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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you have dietary requirements you should stick to them?

61 replies

robertabrown · 08/12/2021 11:24

I recently hosted a dinner party for ten. So lots of cooking.

One guest let me know that they have dietary requirements, dairy and gluten free, and an allergy to another very common ingredient. Yikes I thought. So I spent a good chunk of time finding a recipe that she could eat. I sent it to her to check and she said great thanks yes I can eat that. She did offer to help cook, but I personally find having new people around the kitchen to be a faff. So I pre prepared the dish.

On the evening I served it to her and she appreciated that we had gone the extra mile and even bought in a separate starter and separate pudding for her. This was because her dietaries made it impossible to find dishes that we all wanted.

She then questioned me why she wasn’t having the roast lamb. I explained it was because we had used flour (gluten) in the making, and cooked it in a jus that contained the other ingredient she was allergic too. Following her eating this, she then tucked in to every single dish that contained the ingredients she said she couldn’t eat. She ate cake made with butter and milk and flour.

She said oh it’ll be fine, I might get a bit of tummy upset.

So I realised that I had bent over backwards to prepare a meal that she could eat, when she could eat what we were all eating anyway. This came at a financial cost, and a time one. Plus we only have one small oven so was hard to time the other dishes around hers.

Aibu to think that if you say you have a dietary requirement that you stick to it?

OP posts:

thenightsky · 08/12/2021 11:46

@MaskingForIt

YANBU. See also pescatarians who claim to be vegetarian and then eat fish.

DH does that. Drives me fucking nuts.

Fairyliz · 08/12/2021 11:47

This reminds me of the time when I worked at a primary school.
We used to arrange for Santa to come around and give all of the children a bag of chocolate during the last week.
I was aware that a couple of children couldn’t have dairy, so when I was sorting everything out (in my own time) I made sure we had dairy free chocolate clearly marked for these children.
At the end of the day I had one of the dairy free mums screaming at me because her daughter was upset to have different chocolate to her friend. When I tried to explain mum said ‘oh chocolate won’t hurt her when she eats it with her friends’

gogohm · 08/12/2021 11:48

Annoying isn't it - vegans who magically eat cheesecake was my experience, my own dd will be at desserts containing gelatine especially after drinking and never checks alcohol to see if vegetarian (that said I've been known to fish the chorizo out of her portion of paella!)

MangoM · 08/12/2021 11:51

@MaskingForIt

YANBU. See also pescatarians who claim to be vegetarian and then eat fish.

Even worse, I had a friend at uni that said she was vegetarian but ate chicken on occasion

Mumdiva99 · 08/12/2021 11:51

My aunt is coeliac and does this. But.....she spend her life restricting her food.....just occasionally she'll eat a piece of the gluten containing cake and suffer for it later. We make sure there are GF choices, but I turn a blind eye if she deviates as it's ultimately her choice.

gogohm · 08/12/2021 11:52

Though in this case I'm unsure why the lamb couldn't be gf, I've never used flour myself. Separate gravy (from a packet is fine or use gf stock cube and some red currant jelly

Shedmistress · 08/12/2021 11:52

@Marvellousmadness

What a fkn bitch move

This.

Having been that person that genuinely couldn't eat dairy for a decade, I'm livid at her and thank you for taking the time and expense and say 'don't host her again'.

Negligee · 08/12/2021 11:58

@Mumdiva99

Which is her decision, obviously, but if you're being hosted by someone who has gone to a lot of trouble to source ingredients and cook food you can eat, it's a pretty 'fuck you' move. Not to mention deeply unhelpful to those people who don't/can't deviate from their allergy-free diets, vegetarians who don't, ever, eat meat or fish etc.

I remember once staying at a country house hotel and the owners saying that they had once been asked to provide a special dinner for a group of people staying that had needed to cater for a specific set of allergies and be vegetarian , and they'd gone to a lot of trouble to get it right and to make it as special as their usual food offerings. Only to find the next morning that the same people were horsing into the sausages, eggs etc on the breakfast buffet.

Glentheredbeakbattleostrich · 08/12/2021 12:03

I prefer to be gluten free as it triggers my ibs and eczema but i would never ask others to go out of their way because of my preference. i either bring my own or eat what im given.

Hillarious · 08/12/2021 12:09

@gogohm

Though in this case I'm unsure why the lamb couldn't be gf, I've never used flour myself. Separate gravy (from a packet is fine or use gf stock cube and some red currant jelly

Plus cornflour can be used.

Sarahplane · 08/12/2021 12:15

YANBU. My DH is lactose intolerant so dairy free but a lot stricter with some things than others because he knows what will make him suffer and what won't (a small amount of butter baked into a cake would be OK for example) but he'll also sometimes have a small amount of icecream or cheese on pizza because he feels its worth suggesting for. He will suffer for it but sometimes chooses to have a small amount of something he really likes. He also knows how much he can get away with before he would feel really ill. He is mostly pretty strict though. Choosing to suffer for something at home is one thing but when someone else has made the effort to make him something dairy free would be totally taking the piss. He did this at a wedding once tasted a bit of my pudding when he'd been given fruit salad. We had words, it's just so embarrassing and then people think you are taking the piss when he really is lactose intolerant.

CovidCorvid · 08/12/2021 12:19

And the sad thing is people like this make it harder for genuine coeliacs. Dd would be vomiting for days if she had even a tiny bit of cross contamination. But if you had a friend like this some people could think that a bit of whatever won’t matter.

muddyford · 08/12/2021 12:22

A friend cooked for us and another couple. The male partner who was supposedly eating dairy-free, ate the separate cheese sauce with the steamed cauliflower. My friend was annoyed as obviously cauliflower cheese is nicer with the cauliflower cooked in the cheese sauce. He then had double cream with his crumble and some cheese and biscuits.

Franca123 · 08/12/2021 12:23

I've got an allergy which has become much less severe over the years. I always tell people to not go to any particular bother but please just nothing dripping in dairy (lasagne, creamy sauces etc......). I think it's incredibly rude what uout friend did. And it's my issue not the hosts. So i never expect anything special in the way of starter or pudding. I just hope there's enough of a main course that I can eat.

cadburyegg · 08/12/2021 12:24

YANBU, I have coeliac and am well used to fielding comments such as "surely just a little bit won't hurt" and "you need to start eating gluten to build up your tolerance again" thanks to people like this.

Franca123 · 08/12/2021 12:27

I should also put a word in for the people who have allergies. I have a family member with the same allergy as me who when out will eat all sorts he shouldn't. Then just deals with consequences!!!!! Horrifies me. But if something looks really yummy, you convince yourself it's OK. I was in a right mess when I ate too many pastries in France. But making someone go to special effort isn't OK.

BeyondOurReef · 08/12/2021 12:29

The point isn’t whether lamb or gravy could have been made GF or whatever. It’s the fucking cheek of it all.

If you don’t cook gluten free food regularly, you aren’t going to be making all the GF substitutions/cross-contamination avoidance practices as standard. You probably aren’t even thinking about them.

In my experience, it actually is the better and safer thing when people just make a specific GF dish. Because it might be really easy for me to think ‘well I can just use cornflour/GF flour and GF stock, and so on’, but that’s because I’m used to considering this stuff.

Gluten is in lots of stuff that people who aren’t used to cooking GF just don’t even consider (why would they?). And it’s very easy to accidentally cross contaminate things.

The same applies to dairy free and many other dietary issues. Given that even people who are doing this everyday still have to check things and be careful, it really is not fair to complain that someone decided to go the safe path and just make (or buy) a separate dish they’re sure is suitable alongside whatever they were cooking anyway.

SpindlesWinterWhorl · 08/12/2021 12:29

I wonder if the mystery ingredient was onions / onion family? And if the guest was low-Fodmapping, rather than having known intolerances or allergies? It's to help people learn to avoid foods that can tigger IBS.

kennelmaid · 08/12/2021 12:29

I agree with @Hillarious, sensible and pragmatic, no drama

GreenVia · 08/12/2021 12:32

YANBU

My 18 years old niece decided she is lastose interant and was a real pain to feed during holidays..We had to find special restaurants that had stuff she could eat etc.

Fast forward several weeks and I spot her putting diary milk into her coffee...

I don't bother listening to the newest requirements anymore..

Hillarious · 08/12/2021 12:34

@kennelmaid - you're welcome to a sensible and pragmatic dinner at my house any time.

mustlovegin · 08/12/2021 12:45

Your guest is out of order (and she may be damaging her health). YANBU OP

QuitMoaning · 08/12/2021 12:51

We had a large family gathering a few days after Christmas for a birthday. A family member had switched to vegan a month or so previously and wanted a particular meal. I worked with the restaurant on providing a suitable dish as everyone else was having a set menu where the vegetarian option was put suitable for a vegan.

Whilst the meal was being served he told us all how he wasn’t a serious vegan, and even had eaten turkey at the Christmas meal. The staff heard.
I was furious. He could have had the vegetarian option and not caused extra headaches for the restaurant and me.

Pythonesque · 08/12/2021 12:59

I tend to ask what someone is planning to make, and then work out what substitutions or alterations might be helpful. So if I was told they were planning roast lamb, I'd probably offer to bring along some GF flour for the gravy, if they were happy with that.

I have to be strict with gluten (none of the coeliacs in my family tolerate so-called "gluten-free" oats either), but can get away with some dairy so usually take a risk on it. Occasionally that may backfire if presented with a very dairy heavy dish but I don't eat out very often nowadays anyway!

PegasusReturns · 08/12/2021 13:09

Your friend was rude.

But I do have some sympathy. As someone who loves food but has intolerances that make me feel quite unwell at times it can be very difficult to manage. Just because something makes you ill doesn’t stop you wanting it.

Like with any diet it’s easy to start with good intentions, but when beautiful food that I should not eat is laid in front of my sometimes the temptation is too great.

I always pay for it in the end but it often feels worth it at the time.

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