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AIBU?

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Original poster

to hate DH so much at this time

21 replies

soopermum1 · 17/12/2007 21:20

OK, a bit of background. we live in london, my family are in glasgow, we have been up there once altogether as a family this year.

3 years ago we had the worst xmas break ever and nearly split up due to DH ignoring DS and I the entire itme, preferring to play on computer. following year i vowed never to be in that situation again and DS and i went to glasgow and left Dh on his own in london. last year we spent xmas day in london then drove up to glasgow for a few days. good compromise, we were all happy.

i am sure Dh and i had discussed this so made plans to do the same htis year, DH heard me discussing with family and started joking around saying he wasn't going up to glasgow.

last night, 1 week before xmas he announces he is not going to glasgow. i don't drive so will cost me over £300 in flights for DS and myself and i can't take all the xmas presents up, particularly DS's.

i am so angry, i hate his guts.

OP posts:
cathshuck · 17/12/2007 21:23

oh my god. yes you have very right to be very very angry! He isnt considering your feelings or your ds's at all. Having said that I am currently suffering pnd and could willingly stab my dh for even breathing near me so not the best person to comment! Is there any chance he will change his mind and come with you?

mistletoemiggins · 17/12/2007 21:24

I would be angry and disappointed
Christmas for me is all about families and especially the children
he is being very selfish IMO

RIELOVESBACARDI · 17/12/2007 21:26

i would book flights using his card and not bother coming home

christmascrackerboldy · 17/12/2007 21:26

can't be nice for you
sil is in london and her dp won't ever come with her and her 2 dc when she comes here. he didn't even come to bil's wedding and her lo was only a fortnight old and she had to struggle on the train with a newborn and a 2 year old. she is always making excuses for him, but i think that sooner or later she is bound to get fed up of it.

RIELOVESBACARDI · 17/12/2007 21:27

most men are arse holes

sb6699 · 17/12/2007 21:40

We moved to Herts from Glasgow last year so can empathise that you haven't seen much of your family.

If I ever feel the need to go "home" and DH says he has to work, I just fly with the kids - yes its a pita but its worth it when I get there!

Just go - after spending crimbo on his own he might not be so difficult next year!!

P.S. My mum just booked flights with Easyjet Glasgow - Stansted wasn't as expensive as she thought it would be - worth a look as it probably won't be much different the other way round (also check Air Berlin)

WinkyWinkola · 17/12/2007 21:44

You must just go. Get the train. Your DH can't just let you down like this. And you can't be defeated by his rubbish attitude. Just go.

Original poster
soopermum1 · 17/12/2007 22:13

thanks for the replies. will probably sleep on it (in the spare room) have already chucked his xmas presents from him to me, at him, didn't make me feel any better. he said he wanted to make this xmas really special, well he's certainly done that

OP posts:
PontipineFinderGeneral · 17/12/2007 22:53

I think there's more going on here:

You're travelling to your family over Christmas. How does your DH get on with your family?

I know this is a big extrapolation but ...

If things are tense between him and your family then the previous "computer" Christmas may be a form of trying to place distance between himself and them, rather than between you (and your son) and him. He may have felt that you were with your family, that they could support you, and that him being there was enough. Then, after the conflict, he felt that his effort wasn't appreciated, and he can't face doing it.

I don't agree with what he did, or is doing now, but before giving up on your relationship I'd suggest sitting down and talking to him firstly accepting his decision and more importantly without anger.

Have you discussed going to his family's Christmas celebrations next year? (This may be a compromise that allows him to feel happier about travelling to Glasgow for the third straight Christmas.)

I'm sure that there's more to this than just Christmas, and who goes where. It isn't worth losing a relationship over, but may be either the last straw if things are otherwise dicey or just a sign that you need to sit down and talk with someone else.

Mincepiedermama · 17/12/2007 22:58

Oh no. I don't want to be unsupportive of you sooper but maybe he doesn't like it up in Glasgow and wants you all to stay in your HOME this Christmas.

Can you talk to him about it? His feelings matter too. It's a long haul up to Glasgow for anyone. I'd rather have London any day.

Mincepiedermama · 17/12/2007 22:59

Also, you threw the presents he's bought you at him.

That will have hurt.

AngharadGoldenhand · 17/12/2007 23:05

I think you need to talk more and make sure you're agreed on things.

Can't you stay at home one year and spend the next in Glasgow? It's a hell of a drive.

Original poster
soopermum1 · 17/12/2007 23:11

have calmed down a bit, thanks for the comments, is helping me get some perspective. the family thing is an ongoing thing. by his admission, my family are fine, they are not a problem, he's just a bit antisocial and can't be bothered with them. i want to spend xmas day in our home, but to spend some of the xmas period in glasgow, not all of it but we haven't even got to discussing how many days. i felt i'd compromised over that whereas he is not compromising at all. can't spend xmas with his family as they're in oz, all over the place and totally crazy, even he doesn't want to spend xmas with them. his DS and Db were meant to be coming over for xmas and i was going to be very welcoming, but they're coming over in july instead. i put up with, even get on with some members of his family, why can't he make the effort with mine? it's not like we live round the corner and they're always sitting on his sofa when he comes in.

PontipineFinder General, you are right, there's other stuff going on, I wouldn't say I'm a naturally angry person but i have developed a v short fuse and it doesn't take much for me to blow my top these days, as displayed tonight.

OP posts:
TheHerdNerd · 17/12/2007 23:13

Most men are NOT arseholes - you can be as angry as you like at this particular man, but to dismiss every one of us with such contempt is uncalled for.

The OP - you threw his presents at him in the hopes that it would make you feel better? You proclaim here that you "hate" him? This is your husband. Your life partner. If your relationship with him has deteriortaed to the point that you can use the word "hate" then I don't blame him for not relishing being stuck with your family on your territory for a week.

Regardless of what he's done, it strikes me that his side to this story would show you in not the soft, yellow, glowing light that you want us to see... I suspect you may well be being a little unreasonable.

TheHerdNerd · 17/12/2007 23:16

Whoops, X-post... still, you need to sort this out.

If my wife ever said "I hate his guts" about me then it would be over... what sort of place must you be in to say that about your husband?

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 17/12/2007 23:33

Can I just butt in and stick up for TheHerdNerd here, from a woman's point of view.

Most men are not arseholes, anymore than most women are bitches.

Sometimes people just do not fit together properly, and I think it was an unfair comment too.

lalalonglegs · 17/12/2007 23:59

Yes, I would agree that saying that men are arseholes is not especially insightful/true/helpful but then neither is HerdNerd's sanctimonious comment that it is wrong to say you hate your dh and by implication you must be a complete nightmare to be around. Is no one allowed to lose their temper and vent a little spleen occasionally?

Sooper's dh has behaved in an appallingly passive aggressive way and seems to have a history of it (ignoring dw and ds over one Christmas fgs) and people who do that want to provoke a reaction, usually so they can say in martyred voice: "Oh, I didn't do anything, you're being soooo unreasonable." To pull this apparently out of the blue a week before Christmas is astonishingly selfish and downright nasty - I would be livid and I wouldn't especially want him thinking that some little trinket he was going to give me would make it alright again.

PontipineFinderGeneral · 18/12/2007 00:22

SM, it's probably better that some of the venting happens here!

I'm not sure that you've got the full story from him as to why he doesn't want to go. Lots of men (myself included) don't communicate well when stressed. (It doesn't even matter if we communicate well normally.)

He may be hacked off with his family for not being here over Christmas, or might be pretty messed up about Christmas if his family are mad. If he struggles with Christmas and extended family time more generally, it may be that you'll always have to put up with whatever he can give you at this time of the year.

In this case, what's not fair is him not making it clear what support he can (or cannot) give you and (to the best of his ability to say it), why.

Maybe start by talking about what you expect from each other? Tell him not to spare your feelings, and that it's better to hurt your feelings than to have to be disappointed when he turns around and backs out of a commitment he's made.

(For what it's worth, it sounds to me like the "I'm just anti-social" is a copout. People who are antisocial don't generally know it.)

PFG

discoverlife · 18/12/2007 00:32

Have you thought about the train, you could try the sleeper from London. Also send all the prezzies up in a large box by courior. There is still time for that as you can do a 24 hour or 48 hour.

TheHerdNerd · 18/12/2007 01:14

LLL: you're right, that did sound a bit sanctimonious. Sorry - I expressed myself badly, but I meant the sentiment.

Venting and giving spleen are unavoidable but usually helpful. But "venting" is when you express anger: "he makes me so pissed off", or "God, I could throttle him".

Saying "I hate him" is a step beyond that. It's a statement that you have no more fond feelings for this person, and worse, you have active dislike for them. It seems to me to be a big symptom of their marriage needing an overhaul, no?

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 18/12/2007 06:26

We live away from family and go back to my family at Xmas. If DH were to suddenly announce that he wasn't coming I would blow up to. I would prob hate him at that point. And I would prob throw something at him! (My present to him actually - wouldn't want to break my present!!)

Your issues sound more like there has been no communication. When had you planned to travel to Glasgow? Had you discussed it?

If he didn't want to go he should have been grown up enough to tell you. It does sound like he never planned to go.

However - you weren't going for Xmas Day? Just for some time afterwards? In which case I would book flights and go. Why do you need to take DS's presents up if you are going after Xmas? How old is DS

But you need to sit down and talk to him about communication.

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