Narc Cycle Advice

[JohnJacobJingle]

NC with narc family for two years. No contact at all and I mean no contact.

DGM died recently, DM turns up at my door crying asking to see my DS (new baby) already have a DD (4) and another DS (3) also. I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the last 2 years so didn’t feel anything towards DM but obviously felt pity that DM had just lost her own mother and was obviously upset.

She was clutching a gift for DD and asked if she could leave it for her, DD wasn’t present as was in school.

Turns out to be a very expensive gift, nothing for newborn or my other DS as always. She seems to be just interested in my girl. DM and I have a terrible relationship, always have but she blames this on me being ‘a boyish girl’ instead of her constant bullying of me from a young age.

Now my question is do I return gift or take to charity and ignore? We’re talking £500+ gift which is of no interest to DD - a gift which fits DM’s agenda.

For context while I was pregnant with DD, DM said your girl will hate you just like you hate me.

Put the gift in a drawer you don’t use often/the shed or the garage and forget about it. Your mother at some point will try and use it to wheedle her way into your DD’s life. It is not a gift that comes without strings. At the point it is mentioned hand it back unused and unopened. Continue to Do what is right for your family. Look at the stately homes thread in relationships. Lots of advice there for relationships such as the one you describe with your Mother. for you.

I'm also NC with my own egg donor and I've felt so much freer for it.

I'd return it - now, maybe briefly explain that you don't want or need her 'gifts' and move on, remaining NC.

As PP said - the stately homes thread is very helpful. And congratulations on your baby!

This reminds me of my own mother who sent me a hideously expensive gift. I had luck. We live in another country and would have had to a very large amount of tax, so I declined and it got sent back. I am still glad I did. Gifts of any kind spell trouble, so I would send the gift back with a polite, non-emotive note.

I want to send it back, obviously it doesn’t benefit us in any way. I just think that doing so is maybe playing into her hands so that she can slander my name to everyone playing the ‘poor grandma card.’

Also, an added way of playing the victim and me being the mean one when my DC are older.

What kind of gift for a 4yr old costs over 500?
Could you sell it and use the money to buy something for your 3 children? Or even save it for them?

You could probably guess.

JohnJacobJingle, as painful as this is to say, your mum has probably already slandered you, and probably will continue to do so, but when confronted, will deny and deflect.

It sounds like she had probably has problems respecting your boundaries, so this could be a good way to reinforce them. ie: kids to be treated equally or no presents at all.

Erk. Too much probably. Soz

I'm guessing a tablet/phone to facilitate her having direct contact with DD - messages and video calls.