you think you can't do things now and why do you think having a partner will change that?