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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who was BU here?

26 replies

NoShowPerson · 07/12/2021 09:54

This is quite a trivial issue in the scheme of things, but it's been playing on my mind and I genuinely can't tell if IBU here, so I thought I'd put to Mumsnet to decide.

Recently, a close friend (A) and I asked another friend, B, to help us learn a hobby that B is really good at. As we had discussed it first at a party, a couple of other people we know also asked to join in and we formed a chat group to start planning sessions. The whole thing was fairly informal and flexible as B wasn't charging for helping us and we said whoever was free could join, if not no problem.

We had our first session a few weeks ago and only A and I attended, along with our friend/teacher, B. The next week we confirmed it was the same place and same time but the week after A was unable to attend and I attended with B and another person from the group. So far, that was 3 sessions in total and although it was the same time and day each time, I always made sure to check B was still free to help the day before.

Mid-last week, B said she wouldn't be free the next 2 weekends but that we should feel free to practice without her. A and I had previously spoken about how important it would be to practice regularly and be consistent - we'd both aimed to practice by ourselves sometime too if we were able to. A responded to B's message on the group saying that she was looking forward to practice on Saturday.

I didn't think anything further of A's comment and we didn't speak separately about meeting on Saturday. On Saturday morning I woke up to calls and messages from A, asking where I am. She had messaged through on the group after midnight on the Friday (technically the Saturday!) asking if we could meet at 930am instead of 9am (the time we had met thrice before). I didn't respond to that because I was already asleep and didn't see her other calls and messages because I'd only woken up around 10am.

It turns out that A was really worried and messaged my husband and others saying I hadn't 'shown up' and asking where I was. She had assumed that her message about practice on Saturday had meant we were still going ahead and even though she hadn't heard anything to confirm from me, still went ahead and waited for me at the hobby centre.

In my mind, just because we'd done the same place and time 3 weeks running didn't mean we had a standing arrangement, as demonstrated by A herself not coming the previous week. She thought her comment about looking forward to practice on Saturday was clear enough but to me, that comment didn't mean much without follow-up, and the follow-up came too late for me to see it! Also, no one else from the group attended either, which suggests that it was less a 'standing arrangement' and more of an opt-in. A also pointed to the fact that we'd said we need to be consistent and regular with our practice to suggest that it was a standing arrangement, but I'd intended to go practice by myself sometime anyway.

So, did I fail to 'show up' or did A get the wrong end of the stick here? A is one of my closest friends and I felt terrible that she was so worried, but I was also puzzled about why she turned up there without me confirming I was coming and then called my husband to ask where I was!

OP posts:
NoShowPerson · 07/12/2021 10:01

I should add though that maybe the fact that I'd been the only person in the group to have attended all 3 of the previous sessions created an expectation that I would be automatically be attending the next one? Though on every occasion there had been confirmation it was going ahead the day before!

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/12/2021 10:06

I would have assumed it was a standing arrangement unless you stated you would not be going

IAmHereForTheFood · 07/12/2021 10:09

her comment about looking forward to practice on Saturday was clear enough

Of course it was.
why not say ‘oh I can’t make Saturday’ if you weren’t going?

we need to be consistent and regular with our practice to suggest that it was a standing arrangement

I agree with your friend.

Cotswoldmama · 07/12/2021 10:12

I agree with your friend

catchyjem · 07/12/2021 10:16

Yeah, you really should have responded to her message that you weren't going, otherwise it's fair to assume she thought you were.

Lightswitch123 · 07/12/2021 10:16

From the info provided I would definitely have expected you to be there if I was your friend.

You should have said "I can't make Saturday " when she sent her first message about it

BatshitBanshee · 07/12/2021 10:19

@NoShowPerson

I should add though that maybe the fact that I'd been the only person in the group to have attended all 3 of the previous sessions created an expectation that I would be automatically be attending the next one? Though on every occasion there had been confirmation it was going ahead the day before!
This. The confirmation is not the point - you had been consistent in showing up every week to that point, so to not show when there's an agreement for "practice on Saturday" regardless of whether it's clarified you're practicing together or not, is odd. And I would have done the courteous thing of "Hey A, I fancy a lie in so I'll practice on my own tomorrow if that's alright, I know we hadn't clarified."

Bottom line: to be practicing every week, showing up every week, been the consistent one, and then just not show up without saying you're not showing up (ie. breaking the consistency) is odd. Especially when A has said they're looking forward to Saturday in a group text with you - I would have taken the opportunity to say you won't be available.

I don't think anyone is being Unreasonable though really - maybe unreasonable to have not informed your friend, it is a bit poor form (especially if A forewarned you that they wouldn't be attending the previous week...)

AngelonTopoftheTree · 07/12/2021 10:19

I agree with you. There was no plan for the Saturday, especially if a message was sent after midnight for a 9am/9.30 meet up.

EdgeOfTheSky · 07/12/2021 10:20

It was just a misunderstanding.

Gretaburley · 07/12/2021 10:22

Is the new hobby communication skills?

KeepYaHeadUp · 07/12/2021 10:25

If I were you I'd have made clear I wouldn't be there but equally if I were A I'd have wanted confirmation you were definitely going, as the arrangement was too loose to be certain.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/12/2021 10:25

I find the A and B scenarios so confusing especially about an unspecified event.

Is it synchronised swimming? Yoga?

PinkiOcelot · 07/12/2021 10:26

Yep, also agree with your friend.

MadeForThis · 07/12/2021 10:32

She said she would see you on Saturday. That's an arrangement. The time change is her fault. But you weren't going anyway.

Apologise. It was just a misunderstanding.

Fairyliz · 07/12/2021 10:35

When friend A couldn’t attend on week 3 did she let you know or just not turn up?

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 10:41

I don't think there's any need for the drama , but I do think that the message threads you describe would have led me to think you were going to meet at the usual time and place to practice together, without the teacher.

NoShowPerson · 07/12/2021 10:42

Thanks everyone for your comments! I accept I might have been unreasonable here, but I also think it's a bit vague. It's not as if we'd been doing it for months, it had only been 3 occasions and A had only attended 2 of those. The purpose was to learn the hobby from B, so I suppose I'd just assumed that if B wasn't available we wouldn't go ahead unless otherwise discussed. Even when B was available, in the previous weeks we'd always discussed the day before to see who was coming and to make sure it was going ahead, so that also made me think it wasn't!

@Fairyliz she messaged the night before to say she wasn't coming, but this was in the context of a general discussion about whether it was going ahead. We didn't have a discussion this time about whether it was going ahead or not.

OP posts:
hotmeatymilk · 07/12/2021 10:44

You’re both a bit wrong here. B said to go ahead without her, A confirmed (by saying she was looking forward to it) she planned to go ahead. You said nothing and just assumed your silence would be read as “despite showing up every week, I won’t this week”.

However anyone messaging after midnight to change a meeting time by half an hour is annoying – I wouldn’t see this til after I’d already got up for the original time.

BehindTheFridge · 07/12/2021 10:46

I would have assumed you would turn up. It was careless to not respond to her group text that she was looking forward to it. If I were A I'd be pretty annoyed with you to feel that you couldn't be bothered to share that you wouldn't be there. Especially you'd agreed together that consistency is important. In fact I'm annoyed on her behalf.

NoShowPerson · 07/12/2021 10:47

@MadeForThis she didn't say to me that she'd see me on Saturday, she said on the group that she was looking forward to practice on Saturday. I thought maybe she meant she'd practice on her own on Saturday (which is what I was planning) or if she wanted to meet me she'd follow up. No one else responded to this comment or took it as Saturday was going ahead since no one else showed up? But I accept that I was the regular one of the bunch so I probably created an expectation!

OP posts:
BehindTheFridge · 07/12/2021 10:48

However anyone messaging after midnight to change a meeting time by half an hour is annoying – I wouldn’t see this til after I’d already got up for the original time
Only by half an hour. And later, not earlier so no big deal. Just have a bit longer to get ready.

hotmeatymilk · 07/12/2021 10:51

@BehindTheFridge Later is worse! My alarm would have been set for the earlier time then I’d have seen the message and realised I could have had half an hour more sleep. Can’t really stretch out getting ready – it takes the time it takes – so then it’s just an irritating half hour of nothingness.

NoShowPerson · 07/12/2021 10:57

@KeepYaHeadUp You've probably summed up how I feel about it. I must have read her comment about Saturday on the group but as with a lot of chat groups I read it in passing and since we'd always confirmed the day before, without any confirmation I made the assumption it wasn't going ahead. She made the opposite assumption, and I can see why, but I still think that turning up without any confirmation from my end probably should've made her clock on to what was going on rather than assuming the worst! We both misread the situation, clearly.

OP posts:
Westerman · 07/12/2021 10:59

I can absolutely see how the misunderstanding arose so I think you should wrote it off as crossed wires. Neither of you were to blame.

ChicCroissant · 07/12/2021 11:06

I am also with your friend A, I don't think it's about you creating an expectation though - it's because you didn't say 'I'm not going on Saturday' in response to her message.