what am i doing with my life!!????

[beatrixpotterspencil]

Past 20 yrs i am a self employed artist, earning well, contented and ambitious.
Long term relationship, renting but by choice, no kids but love pets, bobbed along happily enough.

Since covid i have come apart. I don't know why as i haven't been clobbered by it. However i did have plans to move house and do new things, perhaps learn a new skill, etc.

Both parents died between 2019 and 2020. Am in my mid forties. For some reason i just stopped. I don't paint, create, bother to work or deal with clients. I am lucky that a lot of my income is passive or i would be fucked.
I did inherit. 5 figures. Have a few plans, feel lucky to have that option.

But here i am, online every night, not working. I want to work again. THis is the first time in my life i just cant be arsed working. I can sliver along on my earnings, and have good savings to bump me up, but i cant persist this way.
I love my work, it isnt that i need a new calling. I just cant fucking get the paint out and bother.
I am not depressed, even though i know most people reading this will describe it as such. I know and understand depression - this is something else, not grief, more like a stasis, a weird paralysis.

It is like i stopped working and ant find the switch to put it back on. I criticise it and compare it to others like i never did before. This isnt me at all and i dont like it!

I wonder if the inheritance and loss had jigged me up? I was a bit pampered by my parents to be honest, and true self sufficiency is new to me. There was always this safety net. I think the terror of this is hitting me like a delayed reaction. I am scared of the money sitting there and having to spend it to survive. If I dont get back to working i wont earn, soon.

Any advice, am i being an arse?

In the morning, take some paints to the nicest beauty spot you can find, with a flask of coffee, a blanket and warm clothes. Ideally on top of a hill or in a woods. Doesn't matter if you don't usually paint, or not landscapes. Just be there, with your paints, for a minimum of 2 hours. As soon as you get up. I promise, this will help.

I think you could benefit from some counselling. You don’t have to be “depressed” to do it. It’s just somewhere to regularly kick around thoughts and issues. Get you to see different perspectives. I’ve been doing it for a while. Hugely beneficial. Good luck op.

I would if i had a car, no places close at all. Living with DP at present as between homes, and waiting for covid to let me get back to normal. Life is ok here but i hate the town. He has to stay at moment due to work..

I resisted driving all my life for environmental reasons, hate the fumes, loved my bike. Now i am thinking i am an arsehole, it would have given me freedom during the pandemic! Principles eh? Shit changes.

I guess we all make a few mistakes, with good intentions.

That said, i dont paint from life, but would love to get out there more. Thank you :)

Doesn't matter if you don't usually paint from life and doesn't matter if you can't find somewhere amazing. Walk to somewhere and be outside, in the cold, with your paints. If you say or pm your town, I'll find you where to go and instruct you that you must (extrinsic motivation might work better than relying on intrinsic).

Even though you don't want to change the kind of art you do, maybe try doing a different creative activity? Something you've always liked the sound of but definitely isn't your 'real' work (or work at all). You sound a bit drained and it's easy to start feeling creatively empty, sometimes a totally different approach can get you interested again.

Also it's a bit of a cliché but I think The Artist's Way is very good for this kind of stuckness.

It sounds trite but you just have to start.
Put paint on paper, even if you're uninspired and produce a load of rubbish, force yourself to start and do it for a minimum of an hour, every day for a week.

The biggest predictor of what you'll do tomorrow is what you do today - habit!
So you have to make painting a habit again, even if it's forced and uninspired. Eventually the creative juices will flow again and it will feel comfortable and natural but to get to that point you have to push yourself

I felt like this when my parents died. I was about your age when my last parent died. You are an adult orphan and it's a change in identity. It changes how you relate to the world and that takes some navigating.

Perimenopause?

Sounds like grief. Could u benefit from some counselling?

I can definitely empathise. My nan passed away recently and i run a little creative business. I was (and still am really) absolutely stuck when it came to creating. Thinking about doing anything business related brought on panic attacks (i suffer from an anxiety disorder so I'm not just being dramatic) id try and give myself a pep talk but putting more pressure on made it all worse. It almost felt disloyal to continue with this when she's not here anymore - like it's an outward sign I've moved on when i haven't. Plus my persona for my online business is happy happy and i just don't feel that. You're grieving. Be kind to yourself. One day your drive to create will come back.

If you really want to push back into it, which i felt i had to as well, i've kind of broken the problem down into tiny parts. I've changed it from my craft to yours but you get the idea. The first step could be to get your paintbrushes and pencils and paper out. Just put some marks or paint on the paper, you don't need to do anything else if you don't want to. If that's all you can manage, that's fine. Do a bit more tomorrow. It doesn't need to be anything in particular - just do something. Then the next day try a bit more. Leave the pens and paper out somewhere you go regularly like the kitchen side. See if you fancy sketching a bit while you put the kettle on. If not, no big deal. Try doing something that's not all all related to what you normally do - if you normally paint animals, then why not try a landscape, or try a different art style to your normal one.

But if you don't want to do it yet - don't. It's ok.

Nothing much to add except to agree that it might well be caused by grief. Similar happened to my best friend. She was robbed of vitality for ages.
As an alternative to art how about a craft or making something. Pottery or wood working. Something completely different and not traditional sewing or crochet.
Good luck, I hope you sort yourself a counsellor or someone IRL to talk in depth with.

Someone else has already suggested this, OP, but Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way might give you what you need, if you don't know about it, Google. I am about to finish a novel begun in 2013 or 14 (so long ago, I can't remember) that I could not touch for literally often months at a time, but 'morning pages' helped me in those dead times. Might there be an online group of creatives/artists you could join? Good luck.

I wonder if it would be worth signing up to join some kind of art or craft group, or maybe volunteering your skills in some way, could you eg facilitate a simple painting session for people, say in a care home or through some local group? Sometimes helping others helps you too.

Artist of diff sorts here too. I don't totally rely on my arts as income either and I think that changes my inspiration and work flow. There are times before a new wave of muse and creativity breaks through that I feel dormant. I think its part of the process. I call it chrysalis time. To kick start I set myself a goal and tell people so I keep to it. A little research online often makes me go 'noooo, do it like this...' and there I am covered in paint again.

Loss and grief changed the nature of my work, that took a while to adjust to.

I’m going to turn this on it’s head. Life is shit for a lot of people right now. If you hate your grim town why not get out there and paint it. A bit like a war artist. Maybe painting from life in all its grimness will cheer you up or at least give you a fresh outlook.

I don't mean to undermine or doubt you by saying this, but maybe it is at least partially grief? I think grief can manifest in all sorts of ways.
In any case it is a big shift in your life, finances and identity. On top of the Covid shake-up.
There's a lot happening to you at the moment. Don't call yourself an arse. Give yourself a break.

Having said that, on the need to earn money and work, I hear you! (I'm self-employed/freelance too).
I do agree with the advice to get out, get moving, and put paint or pencil to paper. Doesn't matter what you produce.

And I agree about The Artist's Way. Yes, maybe it's mentioned a lot, but it's popular and often-cited for a reason.

Good luck. Get going!

You may know depression but do you know anxiety? Anxiety doesn't feel how you'd expect, it can be invisible but manifest as physical symptoms. For me a major symptom was being rooted to the spot, unable to take actions that were so natural before.

I have been treated and it's made a world of difference.

Just a thought - I got a lot of praise from my parents for my arts, but now they have gone, I have to big up myself. Find your best work, look how good it is.

Massive life changes and grief, combine that with peri-menopause, and it's a recipe for disaster.

It does sound like a combination of grief and covid ennui (which seems to be affecting us all). Not a great time to feel like this as it's harder to get out of a rut during covid. My suggestion is to try painting the worst possible picture that you can. It'll give you a laugh if nothing else, there is something quite freeing in making something ridiculously awful. I hope you feel better soon x

Hugs, sounds like you're having a rough time

Can I suggest you perhaps speak to someone at your local hospice? They will have bereavement counsellors and support groups that you'll be able to access to help you come to terms with what you've been through over the last 2 years. They will be free to access and you don't necessarily have to have contact with them previously.

Many also have creative support groups for patients. Whilst these might not be quite right as they might be aimed at patients, you might find that you could volunteer at one and thus start rebuilding things slowly xx

Have you heard of languishing? It's become a very real thing in the pandemic "Are You Languishing? Here's What To Know" www.verywellmind.com/languishing-is-the-mood-of-2021-5180999

This, combined with your grief, may explain what you're feeling.

It's very difficult to be creative if you aren't emotionally at peace - dealing with your grief and lack of direction, or finding a purpose might help?

I felt similar after losing my dad. I'm not an artist but, do a job I normally love and am passionate about. I'd complete lost my mojo with it. I felt numb for a while. This was 10 years ago. I can't imagine how horrible it must be losing both parents at the same time and during a depressing global pandemic which cuts you off from the normal routine/supports and joy of life.

I went to bereavement counselling which was fantastic for unpicking the feelings beneath and helping me move forward.

It gave me the chance to zoom out on my life and led me to work abroad and do something I would never have the guts to do normally. It was exactly what I needed.

It sounds for you like driving would open up new opportunities for you and be something to focus on. Also can you get away somewhere totally different? Hard with covid I know.

I came back from this period having grown and changed for the better, so good can come from sadness and grief.

Twenty years ago DH and I still had two generations above us as he had a very elderly great aunt and uncle. She lived till she was 101. Now we have one parent alive and MIL is almost 80. You start to feel your own mortality and being the oldest generation feels weird.

I also think that the general feel is quite low overall at the minute as soon as a new variant appears there is a definite dip in the vibe overall.

Force yourself to go for a walk in nature and look up through trees, it is the one thing that always lifts me.