Stories about returning to work...

[SAHMcookandcleaner]

My DC are 6 & 8. I have been a SAHM since my youngest was born but I am so ready now to get back to work.

I hate the drudgery of being at home. I used to love work and using my brain. Speaking to people!

However, my DH is a high earner and works long hours. We have never had to worry about childcare before - I have done it all. I do it all round the house too.

I received a job offer today, a part time role (3 days a week) in London. The commute is 45mins - 1hr which isn't great but otherwise it is perfect. I was so happy! I called DH and he has put a downer on the whole thing - what about the DC? How unfair to leave them at after school club! What about the holidays? He wants us to discuss it tonight.

He changed jobs at the beginning of the year and barely discussed it with me, let alone asked my opinion.
He does the school run when he feels like it, will never be pinned down to a routine and if I ever mention that I want to go out for an evening/ need him home I swear that he ensures he is later than usual - take tonight, he knows I need to give an answer to this job tomorrow but hasn't even left his office yet for us to have our discussion.

We have spoken about me getting a job numerous times - before Covid but then lockdowns etc - he always says supportive things but his reaction today shows me that he doesn't actually mean it. He is surprised I got the job - tbh so am I, I have been out of the game for almost 9 years and this was my first interview for almost 20 years.

We don't need me to work financially and so it does feel selfish. However I also think DH has it easy at the moment and he, selfishly, doesn't want that to change.

I need some life back. Plus, although we have joint finances I do feel I do not have an equal say in what we spend, he always has the final say. I want a little bit of independence back.

Can I please have stories about how you made it work? Their school have wraparound care 7.45am - 6pm but it is expensive - for 2 DC it will be over £100 a week. I am also looking into childminders.
However, these children are used to going into school at 8.40am and being picked up at 3.20pm and having dinner at home and so on, they won't be getting home until around 6pm on my work days - is it too much in one go?
There may be scope for one day a week WFH and DH works from home 2/3 days a week but he varies which days he goes in and from his reaction today it was clear he doesn't expect to be doing any childcare during the week.

It is not selfish. Tell him to go part time if he is so concerned or stay at home himself

Fuck that. Take the job. No discussion with him. Get yourself some independence.

Your DH is a cock.

Why should you stay at home doing the drudge work when he doesn't have the courtesy to treat you as an equal adult with equal needs for a job and some respect?

If finances are joint then he'll be paying half the childcare costs anyway. £50 a week is doable - and it will be worth it for 3 days a week work. I wouldn't be discussing it with him - or at least I'd give it the cursory chat he bothered to give you when he decided to change jobs. He doesn't get a say, imo.

He's a high earner working long hours because you have facilitated this and made it easy for him. It's now time for him to pull his weight a bit more as a husband and father.

You have a DH problem!

Well it’s clear he doesn’t take you seriously.. and he doesn’t like the idea of loosing his cool/nanny/maid.

Don’t get into a debate, just tell him you need to go back to work for your sanity, and thus it’s to everyone’s good. Tell him he needs to cover X night. Put the kids in after school. Hire a cleaner. Buy some m and s meals if you aren’t a batch cook. Kids will be fine. End of.

Best you get back to work. He doesn’t sound great.

Absolutely take the job, they are both your children. Don’t give him the option to tell you if you can accept a job, tell him you both need to find a way to make it work. Tell him to bring you solutions, you don’t want to hear problems.

Being a SAHM is great if that’s what you want, but most mothers work now, there is no way I wouldn’t have at least some financial independence.

Thanks all. I don't feel quite so bad now.

We have talked about him putting in a flexible working request many times but I doubt he will ever do it.

He likes being the martyr who has to work to keep us all.

Take the job. How often do you think people out of work for 9 years get a job offer for 3 days a week? I'll tell you: hardly ever. I looked for ages when I went back and it was knockback after knockback.

The kids will manage. Your H will manage - but you need to just stop doing everything rather than try to negotiate by the sound of it. Leave the gap for him to fill. If he continues being a cock about it at least you have some financial independence to rely on if it goes tits up.

I'm not saying it will be easy, but it will definitely, definitely be worth it. You are not your family's serf.

I’m in a similar position with being a SAHM but am starting a full time course next year. I told my husband, I didn’t ask, and he’s fully supportive.

He’s going to have to buck his ideas up sharing the load a bit, which he’ll find hard (or probably throw cash at a cleaner).

I think you just need to take the job, the kids will be fine, going to a childminders is like a play date each day!

Take the job before he gets back, don't discuss it with him and have him try to convince/force you to turn it down.

I went back to work this year. DH stepped up. We're still finding our routine and it was definitely easier for him when I was at home but that's not the priority. My kids adapted fine - dd1 uses school wrap around care and dd2 is in a private nursery. They took a few months to settle into the new routine but they are completely fine now.

I think going back to work is a bit like having kids - it's never a good time, you always have concerns about how you'll cope, and yes, life gets busier and a bit harder. But it's worth it. Do you just have to do it.

Ah this was me 6 months ago, DC same age, DH high earner/unpredictable demanding job, me bored SAHM. I got a job, again 20
years since my last interview.

Congratulations, it’s a big achievement and you should feel really bloody proud.

Unlike your DH, mine has thankfully been supportive and not a dick. We’ve always had equal say in and access to finances. He’s pretty decent domestically. It helps that we both worked demanding jobs when Dc were little so he has some experience of having to do some childcare, bedtimes so I could work.

They will be absolutely fine in after school care 3 days a week. You can’t wfh while looking after them and neither can your DH. £100 a week is nothing if he’s a high earner surely?

Honestly your DH’s attitude would make me even keener to go back to work.

Your DH sounds very unsupportive of you.. I hope he has been contributing to your pension etc whilst you have spent all these years making his life easier at home. He wouldn’t be able to do hi job or have his late nights at work if you weren’t there to do everything else. And 8 years of it! I wouldn’t have the discussion; take the job. If he queries why you didn’t have the discussion it’s because he missed the meeting and wasn’t at home so that’s that. I’d be inclined to treat him like a colleague if he’s dominating of you at home, it’s a shit characteristic in your partner and is about power. You want the job, this isn’t the 1950s and you deffo don’t need his permission. What would happen if on your first day you left earlier than him?? The kids are his responsibility aswell. The kids might enjoy the clubs and it’s only 3 days a week. Good luck! And congrats on the job offer xox

Guess he doesn’t like the idea of you not being at home all the time as he knows he’ll need to step up.
You need your financial independence and I’d be concerned about his reaction to this.

I wouldn’t even discuss it with him as he clearly doesn’t care.

I’m sure he thinks you will forget about it and do what he wants you to do.

Take the job and get your life back. And some respect too - as clearly he doesn’t respect you

Sounds a great opportunity and you’re ready for it. First interview in 20 years and you get the job? How brilliant is that.
Your husband will have to step up and get a bit better organised. Won’t kill him.

Please take the bloody job!!!

Definitely take the job. And the kids will be fine. I've had periods of not working where the kids have had a 9 to 3 school day and no wraparound. And periods where they have had to do some long school days (currently 8-6 two or three days a week).

They adapt, and I think it's a good example for them. It's not selfish to want to work. I tell my kids I work because I enjoy it, because I'm good at it, because I want to contribute to society. It's a positive message.

Take the job, well done!

It will and can work. Decide what you need him to do and tell him.

See if you can find a childminder who will feed the DC. Ours does so and, if there’s time, listens to their reading. She’s a gem and our lives are a million times easier for having her. That means that when you get everyone home about 6 you have time to find out about the children’s days, bath, milk, story and bed. We then have supper about 8:30.

Take the job regardless of the cost of after school club. You're building experience which will be worth more down the line. Most DC like after school club. And holiday cover works out, it's fine. You stagger your holidays a bit and book some things in.

Op I’ve just gone back 3 days a week after 7 years out. Like you I worried about how the kids would cope. They’re used to the hours yours are, being able to say yes to any after school activity/ play date after school etc. They have been absolutely fine about it and I just plan to really be more present on my days off with them. There will never be a perfect time to get back into work so while you have the offer I’d go for it. If it really doesn’t work out then you can leave. Definitely give it a try though. The hardest thing has been that we’ve all fallen into the habit of me taking care of everything in the house and knowing where everything is at all times! That’s taking some breaking I can tell you. The mind shift from DH ‘helping’ me with house jobs to actually taking on some of the mental load. Good luck!

Shaking the job taking pompoms!! (Pombears)

The before/after school club will just become a new part of life routine and doing it younger is easier I think.

I accepted the job!!

I start end of January which gives me enough time to sort out childcare (and to crap my pants in fear).

DH not overly happy but he begrudgingly said we should give it 6 months. We shall see what happens.

WELL DONE OP!!

YESSS! I'm so glad you didn't let him hold you back! Now, make sure he does some actual parenting/organising stuff, and get a cleaner to make things easier (assuming you don't already have one). Well done!