Find it hard to spend time with an old friend

[Invisiblewoman1]

I have a friend I’ve known for 20 years. But right now I find it too hard hanging out with her. We got married the same year and I’m now divorced. She had a baby the time me and my ex started trying for a family. She had her second when we were failing ivf.
It’s just so painful to hear about her life. It’s not her fault.
Do I put myself first and cancel plans to see her (YANBU)
Or do I put my friendship first and suck it up if it makes me feel in pain (YABU)

Friendships are meant to bring you warmth and joy, not pain.

I would let her know that you need a bit of a break and tell her why. Let her know that you know it's not her fault but you are having a hard time at the moment and need a bit of time out.

Hopefully she will understand .

I don’t think yabu as you’ve had a really tough time and are entitled to your feelings. Seems sad to lose a friendship though, unless she’s being unbearable. Have you got someone to talk to about all this in RL?

I am the friend in this situation. My friend doesn’t want to see me and has told me she needs some time out. I would happily sit and just talk about her the whole time and offer her my support if it meant I could see her. I can’t tell you how much it hurts to be kept at arms length.

Ghosted a friend for similar-ish. I cant deal with it. Not ideal but it is just how it is. Tried to put it aside bu couldnt.

Try not to isolate yourself from support networks.

I remember having similar "jealousy" when my baby was born disabled and I was overcome with irrational hatred for other mums with healthy babies. I couldn't socialise with them because of my intense pain and feelings of injustice, despite the fact they were all lovely. It took me years to be able to see them on a social level. But if it's far too painful you may have to find other friendships.

What was your friendship based on pre-kids? Was there a hobby / interest that you could limit your socialising to? Is she sensitive to your situation? If she is not I wouldn’t expose yourself to it.

That's very sad OP but I understandable. Might be worth explaining to your friend, if she is a very good one, after all, she has done nothing wrong (and neither have you).

Your post resonates deeply with me. Slightly different circumstances though. I had a very close friend pre-children, did everything together and even later on, she was my bridesmaid. She now has 3 children and is seperated.

I moved away some years ago, but return to the area often and always make a effort to keep in touch and try to meet up. The last time I organised a meet up she texted the day before saying another friend was having a tricky time and needed to see her! Unknown to my 'friend', I'd just lost my 1st pregnancy due to a genetic issue.

I've now have had 3 MC's and 2 rounds of IVF- I have no children. None of which this 'friend' is aware of. I do find it hard that she wasn't there when I would have appreciated a chat whereas I was there for all her issues at the time.

You need to look after yourself firstly. Do you have other friends/family you can chat too? Have you told your friend why its so painful? They may have no clue

Yabu. Comparison is the thief of joy in this scenario why lose the friendship by being jealous, assuming that she is a good friend.

I didn’t cancel and actually had a really lovely time. I think grief has made me quite isolated so it was nice to connect again.

That’s lovely to hear. I suspect just acknowledging your own personal pain allowed you to process it and become more resilient which in turn made space for your friendship and fun. Good for you.

Well done for going

For the future, would you feel able to tell her you’re struggling to hear about those particular topics but would still like to see her?

Other ideas would be to go for activities- go see a film together, or a cocktail making / printmaking workshop or something that floats your boat, and a drink beforehand, so you keep the contact up but the evening isn’t just about talking?

Hope 2022 is a good one for you x

OP I’m so so pleased for you!
Very best wishes for you

I'm glad that you went and enjoyed yourself. I was in a similar situation 5 years ago. My best childhood friend and I both coincidentally did ivf at the same time, I wasnt aware she was having treatment but she knew I was. I had a miscarriage and only weeks later she rang me to tell me she was pregnant and I was totally blindsided as I knew she had a lot of fertility issues but she'd never mentioned treatment. It made it harder as we were the last 2 in the friendship circle to not have children. Her child was born 2 weeks after mine was due. She was extremely understanding though when I said I was struggling, she totally understood and has always been sensitive to that which I was grateful for. I actually found avoiding her made it worse so once her child was 1 I made myself meet up more often and it got easier over time. A year ago she rang me to tell me she was pregnant again (I of course was happy for her but I found it really tough but kept my feelings ti myself) but 2 months later I found out I was pregnant too after 8 years of trying. I did worry that if something happened it would be history repeating itself. Thankfully that didn't happen and we both now have daughters 4 months apart which is something lovely to share and it's like we have come full circle so I'm glad I didn't shut her out 5 years ago because sometimes I felt like it. The moral of the story is you never know what is around the corner, I hope 2022 is a good one for you!