Why is “grow up” the response to a woman who says she’s been bullied by another woman?

[NewFem]

What is there to “grow up” about?

I didn’t get a chance to ask this to this person but there’s this person that bullied me, traumatised me, lead me to develop depression when I was already suffering and caused me to seek professional counselling to recover from what she did. It’s taken me years to recover.

When I told her all this and asked her to stay away from me from then on, her response was to pin all the blame on me and make me the responsible one. She told me to “grow up” and “take responsibility for my own actions”.

The “actions” that I’m supposed to take responsibility for is me supposedly “shutting myself off from everyone else”. She’s a bully so of course I wasn’t going to want to be around her or anyone else since I was depressed at the time . What is she on about.

Anyway I’ve seen this reply a lot from people to other people (not just me), when they recount bullying done by other women to them. AIBU not to understand what there is to grow up about from acknowledging bullying?

To me, it’s a sign of strength to be able to admit you needed help professionally and you needed help to recover when someone has affected you terribly . It’s mature to be able to acknowledge your own feelings and emotions, right?

I think you are right. Was she a school bully or a workplace one? Do you still need to have contact with her or can you not cut her out entirely?

Either way, try to give her as little headspace as possible.

The actual bully telling you to grow up sounds like gaslighting - making your reaction, not her behaviour, the problem. Perhaps in line with her unpleasant character, and not someone from whom to seek understanding or who will help you heal. Is this someone you can now keep away from?

People do it on here too. It's when they caught make a coherent argument. Your bully knows you are right but rather than apologise and take responsibility blames you.

It's an awful phrase that demeans the experience a person goes through. As is 'man up' and 'grow a pair' the problem was the bully not you. You sought support and built your self up which is amazing. Don't expect the bully to understand, sometimes telling a bully can make them rethink their actions but not always. Move on from that person they don't get to tell you how to think or feel.

It happened to me too.I was in a relationshio with a woman who emotionally completely crushed me.I fortunately had the courage to leave her.I needed many sessions of councelling,not just to get over the abusive but also that non of my female friends believed me.they refused to acknowledge,Lesbians can be abusive too.I hope you get help and support

Its horrible. But unless the bully has had a complete change in their ways, they would never acknowledge that they were the problem.

So they will push back the blame to you.

Sorry this has happened to you though

Is this woman a family member?

you can't change the behaviour of other people. you can 'only' change how you react to it.

imo seeking professional help for mental health issues is a very grown up thing to do.
it takes guts and determination to try to distant yourself emotionally from a bully.

I agree that grow up is a ridiculous thing to say. It's a put down and from what you say you are focusing on growing/ learning etc by seeking help.
However personally I can't see the benefit in always confronting people who you feel hurt you in the past. Obviously each situation is different but often they will challenge the way the interactions were perceived. You will have interpreted them in one way, they in another. You won't be able to change other people, or how they think. The important thing is to acknowledge how their behaviour has an affect on you and your wellbeing, and to learn what the best way is to deal with similar behaviour in the future. Don't expect them to acknowledge it or take on any "blame". They won't see it like that and it won't help you move past this experience.

You see it time and time again, the people who abuse and bully try and blame it on their victims. I'm sorry you went through that.

She's gaslighting and trying to diminish what she did

Some people are dreadful. They'll never acknowledge they're at fault. My boss is a bully. Yet acts all innocent when called up on it. Makes out her victims are over sensitive. She can't help herself though. It's too big a strain for her to be nice. Sometimes she pretends to be. Then the true nature of the beast just slips out. You have to learn not to give them head space, these types. It's hard though, especially if you can't avoid them.

I've never heard anyone say this

@NewFem

To me, it’s a sign of strength to be able to admit you needed help professionally and you needed help to recover when someone has affected you terribly . It’s mature to be able to acknowledge your own feelings and emotions, right?

Yes, you are right!

But we are also responsible for our own happiness, so doing what you did, keeping this person away from you is what needs to be done. To take that strong step for ourselves.
They bully, but we have to take responsibility for how we react. I am guilty too, getting upset, overthinking maybe I did something wrong, maybe I over-reacted, so keep trying, and losing confidence. Age has teached me that is up to myself to stop feeling like that for other person's sake, and to remove them from my life if they fit the description of bully.
When it is familyor an old friend, it is really really tough.

Why do you need to tell her to stay away from you? Can you not stay away from her?

Confronting bullies is a risky strategy. They rarely give the reaction you want. It's better to just build yourself up in total detachment, making them irrelevant.

Without knowing the situation it's really impossible to make meaningful comment, but try to remember that you don't owe anyone conversation. You can completely disengage.