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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents treating sister like a baby.

20 replies

Userno63637348 · 08/12/2021 19:26

NC. Don't want this to be outing.

I'm oldest of 4. My mum had me and db when quite young and re married when I was about 10 and had 2 more kids. Quite a bit younger than me. One still in secondary school and the other 19.

I am concerned about the 19 year old. I shouldn't compare but I was fiercely independent at that age - I had to be. I actually moved out fairly young. I didn't have a great time at home. My mother is very over bearing. But I did have to pay for everything by myself from a young age if I wanted new clothes or a phone or whatever.

19 year old goes to college twice a week but literally doesn't do anything between then other than sit in her room, she won't go to the shop to herself because she's 'scared'. Parents baby her so she's always been quite young for her age (no sen btw!). They've put the fear in her with a lot of things.

She would get the bus to college and the stop is only about 1/4 of a mile from their house in a very safe neighbourhood, but they pick her up from the bus stop. I'd understand if it was dark but quite often she's back in daylight as college is only 10 minutes away so n it a long bus journey. Sometimes they drive her to college right outside the door so she doesn't have to get the bus.

She doesn't go out with friends despite actually having quite a lot of friends, she doesn't really do anything. She often hangs around with her 13 year old sisters friends instead.

She's never been encouraged to get a PT job. There are plenty of weekend/school holiday jobs where we live due to it being a touristy place. My summer jobs were the best memories of my life when I was 15-19ish. I have very fond memories and earning your own money is great right? They buy her everything - the latest phones, clothes and make up! She just hands everything handed on a plate.

She can't speak on the phone with anyone or go to to an appointment alone. Back along she went to a routine app and because of covid she was expected to go alone being 19 but she refused to go at all (as above no sen)!

My mother is totally at fault by saying things like she's 'too young' for stuff. But at 19 she needs to be encouraged to do something and pushed out of her comfort zone!

She can't make food or drink for herself. It's just all a bit odd. She doesn't have to life a finger in the house.

I know she's still young but I just feel like she needs to be encouraged to do some things for her own good.

Aibu? It's not really my place to say but I feel like she's never going to have any confidence.

They won't leave her at gome on her own because she's too young.

I just don't understand.

She's not allowed to learn to drive.

My mum has always been over bearing but my teen years were totally different to my sisters still! I was working, driving, going out and about etc.

As above, no sen at all. Just never being encouraged to do anything.

I'm just worried about her future!

OP posts:

Goldilocks99 · 08/12/2021 20:05

A couple of things could be at play here.

You say no Sen, but a lot of what you've described sounds like autism to me. Anxiety about speaking on the phone, avoiding social situations, more comfortable with younger people.

The world has changed beyond recognition in the last few years. You can't really compare your generation with this one. A lot of freedoms previously enjoyed by generations are not possible due to changes in population, lifestyle etc. Then there's covid. Lots of normal people have become anxious about social situations and even social people have had opportunities stripped away.

Social media and internet friends are a thing now. Too much time indoors on the net is a problem not exclusive to her, it's a problem with the whole generation.

Is she happy? That's what I'd be asking myself and if not how could I guide her to happiness.

Bobsyer · 08/12/2021 20:12

You say no Sen, but a lot of what you've described sounds like autism to me. Anxiety about speaking on the phone, avoiding social situations, more comfortable with younger people

Tbh, all of that (barring the more comfortable with younger people) sounds like almost every single young person or ‘funny’ tweet about being social. It’s a thing these days to be insular and anxiety ridden about every normal everyday activity. Also not sure what you really mean here as most of your post doesn’t actually address what OP is actually concerned about.

@Userno63637348 I’m with you OP. It’s concerning that she’s ‘scared’ of everything and can’t do a single thing for herself.

Not much you can do though, sounds like she and your mum are happy with it.

LittleGwyneth · 08/12/2021 20:14

I only know a handful of teenagers in this age bracket but I have been pretty amazed by how much younger they are than I was at that point in my life. I wonder if part of our elongated lifespans might be that childhood is getting longer and teenagers are acting more like children?

Original poster

Userno63637348 · 08/12/2021 20:15

@Goldilocks99 both my children are on the spectrum. To me I don't think she has sen but who knows. She's just never been encouraged and doesn't have confidence to do anything or just simply never needed to as never had to!

OP posts:

Original poster

Userno63637348 · 08/12/2021 20:17

@Bobsyer thank you, no there's nothing I can do but I worry hugely that she'll never gain any confidence! 😢

OP posts:

LawnFever · 08/12/2021 20:17

Sounds like your mum doesn’t want her to have independence or grow up, at 19 technically she’s an adult and being scared of calling someone, not being able to make food or be left alone is frankly bizarre if no SEN.

What’s she studying at college? Might she want to go to uni?

Original poster

Userno63637348 · 08/12/2021 20:18

@LittleGwyneth

I think you could be right. I'm only early 30's but I do feel that it was a totally different life when I was a teen!

OP posts:

Original poster

Userno63637348 · 08/12/2021 20:22

@LawnFever

What’s she studying at college? Might she want to go to uni?

I don't want to say as don't want any guessing games who I am. Not sure if my family are on here. She did mention uni but my mum downplayed it saying she couldn't go because sister couldn't cope or would have to travel to and from each day despite there being no uni close. I didn't go to uni myself, wasn't for me but db did - my mum tried to tell him not to go (not just in a light hearted way) cos she would miss him, kicked up a massive fuss. She's very over protective but at the same time lacks any boundaries discipline wise!

OP posts:

HikingforScenery · 08/12/2021 20:23

Sounds like your parents have made so many accommodations for ‘how she is’. It reads to me like she’s SEN tbh. They made the allowances so she’s not needed the support. Might be time for them to start ‘pushing’ her, determine the support she needs and find it for her. Poor girl. Her parents won’t be around forever

HeartRainbow87 · 08/12/2021 20:27

You’ve posted this before

Babyvenusplant · 08/12/2021 20:28

What is your youngest ds like? Is she the same

Original poster

Userno63637348 · 08/12/2021 20:29

@HikingforScenery

I'm not so sure about sen having sen children myself. I know that no two people with any kind of sen is the same (including my own dc) but when she was little she was always incredibly bright for her age, switched on and I remember you could have a full on conversation with her by the time she was 1 year old - incredibly early to talk! Nothing had ever suggested it imo! She does have issues with anxiety though... imo it's a confidence issue and my mother making her scared of her own shadow.

I just hope that she comes out of her shell one day 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

Userno63637348 · 08/12/2021 20:30

@Babyvenusplant

What is your youngest ds like? Is she the same

She has a totally different personality. She's a bit of a rebel at the minute but again my mum doesn't let her do much!

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 08/12/2021 20:34

I have step kids snd nieces, nephews etc around this age, and none of then are anything like this. It’s certainly not normal at this extreme end.

Is it anxiety? Why are your parents facilitating it? Could you think about a plan to get her slowly moving? If your mum is part of the problem could you have a gentle chat w your stepdad?

Stomacharmeleon · 08/12/2021 20:37

Can't you take her out? Sow some seeds? Ask her to babysit- anything to liberate her :)

heidbuttsupper · 08/12/2021 20:41

Hi op I work in HE in a student facing role. Your sister sounds exactly like at least 95% of the students I see

Fredstheteds · 08/12/2021 20:52

I think back to me at 19- spent 3 weeks in Kenya ....

I have student houses and now 19 year olds.... omg honestly they can hardly cope without input. I’m not their mother

Rno3gfr · 08/12/2021 21:02

It’s concerning that they won’t “let her” drive considering they’re willing to pay for her lifestyle in every other way. It sounds like they’re keeping her young and dependent on purpose.

My SIL couldn’t call and make a doctors appointment for herself at 19 and also made her mum come with her. I was astounded. Her mum is a good mum but did way too much for her and made way too many allowances for rude behaviour that I wouldn’t even expect from a bratty 12 year old. If she can’t be bothered to learn how to do something then her mum just does it for her. Her mum still has to tell her when to pay her bills (she lives at home so has hardly any) and has to sort out her work issues for her or she’ll just be content with having no job. She’s 24 now. I think a lot of this behaviour is down to helicopter parenting and parents who are scared to let their children “fail”.

MrsMiddleMother · 08/12/2021 21:20

Yanbu and honestly it sounds like your mum has made her so anxiety ridden and babied her to the point she's still a young child. Like a lot of adults on here I was working at 16, moved out at 18 and married at 20. Obviously not saying that's what she should do, but she should definitely have a higher level of independence she's an adult.

I'd be having a sit down with your mother and explaining your concerns. It's all very unhealthy and will only get worse to the point she's completely housebound.

TakeMe2Insanity · 08/12/2021 21:47

Do you think it is precisely because you had to leave early/ become independent early that your mum realises that it was too soon and now trying to do things differently this time round?

I think as PP have mentioned spend time with your sister away from your mum, introduce her to new things/experiences show her the world she can access alone. Sometimes it’s quite hard to find the courage to do things when you have been sheltered. Just keep encouraging her. Maybe buy her a travel book or something to show there is a where she is?

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