Husband keeps being really rude to me, not sure if I'm being over sensitive

[gagababy]

I'm pregnant at the moment, second baby.

I have noticed that I really don't like the way my husband speaks to me recently.

Everything just escalates really quickly.

Our DD has been ill and is on antibiotics, she hates taking them and it's a huge ordeal. He said he'd take charge of it tonight. So I hold her and he gives her the antibiotic. I managed to grab her and had a good hold of her and told him to start. He said I was in the wrong position, on the floor and I should go to the sofa. I say, it's fine, I've got a good grip on her here and he goes ' OH JUST SHUT UP '.

I know it sounds minor, but it was really venomous.

It keeps happening where he just completely snaps at me and we end up having huge fights for not really any reason.

I get the impression he has literally no love for me anymore and just hates me and finds me annoying.

We seem to disagree on things a lot and it just turns nasty so quickly. Like decorating the Christmas tree, turned into an argument because I didn't like the lights the way they were and he thought they were fine. I bought them myself, but they weren't right, I can return them. But he kept insisting they're fine and then just said he wants nothing to do with it and got really angry.

He's just super huffy and moody and just not nice to be around a lot of the time. We had to take our DD to hospital last week, in the middle of the night. I understand it's not ideal, but he's just huffy the whole time at the hospital because we have to wait. His mood just brings down everything. It's not a nice experience to take your child in the middle of the night to hospital, but once you're there, why act pissed off the whole time ? I don't know if I just expect too much, but it's just not how I function.

I feel like he hates me because I don't give him enough sex perhaps. Like he's frustrated. But I'm pregnant and have been suffering from HG. I also work full time and have a toddler. She's been sick for 10 days now and now I've caught her cold. I just don't think these are the circumstances under which you can expect lots of sex. Generally when your wife is pregnant and suffering severe sickness, plus working and looking after a toddler- there's not much left for me to give him. I don't know if that's what it is, but I feel like it contributes. This of course makes me want to have sex with him even less. Sorry for rambling.

It's definitely not on. Have you tried talking to him about it in a non-accusatory way? Like more about how you're feeling. How you feel when he says shut up etc. It's one of those things where if you're both willing to work things can turn around but the conversation needs to take place! If he is not open to listening at all it will be hard. So sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else! If its not easy to talk to him maybe a mediator like a counsellor would be a good idea.

@MsChatterbox

It's definitely not on. Have you tried talking to him about it in a non-accusatory way? Like more about how you're feeling. How you feel when he says shut up etc. It's one of those things where if you're both willing to work things can turn around but the conversation needs to take place! If he is not open to listening at all it will be hard. So sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else! If its not easy to talk to him maybe a mediator like a counsellor would be a good idea.

Sometimes I get super aggressive back.

But I've talked to him calmly as well. And he says he's sorry, but he keeps doing it. I duno, it's just unkind. Like an old married couple who are just sick of each other.

He sounds vile. I wouldn't be willing to tolerate this.

What a horrible environment to raise children in, it simply can't be allowed to continue. You have some very big decisions to make.

Go have a few days away at a family or friends house. Have a break

It's really hard to comment without knowing the state of your whole relationship. Generally contempt for each other is a really huge red flag.

It sounds to me like you've both slipped into this angry/vengeful state with each other. I've been with DP 17 years and we've definitely been down that road. I distinctly remember about 8!years ago when we literally couldn't talk to each other without descending into a huge row. We eventually had a very long talk about who we are and what we want. Essentially being in a relationship requires both of you to want the best for the other. They are meant to be your favourite person right? Someone you want to always have your back. And that means lowering expensive on both sides sometimes.

We have come through that phase and are pretty strong I hope. We recognise each other's flaws (there are many in both sides) and we accept them. And when we are pissed off, we walk away for a bit. But kids are single handedly the hardest trial for any relationship. Parenting is bloody tough. Really hope you can work through it but in the short term, you have to be clear on your own boundaries. What is mild irritation and what is your definite no? Can you plan some downtime without kids? Find what brought you together in the first place?

You have to learn how to tackle any family frustrations out together, and not get annoyed about simple things that get you annoyed all the time. Less arguements, and more harmony.

This sort of thing is a viscious cycle. He snaps, you feel resentful or walk on eggshells til the next time.

The examples you gave sounds like he thinks you're being awkward by not doing "what he says". But that doesn't mean he should explode at you or that you should shut up to pacify him. Like the lights, you say they're not right, he says they're fine (probably because he doesn't want to do the job a second time), so who wins? You're clashing and locking horns.

If you can't find compromises and work out when to say it's not worth the argument (both of you) then you need to make a decision to split pretty quickly. Its not fair on your daughter to have her parents screaming at each other and being aggressive. The heightened tension between you is probably adding to her behaviour and escalating the ordeal of taking the antibiotics, and probably other incidences too.

No it's not OK and in a nutshell you need to either separate or do a lot of work on your relationship. It won't improve unless you both make big changes.

Sometimes people become very irritable when they are anxious or depressed, but that doesn't make it acceptable. If your husband is struggling mentally it is his responsibility to get help.

@snowdropsandcrocuses

It's really hard to comment without knowing the state of your whole relationship. Generally contempt for each other is a really huge red flag.

It sounds to me like you've both slipped into this angry/vengeful state with each other. I've been with DP 17 years and we've definitely been down that road. I distinctly remember about 8!years ago when we literally couldn't talk to each other without descending into a huge row. We eventually had a very long talk about who we are and what we want. Essentially being in a relationship requires both of you to want the best for the other. They are meant to be your favourite person right? Someone you want to always have your back. And that means lowering expensive on both sides sometimes.

We have come through that phase and are pretty strong I hope. We recognise each other's flaws (there are many in both sides) and we accept them. And when we are pissed off, we walk away for a bit. But kids are single handedly the hardest trial for any relationship. Parenting is bloody tough. Really hope you can work through it but in the short term, you have to be clear on your own boundaries. What is mild irritation and what is your definite no? Can you plan some downtime without kids? Find what brought you together in the first place?

Sorry OP, I have no words of wisdom to give you, but I think that snowdropsandcrocuses advice, quoted above, is brilliant.

Although at a very different part of our lives to you, my DH and I are in some ways going through a very similar stage as yours. Sadly my DH has to be my carer, and that really doesn't help matters. But as well as being almost totally dependent on him, I do still love him very much, so I will try to take at least some of snowdrops advice.

I do hope that you and your DH can, and do, get through this horrible patch.

Having young children is one of the most challenging times in a relationship and both people in the partnership must cut each other some slack - but this is difficult to do if one is being huffy and unreasonable. In the face of this type of behaviour (and my husband has done it but not much) and if I am not too exhausted I can stay calm and say 'this is unfair, i don't talk to you like this - what is wrong?'. In the past it has turned out that my husband, unbeknown to me, had come off his anti depressants and needed to go back on them. Another time (despite the number of times I asked him what was wrong) it took him to explode in frustration at me for him to reveal how unhappy he really was with our relationship. We worked on it and are still together. Sit down with your husband and talk about it because you shouldn't have to tolerate this level of unpleasantness - it could even escalate if left unchecked to where you start feeling like you really are walking around on egg shells in your own home. Even with older kids both my DP and I still each prioritise in a fair way some me-time, some regular outside exercise and healthy food (as much as possible but not fanatically) - this helps both of us stay on a somewhat even keel. Was even more vital to us when the kids were little. Snowdropsandcrocuses advice is spot on too

@Corneliafunk

Having young children is one of the most challenging times in a relationship and both people in the partnership must cut each other some slack - but this is difficult to do if one is being huffy and unreasonable. In the face of this type of behaviour (and my husband has done it but not much) and if I am not too exhausted I can stay calm and say 'this is unfair, i don't talk to you like this - what is wrong?'. In the past it has turned out that my husband, unbeknown to me, had come off his anti depressants and needed to go back on them. Another time (despite the number of times I asked him what was wrong) it took him to explode in frustration at me for him to reveal how unhappy he really was with our relationship. We worked on it and are still together. Sit down with your husband and talk about it because you shouldn't have to tolerate this level of unpleasantness - it could even escalate if left unchecked to where you start feeling like you really are walking around on egg shells in your own home. Even with older kids both my DP and I still each prioritise in a fair way some me-time, some regular outside exercise and healthy food (as much as possible but not fanatically) - this helps both of us stay on a somewhat even keel. Was even more vital to us when the kids were little. Snowdropsandcrocuses advice is spot on too

I definitely think having small kids, a sick wife, work problems etc. All play into it. Thanks everyone for your comments.

Does he want this baby? Does he enjoy being a parent at all?

I think you need a break from each other, assess if your relationship is what you both want. DH and I were horrid to each other about 10 years into our marriage and with young DC - he was selfish, I got so angry and resentful that we just couldn't be around each other any more. A 6 month break did us the world of good, and gave us both a reality check of what a life apart would mean.

And honestly, you don't need this stress during pregnancy. Time for a "cards on the table" type of talk, I think.

@RubyTuesday70

Does he want this baby? Does he enjoy being a parent at all?

I think you need a break from each other, assess if your relationship is what you both want. DH and I were horrid to each other about 10 years into our marriage and with young DC - he was selfish, I got so angry and resentful that we just couldn't be around each other any more. A 6 month break did us the world of good, and gave us both a reality check of what a life apart would mean.

And honestly, you don't need this stress during pregnancy. Time for a "cards on the table" type of talk, I think.

He was desperate for the baby. I was more on the fence about it all. I found one already a lot to handle.

He enjoys being a dad in the sense that he loves our DD. But the actual day to day stuff, he doesn't really partake in much. He works very long hours outside of the home and so just crashes when he comes in and complains about stuff not being done mostly. He doesn't really look after her very much. He helps me put her to bed sometimes if he's here by the time she goes to bed. Changes the odd nappy. He works 6-7 days a week.

But he uses his schedule to get out of most things child care / domestic related. Like he's here today and was just really angry that we don't have kitchen roll. He had an unkind go at me about it. So I said, well if you really want kitchen roll, why don't you pick some up. His response was that he never has time.