Extremely unhappy with my life

[Tiredancranky]

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To the point where it is overwhelming me. I stay up at night with this feeling and get anxiety attacks. I cry. I find it unbareable. Sometimes im okay and can just put my head down and get along with it but other times it gets completely ontop of me and drags me down violently. Yesterday i went for a walk and just stood in the same place for half an hour getting lost in trying to piece together why im feeling like this? Tiredness? Hormones? Genuinely just sad?

I have a dc who i love with my whole heart, however i dont think the parent life makes me happy at all. I got pregnant young and constantly wonder what i would be doing if i wasnt tied down to sleepless nights and mundane boring rotuines. I get jealous seeing friends my age out experincing things and spending time as a couple, as an individual.

Ive lost my identity. Ive lost my will to try with anything. Since giving birth ive lost my body, my hair type isnt the same. My skin is constantly spotty. My horomones feel unbalanced and i never feel right or stable..Idont recognise myself anymore

In terms of relationships mine has so many problems. First i dont feel like we even have one. I feel like we are two people that live together and co parent. Dp goes to work i am a stahm at the moment. He comes home and we are both so exshausted that we zone out of each other. He is invested in his "hobby" on his phone. Ive called him out on it before and he calmed down but now he is slowly crept back to being obssessed by it. We go out on family days and he stands there on his phone leaving me to talk to myself. We dont have sex. He is awful at it and never initates. Ive had countless talks to him about everything and it all falls on deaf ears.Iwe need counselling but money is always his set back and excuse.

In terms of money we have none. His debt has eaten up all my savings i had for our first apartment. We still live with parents because of his money issue. It depresses me that we cant provide a simple necessity my daughter deserves and we most likely wont be able to for ages. We have no money to go out or do anything with our lives. I was meant to get a job when dc turned one but mentally i feel so not ready. I had an awful pregnancy and birthing experience. Think neglectful. The midwives and drs incompitence cost me experiencing a horrible birth. Since then i spoke to a health visitor once. She then just blanked me and has never bothered to check on me again even though she new my mental state.

I find living with my in laws too much. They are fanatics that constantly go on about things that drag me down. Things i dont believe in. Its like being preached to everyday. They also have excused alot of dps horrible behaviour towards me and been quite manipulative at times telling me that i cant leave him ( im ruining everyones lives) and that i cant take dc away.

My parents newly split and my abusive parent is trying to pester me into a relationship. For some reason i cant tell them to just piss off. I feel bad for them as they are alone and i feel pathetic for it as they were so horrible to me and my siblings.

Im so so miserable. I feel like im drowing under all of this and just wasting my youthful years which are meant to be the best years of my life.

The only good thing is my dc but my god dc came at a big price and sacrifice i was not ready for.

Sometimes i feel im bu for feeling all of this and try to stay appreciative of my situation. In laws took us in. Have a roof over our head. Got a healthy child. But i cant shake these feelings and its becoming all consuming. Im so tired of feeling sad. Nothing is changing and i cant continue this way.

Help.

Would also like to add dp has been physically abusive ( he pushed me) which is what he is meant to be seeking counselling about. His parents know this and have of course turned a blind eye.

You need a job. That will give you money, independence, time away from the home, etc. What line of work were you in before you got pregnant?

Op are you in the UK, you need to make a doctors appointment and push for a therapy referral. Failing that google every mind matters, you can also refer yourself. Therapy accessed via the NHS is usually free, although that means it can also be short term. But it's better than none.

Also ask the doctor to check your overall health, how old are you?

In short you need help, don't carry on like this. Is there anyone you trust you can talk too about all of this?

Most of all I'm sending you love. Life can be so brutal. X

Any chance you can go and stay with your non-abusive parent for a bit, think about yours and dc’s future?

Dc doesn’t deserve to grow up in a household where there is physical abuse. What if he ended up hurting dc?

What is dp’s debt from?

Sorry things are so rubbish for you. Your HV team are probably understaffed - it won’t be personal why they haven’t got back to you. I would either chase them again or your GP if you feel you need some mh support.

@Jacaranda75 i know i do but mentally i just know i cant uphold one at the moment. I dont even feel like myself anymore

@caketiger im 24. My hormones havent felt the same since i gave birth. I feel seriously unbalanced.

@Doubleglouceater dps debt was from before i met him

Paid work will give you something else to think about, no matter how minor. It will give you self worth and add meaning and purpose. It will also get you out of the house and put you in a stronger position if you do decide to leave.

You are very young and are trying to bring up a young child with your abusive and disinterested partner and his coercive parents.
This is not right.
Others will be along soon with practical advice.
You might want to consider if you would be better on your own with your child. You would then likely get enough benefits to keep you going while you get back into work.
Best of luck to you.

You.would.be.better.on.your.own.

With your kid of course. You also need some serious lessons in being selfish. It’s not your problem their lives would be ruined, or the abusive parent is lonely without a relationship with you. You’ve got enough of your own problems you need to sort first.

Be selfish. Put yourself first. Move out.

Hi OP,
Rather than making things worse a job might give you the opportunity to get yourself ready and out and chatting to adults and not looking after the little one. It might feel like a welcome break.

I would think small even if you were in a more qualified position before like one day a week in a shop or bar just to start you off and build your confidence.

I'm not trying to attack you when I say I don't think it is helpful to blame your husband for his debts at this point. I think you said that they were from before you met so perhaps you have known about them for some time?

The debts are there now and need dealing with (unless you are planning to leave). It might be worth your partner contacting a free debt charity such as Stepchange or Christians Against Poverty to see if you need a plan to deal with the debt. In the longer term you returning to some work will help your family to manage. I don't think it is fair you saying life is hard because of your partners debt when he could equally say that life is hard financially because you have stopped working.

Try and form a plan together. It is not OK that your partner pushed you and if you want to leave then that is understandable. It is good that you are encouraging him to go for therapy. He is probably equally as miserable as you and if you want to stay together you need to talk it out and make a plan. You are not happy living with your inlaws and struggling for money - so what can you change?

What can you change short term?
What can you change longer term?

You mention hormones a few times - do you think trying an anti-depressant might help - just to help you get started. There is no shame in this and plenty of people take one.

OP,
How did he get you to use your money to pay HIS debts?

Were you forced by him or did you volunteer your money?

I think you need to speak to your GP urgently.

I think you need to ring Women's aid, urgently.

I think you need to ask your non abusive parent can you move in.

Ask Women's aid about a refuge.

You need to ask for help loudly.

It sounds as if you may have PTS from the birth and PND.

You poor woman.

Please ring your doctor and Women's Aid TODAY.

That sounds tough, no one needs to stay in relationship that makes them
Unhappy. They take work from both sides. A couple that dotn want to spend time together will crumble. Where is his wage going? You say you have no money at all? Is every penny going on debt and food and that’s it? Even with a massive debt living rent free means that fair hit every month what £600-1500 going on repayment plans?

Long term is it 6-12m and debt gone? Or we talking another 10y of not having a penny?
If you have a proper debt recovery plan they will still leave you with some money to live on, even after paying private rent even you need to get made bankrupt.

Can you see a debt free start again future with this man or do you just feel stuck trapped and even after debt is paid you be no happier.

Agree about asking for advice from Woman’s Aid, plenty couple a push might just be a one off but it not a good sign. His parents knowing and not be supportive is also bad. You could move out with support and look to getting back to work and get help with childcare. If there is a relationship to save you can still see each other and he will course have to see his child.

You can get yourself out of this small steps at time GP also good call for bloods but let them know about home
Life and things to as they can help.

@Winter2020 you would have a point if it wasnt for the fact that even in unemployment my dp has heavily relying on my savings to get us buy. When i was working it was all me that bought dc everything and kept food in our fridge. And even now that im not working he is still heavily dependant on me. I made a remark to him about how im still the one paying for things when he is the only one with an income and he just laughed and said it was because i dont have debt thats not my problem. He accumulated his debt before i came into the picture but since we've been together ive helped bail out his payments and kept his car going.

To put it into perspective his debt has caused my money to go low because all his money went to his payments and other people that he has loans with and helped him cover rent. So to make sure dc had everything i paid out. My money was for a depoist and its all gone. He says he will help me re build but i dont know how he can when he is looking at another year until all his debt is paid off.

Which leads to my other point being i take on the mental load of everything. Ive asked him to take charge abit more but like everything else its been forgotten. Im the one that always thinks about what we need, what dc needs. Its mentally so taxing. And it leaves no room or time to try and heal and focus on me. The mental load is never ending.

A job will add more stress and might give the abusive people in your life more leverage because you will need childcare. I've never read such stupid advice. You have gone from abusive patents to an abusive partner and family.
If you aren't in a place to go onto the stately homes forum on here, because there are some excellent links in there to read as self help and it will help you understand why you can't say no to your parent and you are losing yourself now, then you need to consider antidepressants from your GP and give them time. But get out and you won't need them.
I agree with going to your GP and Woman's aid. They will give you the support to get out. You are a victim of DV, from all of them. Contact the listing cal DV services, they can also signpost you to therapy and housing help.

X post stop focusing on him and just think of you. Dismiss what and why he's doing what he is and instead ask yourself what the hell you are doing staying. Repost in relationships.

@Ponoka7

X post stop focusing on him and just think of you. Dismiss what and why he's doing what he is and instead ask yourself what the hell you are doing staying. Repost in relationships.

I agree.

OP, you cannot fix these people - it's not your job - but you can fix yourself.

The first thing I would suggest is planning what your life will look like as a single parent and the support you will need to make that happen.

You'll get a lot insta-LTB, but that's not how real life works - you will need time and support to plan what the next stage of your life looks like.

I would advise asking MN to move this to Relationships, where you'll get a lot of good, real-life advice from people who have been in your position.

Theres just got to be more to life than this. Im only in my early twenties and i feel like my life is just doom and gloom. Surely it cant continue out like this?