How independent is your 10/11 year old?

[Crunchytoastandbutter]

My DS(10) is in year 6 due to start secondary next year. He's very young for his age and not very independent so I'm keen to try and build this for next year.
How independent is your year6 (10/11) year old? What chores do they do? How much freedom do they have (though my son is quite happy to just veg out on the computer/watch TV - so he'll need a bit of a push/gentle encouragement!)

@SpidersAreShitheads

Wow. All of this is a real eye-opener.

I have twins, DD and DS both aged 12 (Y7 at school). They're both autistic - DD was in mainstream and outwardly you'd never know she's different. DS has a lot more challenges, still in nappies and special school although technically no learning disability.

So, I knew DS was very different and I knew DD was also "young" for her age. But I think over the years we've just gotten used to things and reading a thread like this is a huge shock to see how different our lives are. DS has lots of needs, I knew that. I don't know if he'll ever live independently. But DD is outwardly much more functional and engaged with the world. But yet she can't bath or shower on her own, needs prompting to wash, dress, eat. Can't make food for herself, gets overwhelmed even trying to work out what to eat. If I'm doing chores she is very willing to help and when supervised/guided and the tasks are being broken down into tiny steps, she's enthusiastic. She wouldn't be safe crossing a road on her own, or even walking across a car park.

Sorry, I know this is a complete derail. It's just that occasionally a reminder about how other families live gives me a real dose of reality and it comes as a shock.

I was thinking the same! I have a 12 year old with autism / dyspraxia and ADHD and I've spent the week wondering how she's going to cope with doing her hair next week on a residential trip.

My 10 year old is a bit of a mix.

He can-

Go into supermarkets alone with a list and purchase everything correctly
Do his homework without prompting
Run a busy soft drink stall at a sports club breakup and deal with adding orders and giving correct change faultlessly, without supervision
Order and pay for his own food in restaurants
Help organise formal groups and games at school breaks
He can use my coffee machine (this has made having children worthwhile)
He can speak or act in front of a crowd without any trace of nervousness

He struggles with-

Personal care- showers, wiping bottom, shoelaces, buttons, brushing hair properly. Aside from his handwriting which is top notch, he has poor motor skills. He also struggles to see the point of a lot of personal care stuff
He is easily frustrated
He struggles with people not following the rules.
He is an inflexible thinker
He struggles to see other people’s point of view
He is quite demand avoidant

My 11yo DS:

Gets himself up and showered and makes breakfast (usually eggs on toast). Stays at home for 45minutes alone then locks the house up and walks to school.

Lets himself back into the house after school, has a snack and gets on with homework until I get there.

He occasionally spends 7am - 3.30pm ish alone with someone to check on him at lunchtime and people on hand to call.

Can use a hoover/ load laundry (but doesn't turn the machine on)/ wash up.

Calls for his mates/ goes into our little market town alone. Can navigate a corner shop and a cafe independently (well, with friends).

Can do quite a lot of things related to his sport- rig and de-rig his boat, sort out basic rig problems on the water etc, but that is all a bit niche.

However, there are plenty of things we have to remind him to do every single day (like clean his teeth) and we do sometimes despair of getting him to adulthood. 11 is a funny age.

My 10 year old dd is in year 5 and has just started walking herself to school but it isn't very far and there is a lollipop lady to help her cross the road.
She gets herself ready for school, does her homework and makers her own breakfast every day. She also makes a lovely cuppa.
But given the choice she would rather just watch TV all day.
We are building up her independence slowly as we have nearly 2 years til she starts secondary.

Op, my ds could make himself a sandwich, tidy his clothes etc at that age.
However there are different skills he will need. Eg, ds goes to school on their bus (20 miles). Day one, I saw him onto the bus. In the evening he didn't get off the bus, stayed on until the end, got scared, told the bus driver who then drove back via every stop looking for me because ds hadn't realised he needed to remember where to get off.
Apparently there is a child who does it every year.
So it isn't necessarily about how good they are at home. It might be about learning new systems. He'll cope fine once he's in a routine.

I have a y6, 10 year old nearly 11 child who has Autism. He can make himself a waffle or cereal. He can dress himself in uniform but needs lots of prompts and cajoling.
He is now taking a bath with prompts and support. He has gone to the local shop two doors down from ours while his older brother waited outside but he really struggles with household tasks.
He wants to walk to school alone but I worry a lot about his road safety as he doesn’t look for traffic consistently when he’s crossing a road.

@MintJulia

Op, my ds could make himself a sandwich, tidy his clothes etc at that age. However there are different skills he will need. Eg, ds goes to school on their bus (20 miles). Day one, I saw him onto the bus. In the evening he didn't get off the bus, stayed on until the end, got scared, told the bus driver who then drove back via every stop looking for me because ds hadn't realised he needed to remember where to get off. Apparently there is a child who does it every year. So it isn't necessarily about how good they are at home. It might be about learning new systems. He'll cope fine once he's in a routine.

There was a boy local to me in y7. Was all over social media second week in September as he didn't come home from school. He had got the bus the wrong way and didn't realise / didn't know what to do and they found it the opposite end of the bus route (about 6/7 miles away)

My DD can sort everything out for school in the mornings, including her lunchbox, though I usually do it.

She can walk to school and back by herself (15 min walk), has on occasion been at home for 5-10 mins then locked up and walked to school when I had to go out early.

She can bake cakes and biscuits, prepare a basic meal like pasta and pesto or pancakes for breakfast, though she prefers that we do it together.

She does her homework by herself, though again prefers me to be there to talk bits of it through.

She can put a wash on or load the dishwasher, though she hates doing it so I get her to feed the cat and tidy her room to earn her pocket money.

She can walk to the shop (5 mins) and buy a few bits, can buy things when out shopping.

She can wash, dry and brush her hair independently and doesn't need reminding to shower.

Mostly we are working on forward planning at the moment.

My 10yo is still very dependent. He's my mpfb - I think (hope?!) my younger children will be more independent by this age!

As a teacher, I would say it's more about being used to making decisions and knowing how and when to ask for help, than about being able to do certain tasks. They will often find themselves in the wrong place, or they will forget to do homework, and it helps if they can confidently navigate these situations (but plenty of 11yos will dissolve into tears when anything goes wrong! And of course they all get there in the end)

Yr7 kids need to be used to being by themselves occasionally (some honestly freak out if they get separated from the pack and have to walk from DT to the library by themselves)

Going to the shop with a list and a tenner (especially if you put something tricky on the list and he has to decide for himself whether to substitute or leave out etc) will be better preparation than learning how to cook a three course meal, or hoovering under the sofas (I mean those are also good skills! But less relevant to starting school)

Being organised and taking charge of their own stuff is key. But many (most?) yr7 and yr8 parents still help their kids stay on top of homework, and help them pack their bag the night before.

Also, road safety is incredibly important - secondary school drop off, bus lanes, staff parking etc are much busier than primary (even kids walking in have to navigate a lot of traffic as they get close to the school)

My dd has dyspraxia so I cannot trust her to do as much as she probably could. In the last 6 months she has started proactively doing homework and getting herself ready for school without being asked. She will happily make herself salads and sandwiches.

She can in theory make soup / hot chocolate on the hob or run a bath but as she gets easily distracted and would happily wander away to do something else it's never without me around.

She is quite confident paying and ordering in shops and cafes etc but I don't trust her road sense skills yet to let her walk their alone.

Online activities she can confidently research, purchase and do all sorts!

Children are so different and so much depends on the circumstances they grow up in.

Mine didn't have much of a choice but to be independent from a young age. As a single mum I needed the help, so tidying/ helping with food/ getting themselves ready from an early age was the nrom. Then the childminder quit and we couldn't find another who'd do the school run, so then they had to learn to walk themselves to school and back by Year 5. They started making their own lunches from Year 6 and helped in the school kitchen, too. Homework was done independently as soon as they could read and write reasonably well by themselves.

They're GCSE year now and things have changed a little. While all the immediately important stuff gets done reliably (getting up/ ready/ 20min walk to school, homework, revision) their room is now a typical teenage tip and I have to nag for chores to get done.

My 10 yr old can do most of the in house mentioned things above (cleaning, self care, cooking). Has never wanted to go to the supermarket by himself (the closest shop is a massive tesco about half a mile away).
He let's himself in from school, occasionally to an empty house. He is currently pushing not to go to childcare on mornings we cant juggle a school run, and I'm currently saying being home alone for an hour, then responsible for locking the house for a day is too much.

My 10 year old can:

Walk to and from school with a friend (we pick up if they aren't walking together)
Make breakfast, lunch (sandwiches or similar) and snacks
Do their personal care but needs reminding to shower/brush teeth
Do their homework on their own - the stuff that interests them with no prompting but spellings require nagging
Has gone swimming with a friend unsupervised (dropped off/picked up by adult)
Speak to medical professionals about issues and explain what has happened
Go into small shops and purchase items (but isn't keen if interaction with staff is required eg needs to ask for something)
Unload dishwasher, use a hoover, hang out washing inside and sort washing if asked to and put own clothes away
Follow a recipe to bake cookies etc but won't do anything involving the oven so we have to do that.

Writing all that they sound fairly competent but the helping out around the house needs reminding to be done - they aren't unwilling they are just oblivious to the fact that it needs doing.

Think the next thing for us to look at is them being left alone in the house for a short period whilst we drop other child off at activities. Last time I asked if they wanted to it was a firm no and we obviously wouldn't do it if they weren't happy.

My 11 year old DS can cook a family meal, do laundry, sort the bins and recycling, does the cat litter trays, gets the bus alone to our local town to meet friends, can do a small shop, and happily stays alone in the house for a few hours up to about 7pm.

I’ve focused on walking places by herself for my 10yo Y6, as she’ll be getting public transport to school next year. My plan is local public transport journeys independently next term. Plus practise at talking to strange adults, so I’m going to get her to go to the Post Office with a parcel etc and do the talking.

For home stuff, she assists with cooking, sorts the bins, empties the dishwasher and can make herself a sandwich. She’s capable of more, but would rather miss out than stop whatever she’s doing and get some food or a drink.

My NT 10 year old DD can
walk to school alone,
pop into the shop next door to pick up bread / milk,
Shower, wash her hair etc.. without prompting
Get dressed for school, do her homework without support
She can cook some very basic foods - microwave stuff but mostly I cook
She doesn’t really do chores but if I nudge her she puts her laundry in the basket, makes her bed..

To add I also leave her alone in the house for an hour or so regularly (she hates a dog walk!). I’ve also dropped her and a friend swimming before and waited in the attached cafe until they’d finished (that took a LOT of bravery on my part!!)

My 10 year old walks to and from school. Goes with his sibling to karate at the weekend. Can bake cakes and cook bacon sandwiches (his favourite foods ) and make cups of pretty grim tea... If left to his own devices he will game all day though... Oh job wise he tidys his room, vacuums the kitchen and empties the dishwasher with some half arsed success

@Crunchytoastandbutter

My DS(10) is in year 6 due to start secondary next year. He's very young for his age and not very independent so I'm keen to try and build this for next year. How independent is your year6 (10/11) year old? What chores do they do? How much freedom do they have (though my son is quite happy to just veg out on the computer/watch TV - so he'll need a bit of a push/gentle encouragement!)

Mine were getting the bus into town with their friends to go to the cinema, regularly out and about in the village, wpuld get things from the local shops, could cook simple meals, bake buns,make cups of tea hoover etc Also looked after younger siblings where applicable. So, independent.

@InTheLabyrinth

My 10 yr old can do most of the in house mentioned things above (cleaning, self care, cooking). Has never wanted to go to the supermarket by himself (the closest shop is a massive tesco about half a mile away). He let's himself in from school, occasionally to an empty house. He is currently pushing not to go to childcare on mornings we cant juggle a school run, and I'm currently saying being home alone for an hour, then responsible for locking the house for a day is too much.

I'd let him try it. At y5 my youngest rebelled against having a CM and it worked out fine.

Start now with simple things and build it over the rest of year 6. For starters mine both showered immediately after getting out of bed when they were in year 6. Got dressed with shirt (I swapped to shirts in year 6, they wore polo shirts before that) and trousers, downstairs for breakfast.

So get their own breakfast with me pottering round in the kitchen. Then put their breakfast things into the dishwasher.

Learned to watch the time for getting ready to head out the door, so teeth brushing, jumpers on, bag checked.

Start now with a "homework schedule" so that after school at a particular time they are engaged in something educational, it could be reading, spellings practise, Times Table Rockstars or anything set by their current school. If that is all done then watching something interesting on YouTube. There are millions of things to watch. Broaden their knowledge base of the world.

Then you can build in chores, which in this house are unpaid as no one pays me to unload a dishwasher. Mine stripped their beds on a particular day and the last one to do it turned the machine on. I left an instruction card so they knew what to do rather than keep asking me. They then made their beds. Every day air the bed, so fold the duvet cover back over in half and open a window after your shower and getting dressed, also airs the room.

My 10 year old sets her own alarm and gets herself up and ready for school independently, makes her breakfast and own packed lunch, and makes sure she has everything she needs for clubs etc.
(But I still run through a checklist with her before we go through the door, as she occasionally forgets something).

She walks halfway to and from school - there is a difficult road crossing with a blind bend, which I prefer to supervise.

She doesn't like to cook, and is nervous of the gas hob, but does sometimes bake, following a recipe. She makes her own hot drinks.

She doesn't really have chores around the house - just keeping her room tidy, bringing her laundry down, changing her bedsheets, putting away clean laundry, putting own plate in the sink or dishwasher. These need a bit of nagging.

I don't expect her to use the washing machine or set the dishwasher going.

I sometimes ask her to lay the table, but she wouldn't do it without asking.

Doing homework and music practice also need nagging, but she's independent once she starts.

She doesn't go into town to the shops by herself - it's a fair old walk. But she will go into shops and buy things for herself while I wait outside/go into a different shop.

She plans and buys Christmas presents for close family and friends, and budgets carefully.

She sometimes needs reminding to have a shower, but will usually get herself ready for bed at the right time by checking the clock.

She can pack for holidays or sleepovers without supervision.

DS (10) has ADHD and isn't very mature, but nonetheless, he's going to secondary school in September, so now he walks just over a mile to school and back most days. We send him to the corner shop for things, and to return the trolley to the supermarket (it's about 150m from our house, so we tend to just push the trolley home!) He empties the dishwasher and helps put shopping away sometimes and can make himself a sandwich. His sister was cooking herself meals by this age, but he's a bit scared of hot things, which doesn't help.

I should add he can't generally do things without a lot of prompting, including homework and getting ready for school!

@SpidersAreShitheads

Wow. All of this is a real eye-opener.

I have twins, DD and DS both aged 12 (Y7 at school). They're both autistic - DD was in mainstream and outwardly you'd never know she's different. DS has a lot more challenges, still in nappies and special school although technically no learning disability.

So, I knew DS was very different and I knew DD was also "young" for her age. But I think over the years we've just gotten used to things and reading a thread like this is a huge shock to see how different our lives are. DS has lots of needs, I knew that. I don't know if he'll ever live independently. But DD is outwardly much more functional and engaged with the world. But yet she can't bath or shower on her own, needs prompting to wash, dress, eat. Can't make food for herself, gets overwhelmed even trying to work out what to eat. If I'm doing chores she is very willing to help and when supervised/guided and the tasks are being broken down into tiny steps, she's enthusiastic. She wouldn't be safe crossing a road on her own, or even walking across a car park.

Sorry, I know this is a complete derail. It's just that occasionally a reminder about how other families live gives me a real dose of reality and it comes as a shock.

I absolutely get this. My DS was an extreme prem and has ADHD and probably dyspraxia and a variety of "quirks". He is academically sound but couldn't do a quarter of what others are mentioning. I am so used to scaffolding everything and keeping things on track I think I have lost track of how many challenges he faces on a daily basis.