BIL moved in with us

10 replies

fatherfurlong · 09/12/2021 22:49

BIL moved in with us about 18 months ago. He had been living with another family member and they fell out plus he was out of work. I had made the suggestion to my husband as we had had my Mum living with us for several years and I thought it only fair to offer help as we had the room. He said it was until he could sort himself out.
He got the smallest room in the house which was the only one vacant and is no trouble- we all get on well however….
It was agreed when he moved in he would pay £65pw, he wasn’t working then. After about 9 months he got a job but he is still paying the same amount. This covers everything: all meals, internet access, heating etc. He is easy going but has never, as a gesture, said I’ll get us a take away tonight to save you cooking, nor has he offered to pay more since he has found employment, nor does he help in little ways like unloading the dishwasher or offering to get any shopping. It is starting to get to me because if it were me living under somebody else’s roof I would make these gestures of goodwill.
Both my husband and I are living off pensions and I think it would be entirely reasonable for him to pay more. I don’t mind him staying but I think we could justifiable expect more what do others think?

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 09/12/2021 22:56

You just need to be open. Say "You're a great housemate but we've been struggling a bit for money lately so it would be wonderful if you could up your contribution"

Have a figure in mind...so when he responds you can tell him,

By the sound of it, he'll just agree. If he splutters and fusses, say "Well, we can't keep you here unless you chip in properly...we're not made of money. You can decide if you want to stay and pay the extra but I need an answer by tomorrow"

And then "tomorrow" ask him outright.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2021 22:58

Why haven't you just told him you need him to be more helpful around the house?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 09/12/2021 22:58

Could you use the pretext of energy prices and food prices having gone up? Because they really, really have.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/12/2021 23:01

What @FortunesFave said. Plus even if he does agree to pay more, he can still contribute to the running of the household as well. As part of the conversation say you'd like him to take over responsibility for one meal a week, whether he cooks it or orders a takeaway. Plus take turns at cleaning communal areas he uses.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/12/2021 23:02

Tell him you want to renegotiate his rent, now he's working. Pick an amount that you're truly happy with and if he agrees, great. If he doesn't he will need to move out, as your feelings of resentment will grow.

Cocomarine · 09/12/2021 23:04

Although approx £260 a month is cheap as chips compared to a house share, it sounds like it would cover the additional cost of him. It certainly isn’t a nominal charge for someone only on JSA whilst unemployed.
So I can just about see that he might not feel the need to also show appreciation through takeaways, or to increase it now he’s earning. I’m not saying he shouldn’t - I actually think he should! But I can see that he might think he’s properly paying his way in terms of cost to you. Especially if it’s more than he paid the previous family member?

I can’t fathom how you ever let him think that not pitching in with cooking / household chores though!

It does make me wonder… does he see his own brother doing feck all whilst you shop and cook? Have you shown him that’s women’s work in your household?

I don’t know about the money, that depends on several things. But on the housework - tell his brother to speak to him tomorrow and say, “stop taking the piss”!

Cocomarine · 09/12/2021 23:12

I’m not sure that the pension income is a reason for him to propose paying more himself though. Presumably he doesn’t know what your pension income is, and actually if you’re already a pensioner you might have a good final salary pension and actually be pretty well off. Plus he’d think you set the £65pw in full knowledge of your income / expected pension income.

It’s reasonable for him to think that you’ve set an amount you’re happy with.

It’s not reasonable for the entitled lazy arse to sit around whilst you cook for him!!

HollowTalk · 09/12/2021 23:25

No because that amount was when he was unemployed. It's obvious that when he starts to work he should pay more.

Do you actually want him to stay living there and pay more or do you want him to leave? He's paying a ridiculously low rent so hopefully he's got a lot of savings that he could put into a deposit and rent advance.

AnotherMansCause · 09/12/2021 23:37

"He said it was until he could sort himself out."

He's got a job now, so when does he plan to move out? I'd be asking him how well he's doing with looking for his own place. If he says he's not looking, increase the rent in line with what you'd get for a lodger. And sort a proper lodger contract, if that ship hasn't already sailed? And, he needs to pitch in with household duties or you will be charging for those too.

RoastPotatoQueen · 09/12/2021 23:42

I would ask him now he's in a secure job when does he plan to move out as he's back on his feet now. No need to continue to live with you.

Flip