To give up on friend?

[SometimesRavenSometimesParrot]

This will be long so apologies in advance, but at the end of my tether with my friend and no idea what to do next so reaching out to the mumsnet hive mind.
Friend is early 30s with two children - one early teen and one nearly 2 year old. Had social services involvement with eldest child early on as she went away for a family crisis, left child in care of its father and he physically abused the child. All resolved, they had no worries about her, returned the child and fathers never been allowed to see the child since. Providing this for context.
About six months ago she split with nearly 2 YOs dad, which is what she wanted. He was very controlling, didn’t like her seeing friends or having social media etc. The final straw was when he pushed her over onto a couch and eldest child saw.

Yet periodically she has these meltdowns where she ‘needs her family back together’ - usually related to ex partner having a new girlfriend. At these points she basically harasses him until he has to block her, even threatening suicide. Because he has to block her, contact then ends up disrupted with the 2YO and then my friend withholds contact because she doesn’t think it’s in his best interest to be ‘messed about’. Her ex isn’t blameless - he’ll sometimes let the conversation go to ‘oh well we could get back together if…’ which makes her worse.
On a couple of these meltdown occasions she’s walked out of work, so I’m worried she’s at risk of loosing her job and she’s half overdosed at one point, then made herself sick.
We’ve told her she needs to get help if she’s not managing, from social services or the GP but she flatly refuses saying that if her ex takes her to court for custody it’ll look bad and she’ll loose her child.
She’s also doing things like tinder dating quite aggressively, because she’s of the mindset that any man is better than none, and then bizarre things like taking a cab to and from the tram station everyday (3/4 quid per journey) when it’s only a 25 minute walk and then going to a church food bank. She’s spiralling and we love her but we don’t know how to help.
We’re at a loss - any advice?

She sounds either mentally unwell or a feckless parent. Either way, I would try to get social services to reopen her file and provide support. It could make a big difference to the children.

I should say both kids are on a day to day basis really well looked after, the eldest is absolutely flying in school and youngest is coming on a treat. Looking just at the house and kids you wouldn’t know a thing was going on, but it’s like once they’re out of sight (either at school or staying with her mum/sister - she’s part of a big family that does lots of sleepovers etc) she just looses the plot.

I would be flagging this to Social Services. A friend went down a similar route with the dating which ended up putting her children at risk because she got into a relationship with an awful man because it was better than no relationship (in her eyes). She's now lost access to her children.

Unfortunately and very sadly, these situations rarely improve by themselves.

She sounds like she’s really trying to mask for her kids (sounds like they are doing good, house is clean) but struggling. She’s really lucky people are concerned about her rather than just being judgmental.

I would try an intervention-style no BS talk with her. Reiterating the danger of how things could end up.

If she couldn’t agree then yes, I would remove myself from the friendship.

I have done so in the past and am relieved not to be mixed up with what’s going on for them now.