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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sexual harassment - what can I do?

50 replies

PinkLadyFriday · 06/12/2021 20:30

I am being sexually harassed at work by a man. My boss is aware and has chosen to do nothing, it is a very small company with no HR. He calls me and adds the term sweetie, sweet pea, darling, honey bunch at the end of every sentence. I’ve asked him to stop. He sends me texts with the emojis that are highly inappropriate which I’ve sent to my boss.
The harasser has been working elsewhere for a couple of weeks which has been lovely, but he returned today. He works in a building which is a ten minute walk from mine but came into my office 5 times and called me 4 times.
WTAF can I do about this? I love my job and need it’s well paid salary so can’t walk out and I’m unlikely to get the same pay elsewhere.

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 06/12/2021 21:35

Try ACAS? Might be some advice on there.
I’d say ask your boss for a formal meeting- send the request in an email and inform him what it is going to be about.
Your boss needs to do something about this.
Have you shown your boss the texts and so on?

MrsPinkCock · 06/12/2021 21:39

It doesn’t sound from your OP that it’s harassment of a sexual nature. It’s just calling you by names that you find annoying.

If there’s something you’re missing out though that is (legal) sexual harassment, then:

  1. formal grievance (whether or not it will be taken seriously)
  2. ACAS early conciliation
  3. ET claim
WorraLiberty · 06/12/2021 21:39

If it's your personal phone rather than a work phone, of course you can block him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2021 21:41

@MrsPinkCock

It doesn’t sound from your OP that it’s harassment of a sexual nature. It’s just calling you by names that you find annoying.

If there’s something you’re missing out though that is (legal) sexual harassment, then:

  1. formal grievance (whether or not it will be taken seriously)
  2. ACAS early conciliation
  3. ET claim
I think that depends on the nature of the messages he's sending OP which may well be sexual harassment depending on the inappropriate emojis she mentions.

Sorry OP, it's so fucking depressing that it's 2021 and we still have to put up with this shit at work, then have it compounded by a boss not having our backs.

Handholdtoday · 06/12/2021 21:47

@maffhew

This isn't sexual harassment. Calling someone sweetie, although patronising is not sexual harassment.

If you find it offensive tell him to stop?

Maybe not but the 🍆 emojis are!
maffhew · 06/12/2021 21:52

Maybe not but the 🍆 emojis are

Yes but she hasn't said those are used?

From the op there is nothing sexual.

1stWorldProblems · 06/12/2021 21:53

As someone from the last century, I would do (& have done) the following :-

  1. documented all correspondence
  2. start replying to him in diminutives - I favour Honeybunch & Cuddle-Kitten.
  3. stare pointed at his bollocks when he looks you up & down. I once had a boss who indulged in pocket re-arrangement, so I did the full Les Dawson with my bra in response & when he asked why, I pointed out what was good for the goose, was good for the gander. He stopped then.
  4. asking what he thinks he's doing in a crowded room in your best Princess Anne voice.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2021 21:58

@1stWorldProblems

As someone from the last century, I would do (& have done) the following :- 1) documented all correspondence 2) start replying to him in diminutives - I favour Honeybunch & Cuddle-Kitten. 3) stare pointed at his bollocks when he looks you up & down. I once had a boss who indulged in pocket re-arrangement, so I did the full Les Dawson with my bra in response & when he asked why, I pointed out what was good for the goose, was good for the gander. He stopped then. 4) asking what he thinks he's doing in a crowded room in your best Princess Anne voice.
The problem with 2 and 3 is that OP leaves herself vulnerable to arseholes like this bloke seeing it as 'banter' or a sign she isn't really bothered is joining in - whether really believes it or it's just a handy wide eyed innocent act he pulls. Steely, absolute, definitively cold responses and formal complaints are unfortunately nowadays the way to protect yourself against these pricks. That and lawyering up / involving ACAS and scaring management into action.

As much as I agree calling him Smarmy McWanker would be satisfying!

Storminamu · 06/12/2021 22:11

Constantly hassling her when she's asked him not to is sexual harassment if he's doing it because she's female.

mrsbyers · 06/12/2021 22:14

Wait til you are past the two year mark before doing anything formal - then you have grounds for constructive dismissal , under two years they can just get rid of you for some trumped up reason

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2021 22:21

@Storminamu

Constantly hassling her when she's asked him not to is sexual harassment if he's doing it because she's female.
I completely agree with this.
Hankunamatata · 06/12/2021 22:33

Is he texting you on private mobile?

Whattochoosenow · 06/12/2021 22:35

ACAS is really good for advice and Ben in the early stages especially when it comes to understanding the legalities and correct procedures to follow
Loads of information on the website
www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

Whattochoosenow · 06/12/2021 22:35

and Ben = even

caketiger · 06/12/2021 22:38

Log absolutely every single thing. Email the logs off site to a personal email address. Take proper advice from a reputable source.

Unmerited · 06/12/2021 23:09

@Storminamu

It's not a police matter, obviously. Put everything in writing and write to your boss, saying that you're concerned that nothing is being done about it so you want to make sure that he has the full details. Ask him what he'll be doing about it.
Is it not though? If he’s seeking her out unnecessarily and habitually at work and online, is it not harassment and potentially stalking?
Joolsin · 06/12/2021 23:19

I agree with all the very good advice given already, OP, but one other thing I would start doing immediately is hanging up the phone on him every time he does this on a call. When he rings back, you say firmly that you won't continue a call if he continues this unacceptable behaviour. And so on.

JamieFrasersBigSwingingKilt · 06/12/2021 23:36

@Bessica1970

On a positive note - schools are really starting to get to grips with this stuff, so there should be fewer men like this in the next generation 🙂
It's not schools' responsibility to teach boys to not sexually harass girls; it's parents' responsibility to teach their own children how to behave. School can help but there's no need to 'outsource' teaching children basic life skills like treating others with respect and how to be a functioning human.
Storminamu · 06/12/2021 23:58

Some people on Mumsnet have really unrealistic attitudes towards the police. Your colleague comes into your office more often that you want them to and you call the police?! Just how do you think that would go?

knittingaddict · 07/12/2021 03:53

What do you do when the father us an abuser himself? There are thousands of men who are both fathers and abusive and they teach their vile views to their sons.

Even when women leave these man the men have contact and try to mould their sons in their own warped image. Teaching about this in schools won't change everyone, but if it challenges these men then that's a good thing.

creamcheeseandlox · 07/12/2021 04:11

Harassment by law is constituted as a "course of conduct (more than two occasions) towards another person which caused them alarm or distress".

If the attention is unwanted or not reciprocated then it's classed as harassment. Why is everyone not getting this, should people just put up with this type of mysgonistoc behaviour?

Unmerited · 07/12/2021 04:20

@Storminamu

Some people on Mumsnet have really unrealistic attitudes towards the police. Your colleague comes into your office more often that you want them to and you call the police?! Just how do you think that would go?
Yes, that’s exactly what she’s taking about. A man coming into her office twice. 🙄
Original poster
PinkLadyFriday · 07/12/2021 06:54

Thanks for all the good advice, I’ll log it and keep a diary. I agree it’s not a police matter as it stands but I’m feeling increasingly that it’s going to get worse as it is appearing to already.
How depressing that a few posters and I assume they’re women don’t believe that repeated unwanted attention like this Is not sexual harassment. I wonder what would count as SH to you and if your daughter came home and reported this was happening at work how you would react?
I’m fairly easy going and can tolerate banter but this is making me really uneasy. I work alone and his repeat visits to my office give me the creeps, he has no reason to visit he can call or email.

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 08:04

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. I only have limited experience of this, I had a male colleague constantly comment on my appearance and call me petal etc, but I got pissed off at him and told him to stop, and he did. I still can’t stand him though and avoid him.

As well as keeping a log, could you record him saying these things to you? Also, when he does things, are you still polite to him. Would it help if you got angry in a very cold and calm way?

You shouldn’t have to do these things though, it’s depressing that this is still happening.

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