long story AIBU

[dmo]

long story sorry
anyway my step-mum (who i have lived with since i was 9yrs old) is very forgetful and unorganised
take last thursday for example it was my sons play at school (his last one as he is yr6) gave her the tickets, spoke to her the morning of the play, got to the play and no sign of her so at the end of the play got ds to phone her and she was in asda shopping

she is 55 has never worked my dad keeps her but she is busy all day!!

anyway it was my birthday on saturday and we were going out on friday night and i had asked her to babysit at her own home (cause taxi was due at 6.30pm and she would have turned up at 7pm or not at all) anyway she told my dh she had been shoppping all day and couldnt find anything at all to buy me (i think thats -bullshit- but hey)so dh gave her some ideas. the day after my step mum sends my boys back at 10am with my sister and a bunch of cards for my birthday in the card from her and dad was a 20 note.

aibu?? really peed off i hate getting money as no thought what so ever has gone into that and not even a visit or phone call to say hi happy birthday (still not phoned as yet and i dont want to cause i;m peed off)

AND... she gave my boys (aged 10 and 11) the argos cat and said choose what you want from there for x amount

Sounds just like my MIL. She usually writes b'day cards at the party, and always gives DDs money for b'day and xmas. Wouldn't mind but they are only 7 & 2. She says it's because she doesn't know what to get them. I would rather she got it wrong but know she had made the effort. This year I asked her to knit DDs ponchos which I know they would love because she had made them, then she phoned to say she also wanted to give them something else so would it be alright if she gave them money. I have asked her to get them some books but she is making out that it is so hard knowing what they might want. I agree that giving money or getting them to choose own presents is a cop-out.

She babysat for you.

Perhaps she thinks this was enough?

I don't get what was wrong with her giving the kids a choice of what they want for C'mas & within a reasonable budget though..

cause i feel she doesnt know me or my boys

if she knew us she would easily know what to buy us

btw that is about the 6th time she has babysat in the whole 11yrs
she is very close to her own dd (my sister) and her dd and has my niece quite alot (about 3 times a week)

Money is brilliant IMO - you aren't stuck with something naff from the SM that you would have resented.

Maybe it IS hard for a 50something yr old to buy for a (guessing - 30s) woman?

Money is a gift - it is better than nothing surely? As for the catalogue - it was probably great fun for the kids to do that. I remember doing it for my mum from about that age - we used to tick loads of things up to say, £30 and then the surprise would be what one (if any) we got!

yabu you should be grateful.

just got a pet hate with money and selection boxes

not that i am rich but we are well off and if i want something i just go and buy it so money doesnt hold value to me i would much rather somebody think what i like

i am a childminder and all the children bought me little gifts which i love so much more

Then give it back with a list of things you would like.

You said yourself she doesn't know you much - she probably hasn't got a clue what to buy.

its in my pocket to give back

point is she should know me better! known her for 23yrs

prob is i put so much effort into buying gifts listening to what people like etc

My MIL gave me money for my birthday and I was really chuffed! Lots of things I want that only I can choose and are not easy to buy for somebody else. My dd also got a cheque for hers and was very pleased as she knows better what she wants than anybody else could- also, she never gets to choose her presents from us.

I was always taught not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Anyway, I suspect my positive feelings are not just to do with having often been short of money, but more with the fact that I love my MIL, so anything that comes from her is going to have positive associations (even if some gifts from the past have discreetly gone to the charity shop). It does sound to me that your reaction might be partly to do with more general feelings about your step-mum. Try to be aware of this, so that you can react strongly to the things that are really bad (missing the school play) and not add the innocent things to the list just because you've got it out.

I am in a similar situation in that I always put a lot of thought into presents... I remember when people mention they want something and get that for them and love to see them so delighted by it. I always just get book vouchers...fortunately i like reading.

BUT most people are not like that. I know my DP better than most I think, but I find it very hard to buy presents for him. My ex was the same. They are really fussy and it is easier to give them money so they can get something they really want.

It sounds as though she likes shopping, but perhaps - like most people - she is just not as deeply attentive as you are. I am also sure she does not deliberately put her DD first. You don't seem to like her very much. Do you think she has picked up on that and feels hurt? even subconsciously and therefore not good at buying you stuff. Perhaps -as you have plenty of money - she thinks you already have everything (very common nowadays) and she genuinely does not know what to buy you or the DC's - hence the catalogue.

Tell her one day that you really appreciate small thoughtful gifts rather than money as for you it is the thought that counts. That might take the pressure off too.

Good luck

Yes - let's face it some people are just crap at buying presents. And she is babysitting for you! Sounds to me that is she is somewhat absent minded. I have a very good friend like this. We have a running joke in our circle of friends that if we all wan to meet up at a particular time, we have to tell him to turn up half an hour before this time, that way he turns up the same time as everyone else!

I can see that you are hurt because she is your mother really and I would feel sad if my mum couldn't think of anything at all I'd like - not even my favourite perfume or a book. Forgetfulness I can understand and not take personally, but I can see this touches on your feelings that perhaps she doesn't love you, and that she prefers your sister, her bio-child.
I think step-parents should make a particular effort, especially if they have been your main parent since you were nine.
I don't suppose she does anything on purpose at all to hurt you, she just doesn't think, and that's what upsets you.
Put the £20 in an envelope, think what you really want and spend it on that. And next time tell her two things you'd like for about that money.

Thanks guys
i phoned her today and said thank you for the money and that i would spend it in the new year (as not going near any shops till then)
she said she had only bought one present so far (for my sisters friend) so told her just to buy for the boys and not for us

i have got her a sat nav as she has never ever been to ikea yet as she always gets lost

feel much better now we have spoken thank you