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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unreasonable not to help out?

13 replies

PeculiarPelican · 07/12/2021 18:57

DH is working away at the other end of the country until Friday evening, he left this morning. I'm at home with DD who is 2.

I've always got on well enough with DHs ex and mother of his older two children, DSD 8 and DSS 12. Not best of friends but friendly, text every now and then ect.

Ex is a nurse who works bank only, I'm a SAHM as of the last year after being made redundant during Covid.

DSC are here one week on one week off. This week is their week with Mum hence why DH has arranged his working away for now.

Unfortunately DSS hasn't been well the past couple of days, with headaches, sore throat and cold symptoms. He had a PCR yesterday which has come back negative but he's really feeling under the weather.

Onto the dilemma... I've been asked if DSS can come to me for the rest of the week as ex doesn't want to send him to school (understandably) but she can't afford to not go to work for the rest of the week either.

So AIBU to say no?

Reasons being that firstly DD was quite ill not very long ago with viral tonsillitis and is still not 100%, she was actually admitted to hospital because of it as she wasn't able to eat or drink, I don't want her getting ill again if I can help it. And secondly, it means we can't go anywhere for the rest of the week. Staying in the house with a two year old all week is draining to think about. Ex doesn't know all the details but I've been suffering with depression quite badly since becoming a SAHM and being stuck in throughout last year, and the thought of staying in all week fills me with dread. We have classes and things booked to get us out of the house, I'm just about coping mentally as it is. I know I'll be expected to stay with DSS too, as his Mum is always very hyper concerned when they are ill (understandable) and will not want him being left alone.

I feel guilty for saying no if she's saying she can't afford to miss work. What do I do?

I know I should put this to DH to discuss but there's no way he can just up and leave right now so the situation would still be the same. Paying for childcare obviously isn't an option because he's ill.

Earlier this year DSS actually caught Covid and stayed with us through the 10 days as he was here when he got the positive result. DH missed work during that time which we couldn't really afford either but it was what it was.

OP posts:

WorriedGiraffe · 07/12/2021 19:03

I’d say no too, it’s not your responsibility and I wouldn’t want to risk making my own DC ill either. Is there anyway your DH can split the cos of her time off with her seen as it’s to look after their unwell child? So if she looses for example £400 by having the week off, he pays an extra £200 in child support so it’s fair?

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2021 19:12

"DD was quite ill not very long ago with viral tonsillitis and is still not 100%, she was actually admitted to hospital because of it as she wasn't able to eat or drink, I don't want her getting ill again if I can help it."

For that reason alone, I'd say I couldn't have DSS there. Does she really not have anyone else she could turn to - her mother, sister etc? Or is your redundancy, in her eyes, mean you have nothing better to do that be her childcare?

KatherineofGaunt · 07/12/2021 19:14

Just because his PCR was negative, he's clearly still a bit ill. Say you're worried about your daughter as she's still not fully recovered and no.

cadburyegg · 07/12/2021 19:17

YANBU not your responsibility and I say this as an ex. I don't think his ex is unreasonable to ask but you're definitely not unreasonable to say no

LittleOwl153 · 07/12/2021 19:17

If the previous occasions have been that the ill child stays put and is the responsibility of that parent then I'd stick with that. Why should you (not a parent) have to take on additional responsibility of a sick child who shouldn't be in your household this week.

When is he due to move back to yours anyway? If you were feeling generous you could maybe have him a day early if dh is back perhaps?

But no I don't think you should feel guilty. If you dh cannot get home to have him and he should be with his mum anyway then that is the way it is.

Take care OP.

Original poster

PeculiarPelican · 07/12/2021 20:16

When is he due to move back to yours anyway?

Sunday night.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeculiarPelican · 07/12/2021 20:17

Thanks feeling less terrible. Have replied and said sorry but I can't on this occasion.

OP posts:

Hercisback · 07/12/2021 20:20

He's 12, why can't he stay home alone?

WonderHen · 07/12/2021 20:24

I'd say no.

If you said yes then you and your DD could get it and be poorly for Christmas, and it pretty much means you're housebound for a week.

gersteddybears · 07/12/2021 20:37

I'd maybe say you he can come a day or 2 earlier if you've got stuff planned on other days. I'm probably a mug but I'd feel bad at saying no.

Original poster

PeculiarPelican · 07/12/2021 22:29

A day early would just be at the weekend, not sure how much that would help, she wanted tomorrow Thurs and Fri when he was supposed to be in school so she could go to work.

OP posts:

Valeriekat · 11/12/2021 10:46

How does she know he is going to be ill for 3 days?

andtherewere2 · 11/12/2021 13:41

Not unreasonable to not help out

Just because someone asks doesn't mean you have to if you can't face it.

It sounds like ex was exploring options.

Be careful that you being a new SAHM doesn't equate now to anytime any DSS or DSD is sick , that you become their default childcare as that isn't fair on your DD or you. DSS and DSD has two parents. Also be careful CF friends don't start asking this too...! Your house could become lergy central!

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